Why I Didn’t Shop Anymore

Shopping and woman become one individual, I guess, whether you do realize you have money or not. In my country this week is a payday week so when I saw an advertising say “tonight! Late night sale” I was like “here we go again”

As woman most of the times shopping is a must, a best-friend in lonely or happy or sad or any time. I’ve been to late night sale twice or three time, one time for shopping the other two for hanging in a mall that open till midnight. But that one time I didn’t buy anything because I hate the line. No amount of discount will equal to me waiting in a long line. That simple.

I used to be that girl not a woman yet who spend lots and lots of money of things such as bag, shoes, clothes and on. Don’t get me wrong till today I am still a bag and shoes lover. I was in high school and I have more money that my peers have, people won’t notice because I didn’t show them my bank account in their face. Yupe I had enough money that I used to travel to Bali for two person. I love saving money, that’s if you ask where do I get my money, and I worked in family business and off course money from the elders. Never in my life, at that time, I felt sufficient on money. I had more that I can spend on food, clothes, shoes and bags. But then everything changed when I entered college, as you guess perhaps, I live with less money less than what I used to have. Did I regret it? Nope. It gave me a big lesson that make me more wise in shopping.

As I lived with less money I realized I have lots and lots unused clothes, bags and shoes. Some still have price tags some rotten because I neglected them. That moment I realized that I wasted money spent them on something I never truly needed. Years after that I manage to straighten myself and I spent time and effort on donating my clothes, shoes and bags. As per today I still have 8 pairs of shoes (3 for daily, 2 for party, 3 high-heels used to for work) from almost 20 something and 10 bags (2 for daily, 2 belong to mom, 2 clutch, 4 for backpack and diaper bags) from almost 30 something and only one clothes closet shared with husband from I don’t remember how many I donate.

Today if I want to do shopping it is because I need that stuff unless no that means no shopping. And every time I but a new stuff then I’ll make sure I donate one. Sometimes in a weak moment I do emotional shopping you know but then it will leave me in big regret so I do what I gotta do, less and less window online-shopping lol but that’s true and it works most of the times.

So any experience about shopping?




Should I listen to you
That I better speak
And live in patience
Hard work is a must
Decent is all about
Should I know you
Talking behind my back
That I was not grateful enough
And It’s okay for me to suffer

Should I listen to you
That you praise yours
Where struggle is mild no-no
And should live in luxury
Of comfort
Should I know you
All bark and no bite
That I found amusingly ridiculous
And all words are command

Should I listen to you
That all yours are the best
One with no flaw
All in perfection-fake perfection
And bathing in too much delusion
Should I know you
Present is always present
Past is a present
And future is no where to be found
All is about you and never me

Weekly Photo Challenge: In The Depths

In response to Daily Post’s Weekly Photo Challenge: Depth




We only see clearly when we have reached the depths of woe.


People Think That You’re Fine But Actually You’re Struggling….Hard…

I miss that time, you know, when I can run for miles, swimming for countless lap, or even listening hard-music out loud and singing from the top of my lungs to clear my mind or to wash away stressed or to relieve pain.

Sometimes I miss beer and cigar and that wild hedonistic life when I was single.

Sometimes it’s hard that I can’t speak with people. It’s sometimes feel unhappy but happy. Feel strong but weak. Feel suffocated but free.

It’s poignant.

Sometimes I miss writing and blogging but I just didn’t have enough time and my day just consume my thoughts.

On the other side people think you’re fine. You’re doing good. You’re awesome.

This is where my earlier depression leaves its tail behind.

Sometimes I want to tell but to know it won’t bring anything good but regrets in the future.

pic from here



I want to make love

or that heady steamy wild sex

I couldn’t not think of

That’s my demons for tonight

How I Torn Between My Mother Language To English

After all the hibernation I needed I was torn to come back to blog because somehow I tried so damn hard to define myself through my writing. I really miss writing and blogging. But it’s been my dream to write my blog in my mother tongue language: Bahasa Indonesia so I tried to make a new one just for my blog in Bahasa but then it went nowhere because I didn’t channel my mind to words better than I do in English. How frustrating! So I spent a generous amount contemplating to write or not, to publish or not, to post or not on my new blog and it just settle on “Welcome”. As for now, I’ll just continue writing in English?

Any of you have the same experience of writing or expressing yourself better in other language?

Hibernating, Expecting, and Fasting

Dear readers,


I know, I’ve been around just for reading. I have no power of writing and blogging even though I miss it damn much. I have some new posts in the draft and my notepad it’s just I am have no intention to read it and edit it. So I decide to hibernate for a while, well I have no idea until when. Since also am expecting, that’s the good news, but the early stage isn’t something I fond of. My body cracking and I am dying if I walking. Plus it’s fasting month here and I try to fasting as best as I can. Just wish me do everything well.

I am gonna miss you readers. I will still probably around to read some of your post so until then live long and prosper.




Chameleons and I share same trait, we change color. While chameleons change color as a response to mood, temperature, health, communication, and light, I change color as a response of innocence, I guess. lol.

Have you watch or read Eat Pray Love, on one of the scene friends of Liz said

…you know, you used to look like Stephen. Now you kind of look like David. You know? What l meant was, you know how people start resembling their dogs?

that line give me a jab right on my jaw. I feel the same with Liz. I smell like A when I was with A and I turn like B when I was with B while I am Z when with myself.  While Liz try to figure herself by doing a long and delicate journey to Italy, India and Indonesia (all start by an I), I didn’t try to figure my color, I just think and suck it up. It turns out by having partner means to influence each other so nothing wrong, right?

I believe past really shape me into myself today. Having to lost my universe when I was on my frail stage really shake my self-esteem and growing up with bunch of man or boys didn’t help me much. It just get worse.

It’s not that I didn’t know my color, I did, I do. Like chameleon they all have their basic color, pale greeny colour. I  knew my color very well, it just keep changing while I am with different people. Lack of self-esteem and weak feature make me look to other people a lot and then I’ll try to copy or mimic or put what I think work on them to me. In result, I never fully comfortable both with the process and the result.

Why I look to other people? It’s because I have no one to teach me how to make strawberry cheesecake while I never knew what the hell is strawberry cheesecake. My husband did a great deal teaching me a lot of stuff I never knew it’s exist. Though I am getting better and better, I mostly struggle with girly stuff nowadays because no way my husband can fill up that hole.

My basic color when it comes to clothes is jeans and T-shirt and sneakers. I used to whine why this world make a big deal of how we should look in front of other people. But sadly it matter. This leave me struggling and look up to what other people wear isn’t always good on me. But it always struck me right in the gut and I have to tear all apart. I envy what girls could wear and look good while apparently if I want I can’t differentiate the difference. The way I think, the way I see problems, the way I saw clothes it’s like how man see it. ALthough I am grateful for that but it’s not always good.

Peer pressure or social pressure always put me over the edge and that’s why I rarely go on social stuff with addition with my social anxiety that just make it dynamic duo. I try so hard to be fittable but  I find my comfort when I was alone and didn’t care about what people might think. Like chameleon, I show my true color when I am alone and calm.

Do you change color?


In Between Thoughts

ph: safalniveshak

Where’s there’s good there’s bad. There’s dark there’s light. There’s guilty there’s innocent. There’s black there’s white. There’s right there’s wrong. There’s something in between.

I believe in karma. I believe in what goes around comes around. I believe in what you reap is what you sow. and I believe in God, off course.

My past taught me a lot to never judge people of what happen in people’s life or of what they choose on the choice they make. I know there’s good things and bad things. There’s right doings and there’s wrong doings. There’s guilty and there’s innocent. The good and bad things are knowledge. The right and wrong doings are a choice. The guilt and innocent aren’t my place to judge.

People cheat. People corrupt. People lie. People ignorance. People fake. Women prostitute. Men douchebag. Husband abusive. Wife addict. Child broken.

There are times you witness people you love choose to do wrongs and become so bad. There are times you really want to fix them, advice them and even tell them they’re wrong. Everything happens for reasons. Reasons that most of the time we have no clue about it but we act like we knew everything. We didn’t know what happen in other people life that make them choose to do the wrong things. We didn’t. Yet we feel that we can fix them.

To some broken soul no words can make them turn into light but God. But that’s make it not our battle but their battle. No matter how much you want to change people or make stop of people do the wrong it’s not going to flip like a pancake.

You might questions everything. Question reasons of they wrong doing. But don’t judge because you are no God. and you are no saint.

You might see your loved ones fall into darkness. Fall into what they thinks will help them. You just need to stand there with your arm stretch ready for anytime help just in case they want to crawl back into light.

I used to be judged and I know how bitter that felt.  Ever since no matter how dark someone choose and all the wrong doings they act, I don’t do judge. I might admit what they do is wrong but hell that’s not my life. But I am always ready for giving help. I might admit what they do is wrong but that doesn’t mean I’ll do what they do.

I believe everything happen for reasons. Reasons I never knew. Reasons I never experienced.


Share Your World – 2013 Week 22

This week questions from fabulous Cee’s Share Your World:

What was the last URL that you bookmarked?


Give me insight of mining engineering job description. I worked in a mining company but I never knew each of people duties on the field so that was me try to learn when I had no idea what’s people doing.

For relaxation, would you rather meditate, swim, walk, listen to music, write, read, yoga, qigong, or other?

Hmm…. this is hard. I can’t pick one. I have  massage to relax my body. I walk to relax mind. I swim to relax my mind and my heart. I listen to music, write my piece and read books to relax my heart. I pray to relax my soul.

You’re given $500,000 dollars, what do you spend it on?


Fly to Paris. Buy a house. Buy a watch. Buy a parfume. Seriously the last two are the easiest thing to do but yet I can’t accomplish it in near future.


Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing?

I don’t do swinging. I do video game or PC game since I was a kid. But I’d like to have one that made from tyre hanging on a tree.