Ranting

I want to rant so much
That it was a build up
Of ongoing behavior
That an adult could be so ignorant and selfish and such a kid
That mostly i feel all alone
In this
That often i feel like giving up
Words given are rotten
Words out are completely bullshit

So Long…

No see

Today mark 20
Of a hollowed soul
As I stand before you
Looking high under the mask
I Gritted my teeth
Hold back my tears
Clenched my fist
And let all the words play in my head
Spilled the unspoken
A minute of solitude

Close the eyes
And walk away
So no chance of what ifs
Looking strong.

Many Times…

There are
Many times i want to escape from this relationship
Many times i imagine walk out of that blue door with no sound and disappear


Especially when my existence was not appreciated enough
Especially when i was nt understood enough


Many times I wish I am dead just so you know I am matter
But many times my past get in the way


Especially when things get tough
Especially when no one was there for me to hold on


Many times I regretted this
Many times I wish I didnt do that


Especially when you think the world revolve around you
Especially when everything so upheavel

Many times I cry by myself
Many times I was there sorting out everything solo


Especially when I took all the blame
Especially when my worth is just in bed

Many times
Many times
I hope it wasnt you


I hope this wasnt it


I hope was strong I hope am strong and I hope I will be stronger


For you no longer hold me fragile
For you to realize my worth
For me to stand tall and high
For me to stay firm no matter what life throws at me


At the same time no longer wishing to die

Drama: Cheese In The Trap

I am not going to do K-Drama review here. I am just admiring how this story line hit close to home. Very real-life problems. The main lead is a sociopath in a ways I can relate to many of his conditions. To me this drama speaks about two lonely soul who met each other. Both with their own struggle with their own baggage fighting their damnest to be in a relationship. Relationship require a lot of work from both side. Here, the woman are trying the best she can to understand his position and condition from where he comes from without justifying his action. At the end no amount of understanding are enough without hurting one another. Finally he realize his action hurt his loved one after so many lose so many hurt so many distance. Sometime in life not all romance are happy ending. Some are mend to end just so we can find a better one. To realise relationship mean through thick and thin for both in the same boat to sail. I know there will be times when things are tough and you want to quit but hang in there. Sail away even though your boat start to sink, fix it. If after everything you both do the boat still sinking then swim away. Let it sink but do not drown. Cheers.

Depression

Is where I meet the thought of die is easier than living

At times like this I just want to die

But at the same time I dont want my kin went through what I’ve been through living without my life

I just want to die

When all the pressure was more than I can handle

I just want to die

When I feel like I can’t bear it anymore

I just want to die

When I feel unworthy

I just want to die

When you left me and didnt even aay sorry

I just want to die

Because it seems easier than living

I really want to die

Cuz I livin hell

I want to die

Or just die

Am Hurt and Unhappy

If I want to blame, I should blame myself at the first place

For being with someone who constantly destroying my self worth.

But I was just never realize that this is going to be so hard that I am in for the sake of You.

Everytime you go selfish I just want to die. Disappear from this world. Disappear from you.

But then I remember I have two hearts I’m so in love with. That make me willing to stay alive so that they won’t feel what I feel.

After this will be (another) sorry. And then another nothing-happened moment. And then it will (again).

This is not my fault. This is you being broken. And I was trying to hold on a broken vase while cracking mine.

You and your words cut deep. You and your action wound me so deep. That both left me open with a bleeding heart.

So many times I want a pause. Or an out. Just so I can feel myself. Loving me without you like before. Because. You are my unhappiness. The source of my depression.

Maybe

Maybe if you are listening you would know how much I cry for help

Maybe if you are not selfish you would take more initiative

Maybe if you are realize where we are now you would understand there are things that you need to sacrifice

Maybe if you are grown up more you would show more the role of being you

Maybe if I die you would know not to take things for granted

Maybe…

Maybe…..

Maybe……

Maybe I should be stronger every damn time even in my lowest point of sanity

Maybe I should surrender myself to my mistakes of being with you

Maybe I should more grateful so I less complaining

Maybe I should write more of what’s on my mind when I am lonely

Maybe I should stand wiser dealing with how life treat me unfair

Maybe this is it…

Painfull Connection

Dear grrrl,

Did you know that I feel betrayed?

That I being used by you, when no one was around you.

You were alone against the world

Against the people you love

I was there to support you

To be the shoulder you need to cry on

But most of all to be the ear that will listen to your silent cry and painful laugh

Did you know I feel betrayed?

For being so open and makes me vulnerable

Telling you all the pain, the hardship, the loath I had against the world

Now that you were through

You no longer need me, nor do I need you

I was happy for you

Genuinely happy whatever path you choose

Even though it hurted me

Did you know I feel betrayed?

For you not talking to me after all you’ve been through

I didn’t ask for a deep meaning full conversation

I longed for a connection out of politeness

No, am not gonna whinning like you did

Now that every thing is on your side you just disappear

Into nothing

Left me with the pain for trusting you

And for this I was forever in hatred for cut myself open in front of you

Have a good life.

Die

Everytime you hurt me

I want to die

But then I remember I don’t want to die

It just the pain is so unbearable

My emotional pain

For being filth to myself

Everytime you lie to me

I want to die

Because I sense the truth

But you just not man up enough to say it to my face

No telling the truth but no lie

What’s the difference?

Everytime you missing

I wish I’m the one who dissapear

Because I want to pain-free and happy

But u are my life …one sick life

Another me you barely see (and all the pent-ups)

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