I Feel Ugly

I feel ugly even when I know am not.

That’s motherhood has put me through. Feelig ugly of myself. The beauty of being a mother only last a couple of days for me because I was in to it without help.

Being a mother should make you feel pretty and beautiful. I did. Or I do. I don’t know. I mean when your breast no longer perky and appear saggy no matter the bra you wear or the long tired look that you manage to wear anymote or when the belly at didn’t seem to say goodbye or when you no longer brushing your hair because you thought it pointless to appear pretty even to yourself it’s hard at certain point to look at yourself beautifully. And in my case the mark for having atopy is endless. They mark my foot through my thigh and some area in my hand and arm. It wasn’t this bad when I suffer eczhema but this time it was prurigo that leaves black dots everywhere.

It’s hard to not love myself and continuing telling yourself that you are no longer attractive even to yourself and how do you expect people to look at you. Yeah. But I only love myself for me for a little time. It took me 25 years to finally love myself. Selfishly in love with myself that I didn’t allow others to drag me down in any way and it felt incredible. But then at that time I choosed to marry and marriage just don’t really have too much space for selfishness. So I miss to love myself.

Truthfully I don’t give a damn of what people think how I appear in their eyes but still too many bullies over my skin color put my self-esteem under the big hard rock. I always feel pretty even when people consider my skin was darker than normal people and when my forehead was full on display and even when my hair having its lionest at its best. I always feel pretty because this is me and people just stupid and blind. But that didn’t mean I’ll stand tall for myself when people called me ugly or dark or curly. Yeah I was that kid.

Being a mother put me back to where before I was 25 years old. I The silently-feel-pretty-but-doubting-myself because what people see in me. I want to feel pretty again. I want to love myself again. Merely just for me. So I have that self-esteem again.

.cheers.

Birthday Reminder on Facebook

It’s been years since the last time I put my birth day on private on Facebook. It means that only me that can see my birthday. Most of my friends on facebook automatically made their birthday available for their friends to notice. Therefore you’ll see their birthday reminder on your notifications.

I have my reasons though it seems bizarre but well that’s me. I just want to know how many people that really remember me. My facebook friends mostly weren’t people that close to me mostly were just my school friends that I rarely have deep conversation with and harshly let just say we know by name only. I am an introvert that hardly able to make a lot of relationship so I only have some friends that I allow myself to be close with even then doesnot mean I’ll just open up and spring my heart out. I only have a few for the deep.

The first year it was less than 15 people who really remember me. This year as in today only 2 people that remember my birthday which is my brother (the other 2 forget, how dare them!!😈😈 ) and one of my best friend. As time goes by I didn’t really give a damn by how many birthday wishes that I’ve got. But I can not lie that sometimes it hurts because of my imagination of a friendship wasn’t what I dream about. I used to see pictures or watching movies about friendship that they hang out together or having potluck together discussing vary topic in life.

Partly my fault perhaps because I wasn’t open to people or let them see the real me. Or perhaps I just don’t feel right to open up to my friends. Or perhaps twas just my imagination of a friendship. I don’t know. But surely I was tired of having a friendship that only require effort from my side. Or maybe I shouldn’t account on it. I don’t know. I was hoping I get to know more people that let them in and see the real me. People that also make an effort to have a friendship with me.

Tell me about your friendship with your best friend,, just so I have an insight that friendship is real and not just something I read on books or watch on movies.

Btw,, welcome to the big three-o.
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.Cheers.

Why I Didn’t Gain Weight

Why I didn’t gain weight no matter how hard I try.

Yupe. You read it right. I hardly gain weight. It’s been more than 5 years that my weight stuck in the same number. I was considered thin for a 5’2″ I weight 45 kilos. My ideal weight range between 50 t0 55 and I didn’t use particular chart I was just reading through all the different weight chart and the conclusion. In the end it didn’t matter if I can’t gain even a kilo.

I’ve people talk good and bad stuff about my weight which mostly I didn’t care but sometimes it disturbed me. People thought I didn’t eat or I sick or whatever you want to imagine or perhaps they just jelaous. There’s truth that perhaps people didn’t acknowledge.

First, I inherited my mother and father genetics. She was slim even after having three child she weight 55 kilos for a 5’4″. It happened to all my brothers and mostly most of my family members too they are slender. So folks that’s partly when my slim-ness came from. Lucky me! Yeay…

Second, probably this one was what people didn’t know the most: lifestyle. Some people probably saw me like to eat in a large portions. True. But that time I was consider a ‘cheating day’ for people who on diet. Truthfully I didn’t snack, and if I snack it wasn’t high unhealthy kind of food so no fries no chips no ice cream no chocolate no milkshake no coffee with whipped cream no anything deep-fried. I prefer peanut butter with wheat whole bread or steamed sweet potato as snack to keep my stomach full for quite a long time. I ate 5-6 times a day in moderate portions of food a day with healthy snack in between. I prefer lots of veggie that meat and I didn’t gorge myself on food usually I stop eating before I even feel full.

Third, I moved about quite a lot. I’m an active and kinesthetic kind of person. Laying down and sleeping all day wasn’t my forte. I always find something I want to do that require moving. Yupe, you read it right sometimes I move furniture or redecorating my bedroom or doing a lot of handy stuff at home all by maaaiiiseeeelllf. I prefer looooong walking or biking rather than take a public transportation to go to some place. I used to walk for an hour or so when I was single because I prefer it that way where people maybe find walking as exhausting. Things that people in my country rarely do because they thought the government didn’t provide decent sidewalk. To me as long as I still have two feet to walk I didn’t give a damn care where should I walk.

It seems that I didn’t try hard to gain but what can I say as long as I am healthy, I didn’t really care what people think. Being slender is just a bonus. Even now when I was a mother of one I weight the same as when I was just before pregnant. What even worse is if I tried to skip a meal or two or when I sick and have no appetite then it’ll just lose two to three kilos. It was such a nightmare. You might want to change the way you eat if you want to lose some kilos but for me just love yourself enough to make yourself healthy rather than appear pretty.

Healthy is sexy.

Edit (34)
This is me almost 10 years ago. Nothing changed much.

.Cheers.

 

My LUNGS Are Just Fine!!!

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In a place where I live you don’t always go to doctor if you were sick. There’s a lot of traditional medication that people could go to. Just like with Chinese people where they can drink some sort of herbs mixture to cure an illness. So far I’ve tried one different kind of alternative medication that involve neuron and a little bit of preasure in the right spot that could cause hell of a pain if you have something wrong in some certain part of your body. I think this kind of medication came from China. So the last couple of week I accidently trying a new kind of alternative medication.

A quite the same medication that require neuron and a whole lot of preasure that cause me more pain. The person appear to be religius that he can read through my personality. Not that it suprised me, no I’ve already admit my flaws, so I really don’t need more acknowledgement. But what disturb me the most was his prediction regarding my health. His prediction was that I have something wrong with my lungs that leads to TBC (tubercolosis lung disease) in which I agree because I have asthma in related to my lung problem and not TBC. I’ve went to numerous doctor visit for a mere justification. And then he said that I have to do certain things like stop breastfeeding my 20-months-old kid, drink lemon water, drink carrot and cranberry juice, drink fresh water and eat camel meat (yuuuucck!!).

I, indeed, wasn’t the type of person who like to eat people words as a whole. I need to digest it first then collect some data and, boom, decide what to do. But his words keep messing with my head especially the part that I have to stop breastfeeding my kid (tried it for a day and it cause me more stress than ever). To be honest, I didn’t tell a lot of my family what kind of condition that I suffer from. And even though I told them, they rarely believe it. But I spent years went to doctor just to understand my condition.

I was BORN with allergic that was passed on from either my mom or dad. It makes me sensitive to certain food or environment. Nothing really severe. And along my 30 years of living the last 10 years I’ve been in and out of doctor for numerous kind of illness that cause from my allergic condition. Atopy was something that on and off throughout the years. I’ve got eczema and now in healing process of prurigo (another kind of atopy). The last 2 years I’ve just know that I suffer asthma, illness that I’ve closed my eyes from when I was in college and in denial when I was pregnant. But now, the more often it gets the more I can’t deny. My asthma was to the point that I wasn’t able to do simple things like talking or walking when it was full force. So when the doctor told me that my asthma was another result of my allergic gene then I have nothing to do but to work out. The last thing that I knew to keep me healthy. All doctor that I’ve came accros s told me that I have to: live healthy, eat healthy, no stress, enough sleep and work out. Work out was the only thing that I never do, I mean literally never. And it appear work out was my answer to my asthma condition.

To keep my mind at ease I decide to do medical check up that include thorax rontgen to see if I suffer from TBC. Because the theraphy mister said that if I went to rontgen my thorax, my lung will already full with tbc. So today was the day my medical check up result came out. After discussing the result with the doctor it appears that I have no dangerous illness and something to improve here and there that I didn’t aware of. And I am thankful for that. But leave me with bitter taste in my tongue because I believe unproffesional opiniom get through me. It pissed me off that it messed with my head for full 3 weeks. It made me fooled that I have to spent money for unnecessary medical check up. But I don’t feel sorry to be able to do medical check up so that I can throw it in their face. XD

.cheers.

Unfair

To people who treat me unfairly.
I would keep my mouth shut.
To people who didn’t acknowledge my struggle.
I would keep my mouth shut.
To people who didn’t see my sacrifice.
I would keep my mouth shut.
To people who bitching the way I look.
I would keep my mouth shut.
To people who narrow-minded.
I would keep my mouth shut.
And that’s my friend the reason I never speak to you.
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.xo.

Tete-a-tete

ph: Hplyrikz.com

after mind-blowing screw so I could knew

what it feels beneath you and what please you

and to where our relation will flew after all the shit I shew

belong to me, I beg you, and I you

Despair

ph: wehearit

I thought you were leaving

I thought you were disappearing

but you were enjoying crawling in every vein

caressing all my pain

Coincidence

ph: weheartit

is when I try so hard not to text you even I desperately want to text you

You actually text me.

and I melt.

Another me you barely see (and all the pent-ups)

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