In commemorating my breakdown, couple days ago just right after Mother’s day, to a question about growing up without my mother. I am going to share a little bit what does it feel to be motherless. These question below I took from this great blog Walking Barefoot by Brenda Della Casa about Growing Up Without A Mother: Five Women Share Their Story.
How old were you when your mother passed/left? I was 14.
Can you briefly share the circumstances surrounding your situation? My mother was died at age 38 from complications after gave birth to my little brother.
Did her leaving/passing have an immediate impact? It didn’t sink in right away. I felt like I was in a dark and bleak room and after a couple of days I out of the room and run my day by day like a robot. I emotionless since. I went through a depression in high school and suffered with anxiety and low self-esteem.
Who raised you? My dad, my grandparents and my aunts in particular. Environment at the most.
How was her absence handled in your household? I am not functioning very well and my grandparents took control of it and my dad on the weekends (because he works out of town). Juggled between new routines, new environment and new life with my brothers.
How did this impact you? I should be though. I supposed to support and take care of my 3 brothers but that time I didn’t understand very well. It’s like our boat is sinking and everyone try to save themselves first. I thought about only myself and actually forgot the rest of them.
What did growing up without a mother feel like as a child/teen? As a teen, I hated every things. I hated when everyone started to talk about my mom with the pity in their eyes. I hated the person who talk about her. I hated myself. I hated my surroundings. I didn’t even cry when my mother died until some years later and it’s only a weep. Until I realized life is so much harder and it’ll be easier if there’s someone I can talk to.
How do you feel her absence has influenced you as an adult? It made me strong and fragile. At first I was all but positive. I have a lot of issues, fears, insecurities and problems. Nowadays, through God and spiritual journey I find more peace. But what past created still made me today. I was still hard to myself. I still held people at arm’s length because I didn’t want to get hurts. But the hardest thing is to see mother-daughter relationship. I was lonely because all in the house are boys, I have no one to ask for advice or simple girly stuff and it affected me no liking girls stuff.
In what ways has her absence influenced your ideas about motherhood? I anxious about being a mother big time. Many people didn’t know that the other reason I wasn’t having a baby now because I was scared of becoming one and I didn’t have women I am comfortable with to ask about womanhood and motherhood.
What do you feel is misunderstood about motherless children? That we’re strong and grow up well. You could still find a hole or holes that anything can’t fill up.
How do you feel about your mother today? She’s great and I love her a lot. But still she’s a topic I never really want to talk about with people but I write about a lot. And we’ll meet soon.
How do you handle Mothers Day? I didn’t have one to celebrate. I commemorated her birthday and death only.
How have you healed? 7 years to achieve the acceptance stage. And I’m not going to say I’m healed but I am better. There will always holes that supposed to be fill by my mother only. But God will fill it for me, I hope.
Any additional thoughts? Her death was a major thing happen and it shattered me. But it also the one that can make me stand up and stronger than my peers. As much as I love her, God love her much more. As much as she being here with me, I grateful God took her to one place she more deserved.
We’ll see you soon, Mom.