Another Disorder I Finally Discover

ph: ammunition

Many of you already know that I am someone with Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) but it took times for me to actually aware of my own problems. And more effort to actually admit it. Here in my country, having a mental problem is like having a sinful sin. They’ll thought you are somehow crazy so I didn’t familiar with mental health until couple years ago. Thank to Mr. Google. So I wasn’t seeking for medication or therapy or even asking for professional help. And my introverts  just make everything worse.

I in fact am having social anxiety disorder or social phobia (Mr. Google said they both the same just the matter of time terms). I still functioning to the point I ignore most of the situation that will lead me to my social anxiety. Stuff that dreading me: speaking in public, making small talks, being the center of attention, participating in big groups, expressing a disagreement or disapproval or at least speaking at a meeting, working/writing while being observed, talking to people in authority, the last two are the one that put me in full distressed.

Thanks to my introverts I didn’t really show any physical symptoms, I tend to avoid the dreaded situations as possible as I can. Many times I try to endure the anxiety provoking situation with considerable distress. Once, I was about to promote myself and declaring my visions and missions about stuff I am working on but I end up crying and pretending to faint before I could even speak a word. I’ll remember the day as the lamest day of my life but I realize the amount of distress result physical exhaustion and my major breakdown. I learn a lot from that moments that I should just stay behind the scenes.

My now position put me at another stake of my social anxiety, I’ll deal with a lot of people in authority and work under a hawk-eye supervisor. I didn’t like it really. Many times I consider myself to quit. And I will I guess soon but not too soon. The project hasn’t even start but I already dreading what’s ahead and it distressed me a lot.

Some people maybe want to become big but I like to stay where I am nothing superior and nothing inferior. Someone in between.

:: Maybe if you want to try LIEBOWITZ SOCIAL ANXIETY SCALE (LSAS-SR)* :: my score is 80 means very probable ::

And no, I am not crazy my country people.



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