It Wasn’t Affair, It Was Love

ph: favim

I met you two years ago on summer. Like any other in summer we was in love. Silly summer love. Even when we knew we both no longer alone. Yet love made us like a fool. I worked on summer while you were on holiday. It was novel-like moments. You were my bestfriend’s bestfriend. He wished we were mate but you made me have no faith. We both knew this went nowhere yet love made us like a fool.

We took a risk with our little affair. But it was never an affair, we felt our partner was our affair. We were lovelorn. Talking hours by hours, days by days, weeks by weeks. I never felt to meet someone like him before and he felt the same. I was head over heels and so was he. But never once we touched each other with no reason but in awareness of being respect to each other. It was an emotionally relationship where we didn’t need physical things. We were under each other spell.

28 days the exact moments we were in lovesick. Until you needed to come home. And real world were about to begin. We promised to keep in touch. We did. We isolated ourself from reality from our family from our currently-partner. We lied. I’d stay all night chat with you on facebook or talk to you on skype. There’s nothing we wouldn’t do for each other except one, break off our current relationship.

Hours by hours, days by days, weeks by weeks when we started to back to reality. Our communication gone. I was tired when you called to chat. You were with your girlfriend when I needed to talk. We vaporized.

Last month, after a year, you showed yourself in my front door. You said you weren’t able to forget me. You said you break your girlfriends to be with me. I appalled. After all this year without words he popped out in my door and what-told me to be with him. I was silent. In split second I found his mouth in mine. His savage tongue meet my ferocious tongue, I knew he was in hunger of my kiss. He released me and kissed me and kissed me. He violently kissed me and it made me aroused. I wanted him so badly, I wanted to be beneath him.

I awoke in his chest while he kept holding my waist tightly against him. We talked hours by hours, days by days, weeks by weeks left the reality. Told him I was someone fiancee. He said it was okay and wished me to leave. I was hesitated. but then I did leave. And love made us like a fool.

I Know

ph: here

 It’s over
When I kiss you
U didn’t kiss me back



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I hate that I have to surender
my will my want my need
So that you can live easy
and I live hard er
So that you blind for every
shed of tears prickle of sweats taste of blood

I hate that I have to give up
my happy my sorrow
So that you can live in lights
and I live in the nights
So that you dance under
my misery my moon my doom

Learn From What You See Not What You Were Told


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If one thing that I can like from meeting people is actually I can learn about the people I encountered with. Thought I was an introvert and being involved in social life was like a torture but I actually like (not always enjoy) meeting with (a lot of) people (to a certain number that won’t cause me headache). I never knew I shockingly have a major interest in learning about people’s behavior. Did that make you label me to have interest in physiology ? Maybe. I didn’t have confident label myself to something that I knew need academic study.

Since I was young I always able to like or dislike people based on instinct even thought I never knew the reason at that moment. And at later time I will witness or find out the reason why. Then I learned how to read people’s body language and define their intention (though nowadays I hardly remember how did I do that). My now-husband was my partner to share about people’s body language or behavior that I someone have. Nowadays it was my now-husband that ‘fill’ me with such information because it was part of his job. But it was DISC Profile that make it easier and faster for me to define one individual. Or define myself in this matter. I didn’t say judge because I wasn’t judging I was analyzing. And I love how the way it works.

Learning people behavior make me less judgemental-not that it means I like to judge,nope, I despise people who judge-but make me more understand myself and then I understand people more. It make me understand why people do what they do. And that’s it. I didn’t pursue or dig any further about the why because it will get you nowhere but headache.

So a moment like these two days where I can meet a lot of people in a social gathering make me thrilled because I can learn about people. About how the reason he/she live on the top of wheel of life or the reason he/she have a spoiled brat, or the reason I became defensive when people start commenting me and my kid life.

If there’s one thing you have to remember: never judge because you never know. behind the closed door.




People might forget but not remember
Or might not forget but not remember
Or might not forget but remember
Or might forget but remember
This is what years did to you

*sometimes I cried because I missed you or because I forget about you or because I remember about your(pain)s but mostly because I want to share to you so I won’t feel lonely*

What I Learn From Marriage


I was in a 9-long-year relationship with my now-husband and into 4 year marriage. You might think that our early marriage life would be easy because we had that 9 year. But no and no. Though I knew the good and the bad of my husband, living together under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed wasn’t that easy. Took almost a year for me to be ok with the differences. It was all because communication. We tried our damndest to have a very good communication that perhaps satisfy both sides even in real we fight a lot to achieve that. And here we are enjoying our fruit.

XX Talked about a lot of things XX
My husband is someone I can talk about a lot of things. We talked about a lot of things from something small to something big that make us concern. Including how the way we talk to each other to understand each of us better. I am one with no sweet but a wounded soul and my husband is one with too much sweet and a spolied brat. At first it became an issue for each other but now not so much, my husband knew that he need to sweeten his words to speak to me and I need to be real and no sugarcoat words. Why? Because that’s how it works.

XX To Put ourself in each other shoes XX
We often discuss something that will lead to a hot debate. You want your husband to understand you and vice versa. As an example I was dead tired from work and he asked me to do stuff that he might do while waiting for me from office but spent lounging on a sofa. I simply ask him “what would you do if you’re in my shoes?”We often switch our point of view to understand better of each other feeling. So now it was a matter of looking to each other feeling first about something then we discuss.

XX Accept the difference and don’t expect a change XX
My husband and I are completely different but we complement each other. He likes to talk and I loath talking. He’s a social person and I am more of a loner. He’s a mess and I am super neat. He forget a lot and I never forget. So here comes our role. He deals with people and I deal with stuff. And then we don’t try to change each other (unless it is something come from within). Really you can’t change people who don’t like to socializing to actively socializing or to expect people who forgetful to always remember. Human afterall they full of flaws.

XX Don’t let your spouse be your everything XX
Sure, I love my husband and we said to each other that we put ourself first then kid. But no one person can be your everything. No one person should have to be your everything. That’s a hell of a lot to ask. I learnt this from my parents and my mom passed away.

Well, I guess that’s for now. Do you have something you can sharevthat you learn from your marriage?


Letting Go


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If you think for one second I was singing Frozen OST you are making fun at me. I sing but terribly so it was for my husband only lol. Nope, this time I want to share my decision to letting go. And be grateful.

My mom passed away when I was 14 thus should make me the ‘subtitution’ of my mom. Meaning I should be more responsible to what left behind. My brothers. But I was not. I was so lost and numb inside. I was so focused on myself only that I didn’t even remember where my brother were whereas we lived in the same house. And I just realize 14 years later and there was night when I cried because I was sorry I was so neglectful. But nobody can’t blame me, I was a kid.

Lots of my life decision was made considering my father and brothers college for example but I am not getting into details. 7 years after my mom passed away I finally able to let her go. And her death makes me even grateful that she didn’t have togo through this life shittiness. The years to come I tried to find myself and to forgive myself for all the bad mistakes I’ve made in my ‘dark’ age. And it all finally come to a closure.

After 10 years I finally able to forgive myself. I can love myself without having to depend of others love. But then I still struggle with the guilt over neglecting my brother. I thought I should be man up. I know no excuse but I was damned at that time. And I was hoping to a redemption. That my life goal was changing into making my brothers happy. So I would do everything to support them.

I was hoping that we would always be in the same way. I expected the same success. The same faith. The same future. The same afterlife. But God forbid me I guess because once I married my life goal wasn’t them anymore. It was hard at first to realize and to admit but then I finally able to let them go.

I thought that we own our own journey. That my brothers own their own journey too. Of how succeed their work life would be. Of how deep their faith to God. Of how happy their life. And each of them might have different definition for all of that. So I let them go and let myself go. That they’re adults and they responsible to their own future and life. But I will always here watching with a hawk-eye and here and there remembering them and praying for the best of them.

Sometimes in life you’ll meet with a moment where you have to let go one or two or even three things in your life. Easy? You wish. Admit it doesn’t mean you’re weak but to me it means you strong. You don’t have to shout it out loud to the world but to yourself. And then try to let ’em go because by letting go you actually being grateful. And That you believe God has His hands on it.


Mend The Implausible

Link on the pic

I didn’t hate you guys really

And sometimes I spent those times crying

Mourning over our good time together

What happen to you?

What happen to us?

I didn’t know really

What did I do wrong?

What did you do wrong?

I didn’t care

I didn’t give a fucking shit you know

I just want us good


Is it because that dime?

Or is it because that dog?

I don’t know, you know

I don’t even know you, now

And here I am hoping that you’ll do good

Do happy as you wish as you want

As you try to accomplish

And I hope it’s worth the blood.

To Forgive


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Took me 10 years but then I live with peace in heart and breath in relief.


Talking About People

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Is one thing I avoided the most. Especially if you talk bad about them behind their back. (It’s idiocy when you get caught)

So no, I don’t like talking about people. And that makes me so far away from other people because I guess talking about people is one basic thing in social life. Thus, I don’t have a very good social life, which is true but not entirely.

If people really want to know other people life, I don’t. Not even if it was a good one. Because I was hard to impress. Mostly when you talk about people you talk about their flaws or what they doing now or what they wear or what they just bought or their honeymoon or their divorced or whom they’ve just met or wht they’ve just accomplished all that the nice and not nice things to hear. When it was a bad one they called gossiping,cmiiw. When it was a good one they might as well say showing off, cmiiw. Either one I don’t talk about them or talk to know about them.

I am basically an introvert so I don’t talk and I don’t share my thoughts to people. I even managed to bottle up my dissatisfaction for more that three years to people without so much confrontration, which I loathe. But I do discuss people mostly only with my husband. About what makes them do this and that. Or why they do what they do. Or how I should handle them. But I didn’t like to judge really. Being judge my whole life it was the last thing I want to do. So to talk with me you have to have a very open mind. Which is very hard to find because people tend to think they’re right and other people are wrong.

So a little chit chat was a hard thing to do. Because I didn’t want to know what clothes you just bought. Or what branded clothes your kid wear. Or what kind of car you just bought. Or how big is your house. Or how much money do you make. Or where you go for your vacation. Or how you get scholarship. Or else.

I do sometimes talk about people with people who like to talk about people just to fit in but the truth was I am human. I made mistakes. But in the end it was regret I am feeling in, so not cool.

You know when you point your index finger to people the rest four fingers are pointing at you. It’s better to talk more to yourself rather than talk about people. Perhaps you can convince yourself to pass denial phase of your flaws. Made peace with yourself.


Another me you barely see (and all the pent-ups)

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