Hibernating, Expecting, and Fasting

Dear readers,


I know, I’ve been around just for reading. I have no power of writing and blogging even though I miss it damn much. I have some new posts in the draft and my notepad it’s just I am have no intention to read it and edit it. So I decide to hibernate for a while, well I have no idea until when. Since also am expecting, that’s the good news, but the early stage isn’t something I fond of. My body cracking and I am dying if I walking. Plus it’s fasting month here and I try to fasting as best as I can. Just wish me do everything well.

I am gonna miss you readers. I will still probably around to read some of your post so until then live long and prosper.




Chameleons and I share same trait, we change color. While chameleons change color as a response to mood, temperature, health, communication, and light, I change color as a response of innocence, I guess. lol.

Have you watch or read Eat Pray Love, on one of the scene friends of Liz said

…you know, you used to look like Stephen. Now you kind of look like David. You know? What l meant was, you know how people start resembling their dogs?

that line give me a jab right on my jaw. I feel the same with Liz. I smell like A when I was with A and I turn like B when I was with B while I am Z when with myself.  While Liz try to figure herself by doing a long and delicate journey to Italy, India and Indonesia (all start by an I), I didn’t try to figure my color, I just think and suck it up. It turns out by having partner means to influence each other so nothing wrong, right?

I believe past really shape me into myself today. Having to lost my universe when I was on my frail stage really shake my self-esteem and growing up with bunch of man or boys didn’t help me much. It just get worse.

It’s not that I didn’t know my color, I did, I do. Like chameleon they all have their basic color, pale greeny colour. I  knew my color very well, it just keep changing while I am with different people. Lack of self-esteem and weak feature make me look to other people a lot and then I’ll try to copy or mimic or put what I think work on them to me. In result, I never fully comfortable both with the process and the result.

Why I look to other people? It’s because I have no one to teach me how to make strawberry cheesecake while I never knew what the hell is strawberry cheesecake. My husband did a great deal teaching me a lot of stuff I never knew it’s exist. Though I am getting better and better, I mostly struggle with girly stuff nowadays because no way my husband can fill up that hole.

My basic color when it comes to clothes is jeans and T-shirt and sneakers. I used to whine why this world make a big deal of how we should look in front of other people. But sadly it matter. This leave me struggling and look up to what other people wear isn’t always good on me. But it always struck me right in the gut and I have to tear all apart. I envy what girls could wear and look good while apparently if I want I can’t differentiate the difference. The way I think, the way I see problems, the way I saw clothes it’s like how man see it. ALthough I am grateful for that but it’s not always good.

Peer pressure or social pressure always put me over the edge and that’s why I rarely go on social stuff with addition with my social anxiety that just make it dynamic duo. I try so hard to be fittable but  I find my comfort when I was alone and didn’t care about what people might think. Like chameleon, I show my true color when I am alone and calm.

Do you change color?


In Between Thoughts

ph: safalniveshak

Where’s there’s good there’s bad. There’s dark there’s light. There’s guilty there’s innocent. There’s black there’s white. There’s right there’s wrong. There’s something in between.

I believe in karma. I believe in what goes around comes around. I believe in what you reap is what you sow. and I believe in God, off course.

My past taught me a lot to never judge people of what happen in people’s life or of what they choose on the choice they make. I know there’s good things and bad things. There’s right doings and there’s wrong doings. There’s guilty and there’s innocent. The good and bad things are knowledge. The right and wrong doings are a choice. The guilt and innocent aren’t my place to judge.

People cheat. People corrupt. People lie. People ignorance. People fake. Women prostitute. Men douchebag. Husband abusive. Wife addict. Child broken.

There are times you witness people you love choose to do wrongs and become so bad. There are times you really want to fix them, advice them and even tell them they’re wrong. Everything happens for reasons. Reasons that most of the time we have no clue about it but we act like we knew everything. We didn’t know what happen in other people life that make them choose to do the wrong things. We didn’t. Yet we feel that we can fix them.

To some broken soul no words can make them turn into light but God. But that’s make it not our battle but their battle. No matter how much you want to change people or make stop of people do the wrong it’s not going to flip like a pancake.

You might questions everything. Question reasons of they wrong doing. But don’t judge because you are no God. and you are no saint.

You might see your loved ones fall into darkness. Fall into what they thinks will help them. You just need to stand there with your arm stretch ready for anytime help just in case they want to crawl back into light.

I used to be judged and I know how bitter that felt.  Ever since no matter how dark someone choose and all the wrong doings they act, I don’t do judge. I might admit what they do is wrong but hell that’s not my life. But I am always ready for giving help. I might admit what they do is wrong but that doesn’t mean I’ll do what they do.

I believe everything happen for reasons. Reasons I never knew. Reasons I never experienced.


Share Your World – 2013 Week 22

This week questions from fabulous Cee’s Share Your World:

What was the last URL that you bookmarked?


Give me insight of mining engineering job description. I worked in a mining company but I never knew each of people duties on the field so that was me try to learn when I had no idea what’s people doing.

For relaxation, would you rather meditate, swim, walk, listen to music, write, read, yoga, qigong, or other?

Hmm…. this is hard. I can’t pick one. I have  massage to relax my body. I walk to relax mind. I swim to relax my mind and my heart. I listen to music, write my piece and read books to relax my heart. I pray to relax my soul.

You’re given $500,000 dollars, what do you spend it on?


Fly to Paris. Buy a house. Buy a watch. Buy a parfume. Seriously the last two are the easiest thing to do but yet I can’t accomplish it in near future.


Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing?

I don’t do swinging. I do video game or PC game since I was a kid. But I’d like to have one that made from tyre hanging on a tree.



Weekly Photo Challenge: Nostalgic

I spent a lot of my time in an arcade game when I was a kid and a game center like Timezone more often when I was in high school. Game center is my favorite spot for first date or any other dates. I’d like to play something with gun… Blame my boyish genes… There’s a time where I got crazy with the dancing machine like Dance Dance Revolution, I am thinking you know what I mean, doing it for couple hours in a break from writing my final paper. I try the synchronized dance with my friends or competing who’s memorize the movement. I still like to do it now if I want it. Well, there’s always a kid in all of us, esp. me.
For more nostalgic, here!

Another Disorder I Finally Discover

ph: ammunition

Many of you already know that I am someone with Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) but it took times for me to actually aware of my own problems. And more effort to actually admit it. Here in my country, having a mental problem is like having a sinful sin. They’ll thought you are somehow crazy so I didn’t familiar with mental health until couple years ago. Thank to Mr. Google. So I wasn’t seeking for medication or therapy or even asking for professional help. And my introverts  just make everything worse.

I in fact am having social anxiety disorder or social phobia (Mr. Google said they both the same just the matter of time terms). I still functioning to the point I ignore most of the situation that will lead me to my social anxiety. Stuff that dreading me: speaking in public, making small talks, being the center of attention, participating in big groups, expressing a disagreement or disapproval or at least speaking at a meeting, working/writing while being observed, talking to people in authority, the last two are the one that put me in full distressed.

Thanks to my introverts I didn’t really show any physical symptoms, I tend to avoid the dreaded situations as possible as I can. Many times I try to endure the anxiety provoking situation with considerable distress. Once, I was about to promote myself and declaring my visions and missions about stuff I am working on but I end up crying and pretending to faint before I could even speak a word. I’ll remember the day as the lamest day of my life but I realize the amount of distress result physical exhaustion and my major breakdown. I learn a lot from that moments that I should just stay behind the scenes.

My now position put me at another stake of my social anxiety, I’ll deal with a lot of people in authority and work under a hawk-eye supervisor. I didn’t like it really. Many times I consider myself to quit. And I will I guess soon but not too soon. The project hasn’t even start but I already dreading what’s ahead and it distressed me a lot.

Some people maybe want to become big but I like to stay where I am nothing superior and nothing inferior. Someone in between.

:: Maybe if you want to try LIEBOWITZ SOCIAL ANXIETY SCALE (LSAS-SR)* :: my score is 80 means very probable ::

And no, I am not crazy my country people.


Share Your World – 2013 Week 21

Cee is back. So is Share Your World. I miss all the questions, well I miss blogging also. I am pretty stuck up with life and kinda come up with nothing. No matter what life is going on and going strong so let’s see Cee’s this week questions:

Do you prefer long hair or short hair for yourself?

I have a long hair. I prefer a long hair. But I want to try short hair again. I always have a long hair ever since high school, that was the last time I have a short hair, because long hair makes me look more feminine for my boyish attitude. When you look at my childhood photos you won’t find me as a girl instead you’ll find a boy. Yupe, my granny and aunty always gave me the Demi-moore-ghost hairstyle or that bowl-cut hairstyle and I swear I hate them for making me like that. I have two wish related to my hair: I want to lengthen it to waist and I want to cut it short (maybe below ear), now I am doing the first one. 10 cm to go.

Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?

I love my town a lot. It never a small town and never big town, something in between, but it is a dense town (esp nowadays). I resent rapid population growth. I always a small town girl so yes I’d like to move out someday maybe. I adore some small town in US or France. So yeah, a girl can hope, right?

What as your favorite food as a child? Do you eat it now?

My mom cooks is my favorite food. Or my granny’s food. I didn’t eat it nowadays even though there’s lot of store selling it. I like to see the process of the cooking, the taste of my mom’s hand and the knowledge of how hygiene the foods are. Things I couldn’t get out there.

Regarding outdoor temperature which would you prefer – Sunny and hot – Cool and Breezy – Cold and Snowy – Cloudy and Rain/Drizzle – Other?

Something warm. Something in between. I can’t stand cold. I’ll die freezing in snow. I get dizzy if it’s sunny and hot. It’ll spark my allergy in chilly. I hate mud stain when raining. I am hopeless. This is most of the day when cool or cold is in the air. You won’t like it when I was all about runny nose or sneezing.




ph: galaxy-is-my-limit

Sleeping sleeping

How many time do you need for sleeping

So will you wake up brand new

And ready to sink in

New day new life new challenge

Sleeping sleeping

You always sleeping

And will you end up sleeping

Many seconds of many minutes of many hours

Leaving me bearing of you sleeping

Sleeping sleeping

I hate it when your life is all about dreaming

In the morning in the day in the night

So you might be seeking

For anything but sleeping

Sleeping sleeping

Ain’t no beauty sleeping

Or probably the beast roaming

And leave aching

Of living

Sleeping sleeping

You should stay sleeping and beautifully dreaming

But that ain’t no life

and you’ll never survive

Weekly Photo Challenge: Companionable

Weekly Photo Challenge: Share a picture of a COMPANION and explain why you chose that picture.


Books and Kindle are one of the best companion in the world. Or maybe just in my life. With the addition of comfortable California king bed and smooth silky duvet will make me definitely holed up in my bedroom. Having a mobile husband left me alone in our tiny studio flat. Books and Kindle keep me company and I no feel lonely when I literally alone.

I read varies genre except horror or thriller but I’m into the ‘it’ books nowadays, something light to keep me entertaining or something steamy XD . If I feel want more challenge then I’ll choose something heavy-reading books. If you want to fill me up with more list of my to-be-read books you are very most welcome.


You Can’t Change People But You Can Change You!

You can’t change an old man from walking in quite distance to pray with his weak heart

You can’t change a broken-leg old woman from staying at home instead her will to traveling

You can’t change a woman who deceive her family

You can’t change a man who like to talk about manners while his in no manners

You can’t change a woman to not talk behind other people back

You can’t change a woman from being so picky that she has no dating experience

You can’t change a girl who choose to not go to school

You can’t change a man who like being arrogant to his family

You can’t change a woman who has tendency to steal people money without being guilty

You can’t change a man who likes to get a blowjob without giving any

You can’t change a woman for doing anything just to get laid

You can’t change a scarred-leg boy who was so broken because he lived without a mother

You can’t change a man from remarried after his wife passed away

You can’t change an old couple for regretting their daughter death because they abuse her when she’s living

You can’t change someone to walk in God path no matter you want them to be

But you can change you!

by being a good example

Just be a good you then maybe you can inspire them

and maybe

maybe they can change.