Last night I heard a rather sad news that one of my hubs aunt passed away because health problems. Not even a wince when I heard the news, I was all flat. Though I mutter a prayer that my religion usually said when they heard a sad-death news. Afterwards was plain and no single tears in my eyes. I didn’t even ask how she died or when she died.
Later in the morning on my way to train station, I asked my hubs how and when she died and did they already buried her. Apparently they didn’t but I wasn’t wondering why I still go to work and didn’t go to her funeral instead just until now. I think I should but maybe after work I’ll go there.
I have this fear of not being able to feel other people loss and grief. So that I asked my hubs “what if my dad or my brother or you die and I didn’t even cry like any normal people do?” “what if I didn’t even sad?”
He knew me better than anyone that his answer is exactly what I feel. He said “why we should sad and cry for the loss of our love ones? we should be happy for them because they’re coming home to where they supposed to be, they coming home to God, that’s where we come from and going back to when it’s time. The loss of our love ones because they are not able to be with us again that people cry about, but what’s better than knowing that they come to a better place, we should be happy. We just need to send a lot of pray when our love ones passed away. You don’t have to worry, nothing wrong for not cry or sad because you never normal you are exceptional.”
I was always expressionless and my mom’s death really change how I see life and death. It’s a revelations of how I must treasure life and how I must accept death as something inevitable.
I did cry when I saw my mother in comatose and the after effect of her death but on the day I received the news that my mother had her last breath I didn’t cry even until the funeral I didn’t cry. Everyone cried except me and my brother. We were like usual but a little bit blank, no tears no laugh but a little smile. Her death was a major thing happen in my life that I didn’t realize at that moment until I face myself in the 5 stages of loss and grief-like Elisabeth Kübler-Ross model-not long after her death.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance stages I had in my first 7 years of her death. I was like what they tell about each stages until 7 years later I reached my acceptance stage with a big heart. A voice of my mother in my dream telling me that she will die no matter how you I want or not her die because it’s time, because it’s her time. My mother died after gave birth to my little brother but in that dream she died after a gunshot in her stomach.
After that, every time I heard a death news I no longer feel sad or have a little tear for them. I mutter a pray and then move on with my life. I no longer feel grief because a great deal of acceptance I experience that taught me from my mother death. I do feel sorry for the family or the people left behind but nothing we can do more than to pray for them and go on with life. Most of the times I don’t know what to do when people are crying and lost in loss and grief while I am not.
I still feel sorry for my family that still struggling from my mother death after 13 years without her. I hope they have the acceptance stages soon like I do. But I do scared for not being able to grief like people do.
Sometimes death is easy and beautiful while life is so much harder.