Grey Movie Review

link click on the picture

I know it’s a bit late of a review while it’s already plenty of review but since this movie was banned from my country then I had to have my own way. I was never a fan of books-turn-movie things especially if the genre is some kind drama with hearts and flowers (unless if it’s consist some action that I can enjoy) so yeah I wasn’t expecting much from this movie. Based on my curiosity over this well-know erotica romance book and Jamie Dornan off course I finally able to finish watching the movie.

My first impression when I watched this movie was badly awkward. Yeah that bad kind of way because I spent myself giggling of embarrassment through out the movie. This is why:

*Book conversation turn dialogue was extremely weird. It’s pretty romantic or dark when it was written in words but sound flat when it was said. I was turning away from the screen continuously as when Christian say “I don’t make love. I fuck, hard,” and “Laters, baby,” or “I’m fifty shades of fucked up”. It ruined all imagination, I guess.

*Some casts were less suitable. It started with Grace Trevelyan-Grey, Katherine Cavanagh, Ethan Grey. It lacks the feel that I got from each character when I was reading the book.

*Jamie and Dakota lack of chemistry. I found that the chemistry was not that ‘bound’ enough. I wasn’t that dreamy looking to the exchange between both of them some suppose to be romantic or dark but they brought it in between.

The second time I watched it with my husband intending to get his point of view from someone who didn’t get to read the book. I got to agree this time that the movie was not that bad. And that was because Jamie and Dakota acting was great despite their lacks of chemistry. Gotta admit I watched this more than a couple times because I like to rehash the story. Dakota made Anastasia Steele more appealing and funny and strong than what the book has. Gone inner goddess. And I swear I saw a better version of Bella Swan in her. As for Jamie he did his best to portray Christian despite the ‘weirdness’ characteristic of Christian, though in the book Christian are millions way more dark than what Jamie portray but he doesn’t appear to be trying.

Not gonna comment a lot on the sex scene but it was considered considerate enough as in the book it was such a boring and repetitive sex scene. Yes, some people view this story as an abusive relationship which I can’t agree more but I choose to be wiser as everything need an example and through this I learn what kind of abusive relationship are. But this movie makes Grey doesn’t come off as abusive except when he lets loose on Anna with with a braided belt. Though she doesn’t safe word.

Well I guess lots of people are that curious about this movie in my country preferably because this was erotica genre. Not something that was talk or discuss or doing openly in public. But to me this books and movie was not all about sex, it was a romance books with just too much repetitive sex scene. That’s and the ‘red room of pain’.I learned a lot through this books about abusive personality, coping mechanism and BDSM (a world I never though exist). But I gotta say this books and movie was NOT a good example of BDSM practice.

The movie run for 125 minutes and comprise about 15 minutes of the film, or less than one-fifth of its 100-minute running time. SO don’t get your high up on the sex scene. I do expect the sequel though because I knew in Fifty Shades Darker it was more twisted and dramatic. But I dunno, hope they write a better screenplay.




You know I didn’t consider myself being easily approach. People told their first impression of me is always bitchy because how I might look in silence. While from my perspective I more of an awkward. It’s in me that I appear closed off, quite, not that kind that will initiate conversation so sorry no I will not suddenly being talkative. Somehow it makes me hard to adjust and join a new community. And in result lesser people to be friend with.

Not that I don’t have friends well I do a lot I guess. Friends that I never talk to. Elementary friends. Junior high friends. High school friends. College friends. Work friends. A friendship that only happen at that time. I only keep it close with people that I consider my best-friends. I have 6 best high school female friends. 7 best college female friends 3 best college male friends. In which I keep close no matter nil conversation we had they’ll always in my inner circle.

To be truth I more close to my male friends rather that my female friends. Dunno. Well, I guess I know because they don’t do complicated. Female do. And as my husband said I more likely anti-mainstream so I only need a pinch dose of female talks. And now as I am married it’s hard to keep in touch with all. I really do want to share a more off me but I scare. Scare that no one will not judge me because my whole life I was being judge.

My husband is my project of opening his mind when talk to me. At first he always think the opposite of what I mean but by time he’s the only one that understand me more than anyone. I wasn’t a big and sweet and nice talker you know. I was fierce and there’s no such sugar-coat words. Which might be accepted by people as yeah trully bitchy. Even though my intent was good but by my talking that’ll appear I was harsh. Well, I am, I guess.

The reason I write more and talk more because I wasn’t a smooth talker. And this life I ride now leave me empty with friends. Lonely. And that’s a feeling that I didn’t want to deal with.

Thanks for listening.


Why I Didn’t Shop Anymore

Shopping and woman become one individual, I guess, whether you do realize you have money or not. In my country this week is a payday week so when I saw an advertising say “tonight! Late night sale” I was like “here we go again”

As woman most of the times shopping is a must, a best-friend in lonely or happy or sad or any time. I’ve been to late night sale twice or three time, one time for shopping the other two for hanging in a mall that open till midnight. But that one time I didn’t buy anything because I hate the line. No amount of discount will equal to me waiting in a long line. That simple.

I used to be that girl not a woman yet who spend lots and lots of money of things such as bag, shoes, clothes and on. Don’t get me wrong till today I am still a bag and shoes lover. I was in high school and I have more money that my peers have, people won’t notice because I didn’t show them my bank account in their face. Yupe I had enough money that I used to travel to Bali for two person. I love saving money, that’s if you ask where do I get my money, and I worked in family business and off course money from the elders. Never in my life, at that time, I felt sufficient on money. I had more that I can spend on food, clothes, shoes and bags. But then everything changed when I entered college, as you guess perhaps, I live with less money less than what I used to have. Did I regret it? Nope. It gave me a big lesson that make me more wise in shopping.

As I lived with less money I realized I have lots and lots unused clothes, bags and shoes. Some still have price tags some rotten because I neglected them. That moment I realized that I wasted money spent them on something I never truly needed. Years after that I manage to straighten myself and I spent time and effort on donating my clothes, shoes and bags. As per today I still have 8 pairs of shoes (3 for daily, 2 for party, 3 high-heels used to for work) from almost 20 something and 10 bags (2 for daily, 2 belong to mom, 2 clutch, 4 for backpack and diaper bags) from almost 30 something and only one clothes closet shared with husband from I don’t remember how many I donate.

Today if I want to do shopping it is because I need that stuff unless no that means no shopping. And every time I but a new stuff then I’ll make sure I donate one. Sometimes in a weak moment I do emotional shopping you know but then it will leave me in big regret so I do what I gotta do, less and less window online-shopping lol but that’s true and it works most of the times.

So any experience about shopping?




Should I listen to you
That I better speak
And live in patience
Hard work is a must
Decent is all about
Should I know you
Talking behind my back
That I was not grateful enough
And It’s okay for me to suffer

Should I listen to you
That you praise yours
Where struggle is mild no-no
And should live in luxury
Of comfort
Should I know you
All bark and no bite
That I found amusingly ridiculous
And all words are command

Should I listen to you
That all yours are the best
One with no flaw
All in perfection-fake perfection
And bathing in too much delusion
Should I know you
Present is always present
Past is a present
And future is no where to be found
All is about you and never me

Weekly Photo Challenge: In The Depths

In response to Daily Post’s Weekly Photo Challenge: Depth




We only see clearly when we have reached the depths of woe.


People Think That You’re Fine But Actually You’re Struggling….Hard…

I miss that time, you know, when I can run for miles, swimming for countless lap, or even listening hard-music out loud and singing from the top of my lungs to clear my mind or to wash away stressed or to relieve pain.

Sometimes I miss beer and cigar and that wild hedonistic life when I was single.

Sometimes it’s hard that I can’t speak with people. It’s sometimes feel unhappy but happy. Feel strong but weak. Feel suffocated but free.

It’s poignant.

Sometimes I miss writing and blogging but I just didn’t have enough time and my day just consume my thoughts.

On the other side people think you’re fine. You’re doing good. You’re awesome.

This is where my earlier depression leaves its tail behind.

Sometimes I want to tell but to know it won’t bring anything good but regrets in the future.

pic from here



I want to make love

or that heady steamy wild sex

I couldn’t not think of

That’s my demons for tonight

How I Torn Between My Mother Language To English

After all the hibernation I needed I was torn to come back to blog because somehow I tried so damn hard to define myself through my writing. I really miss writing and blogging. But it’s been my dream to write my blog in my mother tongue language: Bahasa Indonesia so I tried to make a new one just for my blog in Bahasa but then it went nowhere because I didn’t channel my mind to words better than I do in English. How frustrating! So I spent a generous amount contemplating to write or not, to publish or not, to post or not on my new blog and it just settle on “Welcome”. As for now, I’ll just continue writing in English?

Any of you have the same experience of writing or expressing yourself better in other language?

Hibernating, Expecting, and Fasting

Dear readers,


I know, I’ve been around just for reading. I have no power of writing and blogging even though I miss it damn much. I have some new posts in the draft and my notepad it’s just I am have no intention to read it and edit it. So I decide to hibernate for a while, well I have no idea until when. Since also am expecting, that’s the good news, but the early stage isn’t something I fond of. My body cracking and I am dying if I walking. Plus it’s fasting month here and I try to fasting as best as I can. Just wish me do everything well.

I am gonna miss you readers. I will still probably around to read some of your post so until then live long and prosper.




Chameleons and I share same trait, we change color. While chameleons change color as a response to mood, temperature, health, communication, and light, I change color as a response of innocence, I guess. lol.

Have you watch or read Eat Pray Love, on one of the scene friends of Liz said

…you know, you used to look like Stephen. Now you kind of look like David. You know? What l meant was, you know how people start resembling their dogs?

that line give me a jab right on my jaw. I feel the same with Liz. I smell like A when I was with A and I turn like B when I was with B while I am Z when with myself.  While Liz try to figure herself by doing a long and delicate journey to Italy, India and Indonesia (all start by an I), I didn’t try to figure my color, I just think and suck it up. It turns out by having partner means to influence each other so nothing wrong, right?

I believe past really shape me into myself today. Having to lost my universe when I was on my frail stage really shake my self-esteem and growing up with bunch of man or boys didn’t help me much. It just get worse.

It’s not that I didn’t know my color, I did, I do. Like chameleon they all have their basic color, pale greeny colour. I  knew my color very well, it just keep changing while I am with different people. Lack of self-esteem and weak feature make me look to other people a lot and then I’ll try to copy or mimic or put what I think work on them to me. In result, I never fully comfortable both with the process and the result.

Why I look to other people? It’s because I have no one to teach me how to make strawberry cheesecake while I never knew what the hell is strawberry cheesecake. My husband did a great deal teaching me a lot of stuff I never knew it’s exist. Though I am getting better and better, I mostly struggle with girly stuff nowadays because no way my husband can fill up that hole.

My basic color when it comes to clothes is jeans and T-shirt and sneakers. I used to whine why this world make a big deal of how we should look in front of other people. But sadly it matter. This leave me struggling and look up to what other people wear isn’t always good on me. But it always struck me right in the gut and I have to tear all apart. I envy what girls could wear and look good while apparently if I want I can’t differentiate the difference. The way I think, the way I see problems, the way I saw clothes it’s like how man see it. ALthough I am grateful for that but it’s not always good.

Peer pressure or social pressure always put me over the edge and that’s why I rarely go on social stuff with addition with my social anxiety that just make it dynamic duo. I try so hard to be fittable but  I find my comfort when I was alone and didn’t care about what people might think. Like chameleon, I show my true color when I am alone and calm.

Do you change color?