Weekly Writing Challenge: Never An Instant Change

For this week’s writing challenge: tell us about a moment when your life was changed in a split second.

This theme drifted me back to various events had happen in my life but it turns out I am human – my memory is no more than a sieve. Just as water goes in and flows through, I don’t really have a lot of memories and too many pain I’ve been experienced made myself to forget every good or bad memories. Only a few. My mom death always at top of the moment that change my whole life but I told about her too much I don’t want to bore readers.

I was in a very long relationship before, quite years not many people can pull off, amongst how people admire how this relationship could work I was-we were-struggling to make ourself compatible for each other which we’re not compatible. I was always a relationship woman means I have to have a boyfriend and I did. I always have boyfriends in a row with no break.

The lack of attention and love and affection I received during my growing years lead me to a deep need of someone I can cling myself into, a boyfriend was a good choice. I was unable to stand on my own feet and incriminate a big amount of burden in each of man I’ve met which led to a heart broken. Men left me merely for other woman and I often blamed myself it was me as an excuse they stop loving me. I was broken enough and yet they made it even worse. But then I understand it was their personal problems, male issues where the more you can attract woman the more you are feel good looking and worship by women or anyone who let you get into their panties-a douchebag.

Therefore, I really want to get married at early age and having a baby and release me from the lack of affection. I was in need to be loved and to loved someone but I was never loved myself. No one take the relationship seriously what led me walk down the aisle.  But I was never fell in love with man, it’s them who fall for me first and I was too-needy of love I ended up taking them as boyfriends even though I barely know them; it took months before at the end I fell deep in love with them-long enough that they began to walk away. I was in a blank phase-everything blank-and I didn’t think mostly from the moment I lost my balance. I tried to survive from one moment to other moment with less help less friends less love.

I’ve been cheated more than people could barely handle from man I’ve put my stupid trust and yet I was still hang in there; hang on a broken relationship with a broken man that throw me off the cliff. Many times I wanted to get out from every relationship but I couldn’t. The emotional pain of being cheated no way near the pain of having no one to take care of you, pouring you with affection-with love. Yet the emotional pain of being cheated was light whereas the physical pain from self-harm could do better.

Until the last infidelity I had to deal was to win over the game with an ultimate whore woman I can not win. in addition of countless affair they’ve made behind me. My heart went numb. No matter how many times they will hurt me I just didn’t feel it anymore. No pain. No more man (when I can do everything on my own). I was able to stand on my own.  I wasn’t afraid to live alone. I wasn’t afraid of how society will drown me. I afraid of nothing but losing myself. Since then I started to love myself and promise myself to live without hesitation. and to fall in love again.

I was like this room at the beginning: empty and lonely.

In response to Weekly Writing Challenge: In An Instagram


PS: That’s one of three picture I’ve ever used in Instagram


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