Again and again: Me, OCD and Books

Lomogram_2012-11-25_09-55-54-PMThis is my fight against OCD and I lost last night. Big time.

I have tendencies of suffering from OCD or maybe I am, I am. Though I never really going to see a doctor to confirm it. I came from a country where this kind of behavior isn’t took a lot of concerns and people don’t pay attention to this kind of problems. So I was alone. I never tried to label myself an OCD but based on the symptoms I could find in Mr. Google revealing I am one of them.

At first I was learn to identify more about OCD symptoms in myself and I have no excuses to run away from it. I am what they told me someone with OCD suffering from but I knew exactly how severe this disorder effect me and my life. I was suffering severely some symptoms and the other weren’t but getting worse with my anxiety disorder. By the time I realized what happen with me I was fighting my OCD with all my might, some getting better some just stay the same but at least once I knew this things that creeping me I try to face it by gaining control of myself better.

I didn’t want to think the symptoms of every OCD I have, it’s frightening me, but I was one the checking-type OCD so last week when I decided to read a new book but once it’s finished I was very frustrated. Usually it took me 2 to 5 days to read one single book depend on how busy I am and how can I spare time to read everyday. But since last two weeks it’s been a hell experience for me which I just realize now. I was suffering reading OCD which I never expected before.

Re-reading words and paragraphs and pages in a book over and over again in a fear of not quite taking in the stories or missing something important from the stories. Once I finished one paragraph or one page I will reread the paragraphs and pages, reread and rereading the paragraphs and pages again. Then I was questioning myself whether I understand what I read or whether I remember the stories. And it killed me.

Last night I challenged myself to finish the book, 50 pages left, and it took 5 hours until I put the book to rest. I slept. I woke up and got frustrated even more. I have books line up in my shelf but once I open a new book I was going nowhere-page one for couple of minutes. I tried to read it out loud to help me understand and to make myself realize I just already read it but not help much.

I contemplated myself why I experienced such things and stranded in this blog talking about reading OCD. I realize now I was experienced it from last year where I’d check each words that I feel I understand but in order for me to make it sure I check it in dictionary, it took long time for me to finish the book but I didn’t realized I was doing it and managed to fight it. But yesterday was different I was frustrated. A lot. I guess this reading OCD will come and go as it wishes, I just hope I won’t be affected so much in the futures

I really do. hope.

Today I’ll surrender and tomorrow I’ll fight again.



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