I Don’t Know

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2 a.m

I woke up with an urge to look through

Scrolling to the name I knew

The name I marked a long time before

Because it was a nickname

(no one gives nickname unless it’s something)

With secretive dub and deleted messages

Dang!

It was what it was

That kill my curiosity

It was the answer to my leery

 

 

3.10

The day you were not in my bed

Distance was what lay ahead

We texted we called we facetimed

Finished with a promise to meet in the dream

Just before nine

But I found you woke up until almost midnight

And it all start just before nine

It’s an end to one and a start with another one

 

 

8.45 p.m

It started with a question about work

With a little bit of affection

Then it was answered with another flirtation

When it should be about about job

There was much good-natured banter

That was started with you

Asking her facebook

Asking her instagram

Asking her what she was doing in saturday night

To addressing her being busy

To waiting her going home

To letting you know if she was home

To commenting her being home late

To asking what she was going to do once home

To hoping you will have longer word to exchange

Or to hoping you will call her or facetime her

I don’t know

It might be deleted or it might never happen

But It was finished with a good night

 

 

11.45 p.m

The nickname girl, I named her

A girl who has no face

A girl who’s on my list

A girl I bet is younger than mine

Who has the audicity to play a game

A hard-to-get game

That was so challenging to conquer

I was so aghast

Battling to keep my sanity at bay

Struggling to give the benefit of the doubt

While killing myself in jealousy

Perhaps he was a flirt

Perhaps she was testing the water

Perhaps I was hurt

I don’t know

Or may be he didn’t know

Or may be she didn’t know either

 

 

I don’t know.

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Lonely

I knew you can but

You choose you can not

To me

But you can to others

With no strings attached

To come and go

As you wish

As you filled yours and

You filled hers

I knew you don’t mind

But you do

To me

But you don’t to others

Being a superhero they need

Being there when you are not suppose to

I knew you are willing

But you are not

To me

But you are to others

Listening to thousand of meaningless words

Just because they are lonely

And so are you

And so am I

I feel like a mistake you constantly make

Lady

image

She is 

Another she is

The other she is

As long as not me

You worshipped her

You loved her

You adore her

You admire her

You treates her like one

You didn’t let her lift a finger

You didn’t let her smell like a smoke

You didn’t let her pay 

You picked her up

You took her home

You listened to her

You understanded her

You came to her

I was never a lady

I was a rug you step on

I was a trash can you pour your problem

I was a spare tire you put in the trunk

I was the in-between

You never worshipped me

You never adore me

You never admire me

You never treat me like one

You let me did heavy stuff

You let me ride in the sun in the rain but never in shades

You picked me up late in the dark road 

You took me home only when you done

You never listen to me

You never understand me

You came to as a last resort

I was never a lady

Then why keep me?

Shameless

You know in this life you will come accross with brazen-faced people. People who thinks it’s okay to keep contacting a married man everyday just for asking simple stuff like:

“Where are you?” 

“What are you doing?”

“Have a good day”

“Have a good presentation”

“What time are you going home?”

“Are you home already?”

“Let’s have some lunch/dinner”

“Let’s go home together”

“Let’s take a stroll at the mall”

“Why can’t I contact you?” 

It may look like a simple question. But if you happen to do it to a man who is not your husband and doing it like (almost) everyday without your husband knowing (read: in secret) with lame excuse “for work” or “we’re just friends”, dude you need to check your brain for it. Listen woman, if you interested in being ‘friends’ with a married man and makes NO effort to be friends with his wife or told your husband you are up to NO good. Friends, don’t take a married man went home together knowing his wife waiting for him at home, take your OWN man home. No matter how many hints there goes, the brazen-faced will always stay shameless. Such a shame.

Dear Rain

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I’ve missed you. It’s been so long since I can enjoy you. Will you be my ear? Listening to the sound of my mind, to the beat of my pain, to the sorrow of my heart. I’ve been dreaming. Dreaming about all the things that made my heart ache. Dreaming about the thrills of his touch. Dreaming about the presence of his body. Dreaming about the butterfly of his willingness to keep me close. Dreaming about my despair of vengeance. But it was all just dream. A dream on repeat. A dream, a fruitage of my misery. I want to keep dreaming. So I could have what he had. I want to keep dreaming. So I could happy as he was. I want to keep dreaming. So I could hurt less. 

Dear Rain, will you help me? Washed away all my doubts and worries. Cleansed all my hatred and grudge. Wipe out all my memories and my premonition. 

Let me dream something sweet.

What Do I Do?

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Love, what do I do now? I am sitting in the dark don’t know what to do. Listening to the sound of waterfall. My heart heavy. My head hurts. I want to sleep but my mind keep racing a hundred laps. I am wondering what do I do wrong. I am wondering what should I do. Should I live or should I die. Should I trust or should I not.  I feel lonely. I feel broken. No amount of words could repair what my heart went through. I want to run. I want to flee. No amount of miles could help me collect all the broken pieces. I mourn. I repent. Of the kind of roller coaster I must ride. Tell me love, what do I do now? Cause everything seems wrong. I should not be hurt. I should not feel broken. I should not feel betrayed. I should trust. I should not care too much. While I wanna do just love. While I wanna do is trust. While I wanna do just happy. While I wanna do is growing old with you. Tell me love, what do I do now? Tell me love, what do I have to do to rebuild trust when it’s already broken? Tell me love, what do I have to do to believe everything you said is true? Tell me love, what do I do to heal?

A Part Of

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Part of me believe you. Part of me live in a fear you would betray me (again). My mind stay with logic. My heart stay in doubt always on guard ready for panic attack and terrified for another break. Last storm gave me some kind of revelation that your happiness matter more than I realize. That I can’t stand watch you in pain that I willing to experience pain just for you. Part of me want to give up. Part of me want to fight and move on. Part of me want my own happiness. Part of me want you as my happiness. I want more. More of this. More of that. More of everything. But you still battle your own battle. Battle you must face. Battle you must fight on. Part of me want to stay. Part of me want to flee. 

Painful Memories

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The bad outweight the good ones. That’s what 7 years of pain of betrayal of distrust do to you. The pain will always be there peeking from time to time. Remembering me the taste of betrayal. Of you of those girls. The distrust will always be there gnawing from time to time. Remembering me the taste of being lied to. Of you of those girls. You might feel pain because I lied. One big lie that I finally able to see you in the eye and admit it. They might feel pain because simply you just didn’t want them. But I got to feel the pain that destroy all my self-worth. You and those girls did that to me. You and those girls knew all along I was exist but still. Now I lived with all the glorious detail of your lovemaking that keep scratching my mind from time to time. That make me wondering what did I do to deserve the unbearable pain. 7 years of living in constant feeling of being worthless. 7 years of feeling that I never be enough. 7 years living like a fool. I didn’t deserve this. I hope karma find its ways to you and the girls. Especially the girls. 

F e t s i t e F

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It’s been too long. Gnawing at my soul. My mind. My heart. The picture where I want to smash your head to the wall. But I get to kill you in my head too many times too many years. I hate you so much. Your name itself is so repugnant. So I called you voldemort for so long. But I guess you understand where my hate came from. It came from you. It came because of you. It came for you. I never thought you can be so low. I hate you because you knew he was mine yet you still make a move. I hate you because I can’t hate him yet you make me hate him. I hate you because you and him fucking lie in my face while I knew the truth. You must think that I am stupid and blind. I hate you because you and are a fucking coward for rubbing your happiness in my face. I hate you because you and him broke me caused me so much pain so you both can consume your love. I hate you because you fucking volunteer to be second. I hate you because you and him are the sam, a liar, a cheater. I hate you because you make me feel inadequate with all your lovemaking. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. You might have what I didn’t have but that didn’t justify your action toward me. I hope you pay. For all my tears. For all my pain. For all my broken heart. 

A n d a g l e a m

You are safe for now

Or not

You think I didn’t know 

But I know

You think you are innocence

But are you?

You think I will stay silent

But I will not

You think all you did is nothing

But is it?
You think those phone calls you make were ok

But are those?

You think low of your spouse and his 

Are you?

You think those late night dinner were for work

Really?

You think those night stroll were being friendly

Seriously?

You are safe for now

Or not

You think I didn’t know 

But I know

You think you are innocence

But are you?

You think I will stay silent

But I will not

You think all you did is nothing

But is it?

Another me you barely see (and all the pent-ups)

Sabumi

Muslim Homeschooling Bandung

Sabumi

Muslim Homeschooling Bandung

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