What I Learn From Marriage

IMG_4810.JPG

I was in a 9-long-year relationship with my now-husband and into 4 year marriage. You might think that our early marriage life would be easy because we had that 9 year. But no and no. Though I knew the good and the bad of my husband, living together under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed wasn’t that easy. Took almost a year for me to be ok with the differences. It was all because communication. We tried our damndest to have a very good communication that perhaps satisfy both sides even in real we fight a lot to achieve that. And here we are enjoying our fruit.

XX Talked about a lot of things XX
My husband is someone I can talk about a lot of things. We talked about a lot of things from something small to something big that make us concern. Including how the way we talk to each other to understand each of us better. I am one with no sweet but a wounded soul and my husband is one with too much sweet and a spolied brat. At first it became an issue for each other but now not so much, my husband knew that he need to sweeten his words to speak to me and I need to be real and no sugarcoat words. Why? Because that’s how it works.

XX To Put ourself in each other shoes XX
We often discuss something that will lead to a hot debate. You want your husband to understand you and vice versa. As an example I was dead tired from work and he asked me to do stuff that he might do while waiting for me from office but spent lounging on a sofa. I simply ask him “what would you do if you’re in my shoes?”We often switch our point of view to understand better of each other feeling. So now it was a matter of looking to each other feeling first about something then we discuss.

XX Accept the difference and don’t expect a change XX
My husband and I are completely different but we complement each other. He likes to talk and I loath talking. He’s a social person and I am more of a loner. He’s a mess and I am super neat. He forget a lot and I never forget. So here comes our role. He deals with people and I deal with stuff. And then we don’t try to change each other (unless it is something come from within). Really you can’t change people who don’t like to socializing to actively socializing or to expect people who forgetful to always remember. Human afterall they full of flaws.

XX Don’t let your spouse be your everything XX
Sure, I love my husband and we said to each other that we put ourself first then kid. But no one person can be your everything. No one person should have to be your everything. That’s a hell of a lot to ask. I learnt this from my parents and my mom passed away.

Well, I guess that’s for now. Do you have something you can sharevthat you learn from your marriage?

.Cheers.

Letting Go

IMG_5115.JPG

Picture from here

If you think for one second I was singing Frozen OST you are making fun at me. I sing but terribly so it was for my husband only lol. Nope, this time I want to share my decision to letting go. And be grateful.

My mom passed away when I was 14 thus should make me the ‘subtitution’ of my mom. Meaning I should be more responsible to what left behind. My brothers. But I was not. I was so lost and numb inside. I was so focused on myself only that I didn’t even remember where my brother were whereas we lived in the same house. And I just realize 14 years later and there was night when I cried because I was sorry I was so neglectful. But nobody can’t blame me, I was a kid.

Lots of my life decision was made considering my father and brothers college for example but I am not getting into details. 7 years after my mom passed away I finally able to let her go. And her death makes me even grateful that she didn’t have togo through this life shittiness. The years to come I tried to find myself and to forgive myself for all the bad mistakes I’ve made in my ‘dark’ age. And it all finally come to a closure.

After 10 years I finally able to forgive myself. I can love myself without having to depend of others love. But then I still struggle with the guilt over neglecting my brother. I thought I should be man up. I know no excuse but I was damned at that time. And I was hoping to a redemption. That my life goal was changing into making my brothers happy. So I would do everything to support them.

I was hoping that we would always be in the same way. I expected the same success. The same faith. The same future. The same afterlife. But God forbid me I guess because once I married my life goal wasn’t them anymore. It was hard at first to realize and to admit but then I finally able to let them go.

I thought that we own our own journey. That my brothers own their own journey too. Of how succeed their work life would be. Of how deep their faith to God. Of how happy their life. And each of them might have different definition for all of that. So I let them go and let myself go. That they’re adults and they responsible to their own future and life. But I will always here watching with a hawk-eye and here and there remembering them and praying for the best of them.

Sometimes in life you’ll meet with a moment where you have to let go one or two or even three things in your life. Easy? You wish. Admit it doesn’t mean you’re weak but to me it means you strong. You don’t have to shout it out loud to the world but to yourself. And then try to let ’em go because by letting go you actually being grateful. And That you believe God has His hands on it.

.Cheers.

Mend The Implausible

Link on the pic

I didn’t hate you guys really

And sometimes I spent those times crying

Mourning over our good time together

What happen to you?

What happen to us?

I didn’t know really

What did I do wrong?

What did you do wrong?

I didn’t care

I didn’t give a fucking shit you know

I just want us good

AGAIN

Is it because that dime?

Or is it because that dog?

I don’t know, you know

I don’t even know you, now

And here I am hoping that you’ll do good

Do happy as you wish as you want

As you try to accomplish

And I hope it’s worth the blood.

To Forgive

IMG_4700-0.JPG

Picture from here

Took me 10 years but then I live with peace in heart and breath in relief.

.Cheers.

Talking About People

IMG_4699.JPG
Picture from here

Is one thing I avoided the most. Especially if you talk bad about them behind their back. (It’s idiocy when you get caught)

So no, I don’t like talking about people. And that makes me so far away from other people because I guess talking about people is one basic thing in social life. Thus, I don’t have a very good social life, which is true but not entirely.

If people really want to know other people life, I don’t. Not even if it was a good one. Because I was hard to impress. Mostly when you talk about people you talk about their flaws or what they doing now or what they wear or what they just bought or their honeymoon or their divorced or whom they’ve just met or wht they’ve just accomplished all that the nice and not nice things to hear. When it was a bad one they called gossiping,cmiiw. When it was a good one they might as well say showing off, cmiiw. Either one I don’t talk about them or talk to know about them.

I am basically an introvert so I don’t talk and I don’t share my thoughts to people. I even managed to bottle up my dissatisfaction for more that three years to people without so much confrontration, which I loathe. But I do discuss people mostly only with my husband. About what makes them do this and that. Or why they do what they do. Or how I should handle them. But I didn’t like to judge really. Being judge my whole life it was the last thing I want to do. So to talk with me you have to have a very open mind. Which is very hard to find because people tend to think they’re right and other people are wrong.

So a little chit chat was a hard thing to do. Because I didn’t want to know what clothes you just bought. Or what branded clothes your kid wear. Or what kind of car you just bought. Or how big is your house. Or how much money do you make. Or where you go for your vacation. Or how you get scholarship. Or else.

I do sometimes talk about people with people who like to talk about people just to fit in but the truth was I am human. I made mistakes. But in the end it was regret I am feeling in, so not cool.

You know when you point your index finger to people the rest four fingers are pointing at you. It’s better to talk more to yourself rather than talk about people. Perhaps you can convince yourself to pass denial phase of your flaws. Made peace with yourself.

.Cheers.

Grey Movie Review

link click on the picture

I know it’s a bit late of a review while it’s already plenty of review but since this movie was banned from my country then I had to have my own way. I was never a fan of books-turn-movie things especially if the genre is some kind drama with hearts and flowers (unless if it’s consist some action that I can enjoy) so yeah I wasn’t expecting much from this movie. Based on my curiosity over this well-know erotica romance book and Jamie Dornan off course I finally able to finish watching the movie.

My first impression when I watched this movie was badly awkward. Yeah that bad kind of way because I spent myself giggling of embarrassment through out the movie. This is why:

*Book conversation turn dialogue was extremely weird. It’s pretty romantic or dark when it was written in words but sound flat when it was said. I was turning away from the screen continuously as when Christian say “I don’t make love. I fuck, hard,” and “Laters, baby,” or “I’m fifty shades of fucked up”. It ruined all imagination, I guess.

*Some casts were less suitable. It started with Grace Trevelyan-Grey, Katherine Cavanagh, Ethan Grey. It lacks the feel that I got from each character when I was reading the book.

*Jamie and Dakota lack of chemistry. I found that the chemistry was not that ‘bound’ enough. I wasn’t that dreamy looking to the exchange between both of them some suppose to be romantic or dark but they brought it in between.

The second time I watched it with my husband intending to get his point of view from someone who didn’t get to read the book. I got to agree this time that the movie was not that bad. And that was because Jamie and Dakota acting was great despite their lacks of chemistry. Gotta admit I watched this more than a couple times because I like to rehash the story. Dakota made Anastasia Steele more appealing and funny and strong than what the book has. Gone inner goddess. And I swear I saw a better version of Bella Swan in her. As for Jamie he did his best to portray Christian despite the ‘weirdness’ characteristic of Christian, though in the book Christian are millions way more dark than what Jamie portray but he doesn’t appear to be trying.

Not gonna comment a lot on the sex scene but it was considered considerate enough as in the book it was such a boring and repetitive sex scene. Yes, some people view this story as an abusive relationship which I can’t agree more but I choose to be wiser as everything need an example and through this I learn what kind of abusive relationship are. But this movie makes Grey doesn’t come off as abusive except when he lets loose on Anna with with a braided belt. Though she doesn’t safe word.

Well I guess lots of people are that curious about this movie in my country preferably because this was erotica genre. Not something that was talk or discuss or doing openly in public. But to me this books and movie was not all about sex, it was a romance books with just too much repetitive sex scene. That’s and the ‘red room of pain’.I learned a lot through this books about abusive personality, coping mechanism and BDSM (a world I never though exist). But I gotta say this books and movie was NOT a good example of BDSM practice.

The movie run for 125 minutes and comprise about 15 minutes of the film, or less than one-fifth of its 100-minute running time. SO don’t get your high up on the sex scene. I do expect the sequel though because I knew in Fifty Shades Darker it was more twisted and dramatic. But I dunno, hope they write a better screenplay.

.Cheers.

Lonely

IMG_4246.JPG

You know I didn’t consider myself being easily approach. People told their first impression of me is always bitchy because how I might look in silence. While from my perspective I more of an awkward. It’s in me that I appear closed off, quite, not that kind that will initiate conversation so sorry no I will not suddenly being talkative. Somehow it makes me hard to adjust and join a new community. And in result lesser people to be friend with.

Not that I don’t have friends well I do a lot I guess. Friends that I never talk to. Elementary friends. Junior high friends. High school friends. College friends. Work friends. A friendship that only happen at that time. I only keep it close with people that I consider my best-friends. I have 6 best high school female friends. 7 best college female friends 3 best college male friends. In which I keep close no matter nil conversation we had they’ll always in my inner circle.

To be truth I more close to my male friends rather that my female friends. Dunno. Well, I guess I know because they don’t do complicated. Female do. And as my husband said I more likely anti-mainstream so I only need a pinch dose of female talks. And now as I am married it’s hard to keep in touch with all. I really do want to share a more off me but I scare. Scare that no one will not judge me because my whole life I was being judge.

My husband is my project of opening his mind when talk to me. At first he always think the opposite of what I mean but by time he’s the only one that understand me more than anyone. I wasn’t a big and sweet and nice talker you know. I was fierce and there’s no such sugar-coat words. Which might be accepted by people as yeah trully bitchy. Even though my intent was good but by my talking that’ll appear I was harsh. Well, I am, I guess.

The reason I write more and talk more because I wasn’t a smooth talker. And this life I ride now leave me empty with friends. Lonely. And that’s a feeling that I didn’t want to deal with.

Thanks for listening.

.Cheers.

Why I Didn’t Shop Anymore

Shopping and woman become one individual, I guess, whether you do realize you have money or not. In my country this week is a payday week so when I saw an advertising say “tonight! Late night sale” I was like “here we go again”

As woman most of the times shopping is a must, a best-friend in lonely or happy or sad or any time. I’ve been to late night sale twice or three time, one time for shopping the other two for hanging in a mall that open till midnight. But that one time I didn’t buy anything because I hate the line. No amount of discount will equal to me waiting in a long line. That simple.

I used to be that girl not a woman yet who spend lots and lots of money of things such as bag, shoes, clothes and on. Don’t get me wrong till today I am still a bag and shoes lover. I was in high school and I have more money that my peers have, people won’t notice because I didn’t show them my bank account in their face. Yupe I had enough money that I used to travel to Bali for two person. I love saving money, that’s if you ask where do I get my money, and I worked in family business and off course money from the elders. Never in my life, at that time, I felt sufficient on money. I had more that I can spend on food, clothes, shoes and bags. But then everything changed when I entered college, as you guess perhaps, I live with less money less than what I used to have. Did I regret it? Nope. It gave me a big lesson that make me more wise in shopping.

As I lived with less money I realized I have lots and lots unused clothes, bags and shoes. Some still have price tags some rotten because I neglected them. That moment I realized that I wasted money spent them on something I never truly needed. Years after that I manage to straighten myself and I spent time and effort on donating my clothes, shoes and bags. As per today I still have 8 pairs of shoes (3 for daily, 2 for party, 3 high-heels used to for work) from almost 20 something and 10 bags (2 for daily, 2 belong to mom, 2 clutch, 4 for backpack and diaper bags) from almost 30 something and only one clothes closet shared with husband from I don’t remember how many I donate.

Today if I want to do shopping it is because I need that stuff unless no that means no shopping. And every time I but a new stuff then I’ll make sure I donate one. Sometimes in a weak moment I do emotional shopping you know but then it will leave me in big regret so I do what I gotta do, less and less window online-shopping lol but that’s true and it works most of the times.

So any experience about shopping?

.Cheers.

Unfair

IMG_0160-0.JPG

Should I listen to you
That I better speak
And live in patience
Hard work is a must
Decent is all about
Should I know you
Talking behind my back
That I was not grateful enough
And It’s okay for me to suffer

Should I listen to you
That you praise yours
Where struggle is mild no-no
And should live in luxury
Of comfort
Should I know you
All bark and no bite
That I found amusingly ridiculous
And all words are command

Should I listen to you
That all yours are the best
One with no flaw
All in perfection-fake perfection
And bathing in too much delusion
Should I know you
Present is always present
Past is a present
And future is no where to be found
All is about you and never me

Weekly Photo Challenge: In The Depths

In response to Daily Post’s Weekly Photo Challenge: Depth

#TANJUNG TINGGI BEACH, BELITONG, INDONESIA, 2014#

IMG_0187

Depths

We only see clearly when we have reached the depths of woe.
Ouida

.Cheers.