Chameleons and I share same trait, we change color. While chameleons change color as a response to mood, temperature, health, communication, and light, I change color as a response of innocence, I guess. lol.
Have you watch or read Eat Pray Love, on one of the scene friends of Liz said
…you know, you used to look like Stephen. Now you kind of look like David. You know? What l meant was, you know how people start resembling their dogs?
that line give me a jab right on my jaw. I feel the same with Liz. I smell like A when I was with A and I turn like B when I was with B while I am Z when with myself. While Liz try to figure herself by doing a long and delicate journey to Italy, India and Indonesia (all start by an I), I didn’t try to figure my color, I just think and suck it up. It turns out by having partner means to influence each other so nothing wrong, right?
I believe past really shape me into myself today. Having to lost my universe when I was on my frail stage really shake my self-esteem and growing up with bunch of man or boys didn’t help me much. It just get worse.
It’s not that I didn’t know my color, I did, I do. Like chameleon they all have their basic color, pale greeny colour. I knew my color very well, it just keep changing while I am with different people. Lack of self-esteem and weak feature make me look to other people a lot and then I’ll try to copy or mimic or put what I think work on them to me. In result, I never fully comfortable both with the process and the result.
Why I look to other people? It’s because I have no one to teach me how to make strawberry cheesecake while I never knew what the hell is strawberry cheesecake. My husband did a great deal teaching me a lot of stuff I never knew it’s exist. Though I am getting better and better, I mostly struggle with girly stuff nowadays because no way my husband can fill up that hole.
My basic color when it comes to clothes is jeans and T-shirt and sneakers. I used to whine why this world make a big deal of how we should look in front of other people. But sadly it matter. This leave me struggling and look up to what other people wear isn’t always good on me. But it always struck me right in the gut and I have to tear all apart. I envy what girls could wear and look good while apparently if I want I can’t differentiate the difference. The way I think, the way I see problems, the way I saw clothes it’s like how man see it. ALthough I am grateful for that but it’s not always good.
Peer pressure or social pressure always put me over the edge and that’s why I rarely go on social stuff with addition with my social anxiety that just make it dynamic duo. I try so hard to be fittable but I find my comfort when I was alone and didn’t care about what people might think. Like chameleon, I show my true color when I am alone and calm.
Do you change color?