Letting Go

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Picture from here

If you think for one second I was singing Frozen OST you are making fun at me. I sing but terribly so it was for my husband only lol. Nope, this time I want to share my decision to letting go. And be grateful.

My mom passed away when I was 14 thus should make me the ‘subtitution’ of my mom. Meaning I should be more responsible to what left behind. My brothers. But I was not. I was so lost and numb inside. I was so focused on myself only that I didn’t even remember where my brother were whereas we lived in the same house. And I just realize 14 years later and there was night when I cried because I was sorry I was so neglectful. But nobody can’t blame me, I was a kid.

Lots of my life decision was made considering my father and brothers college for example but I am not getting into details. 7 years after my mom passed away I finally able to let her go. And her death makes me even grateful that she didn’t have togo through this life shittiness. The years to come I tried to find myself and to forgive myself for all the bad mistakes I’ve made in my ‘dark’ age. And it all finally come to a closure.

After 10 years I finally able to forgive myself. I can love myself without having to depend of others love. But then I still struggle with the guilt over neglecting my brother. I thought I should be man up. I know no excuse but I was damned at that time. And I was hoping to a redemption. That my life goal was changing into making my brothers happy. So I would do everything to support them.

I was hoping that we would always be in the same way. I expected the same success. The same faith. The same future. The same afterlife. But God forbid me I guess because once I married my life goal wasn’t them anymore. It was hard at first to realize and to admit but then I finally able to let them go.

I thought that we own our own journey. That my brothers own their own journey too. Of how succeed their work life would be. Of how deep their faith to God. Of how happy their life. And each of them might have different definition for all of that. So I let them go and let myself go. That they’re adults and they responsible to their own future and life. But I will always here watching with a hawk-eye and here and there remembering them and praying for the best of them.

Sometimes in life you’ll meet with a moment where you have to let go one or two or even three things in your life. Easy? You wish. Admit it doesn’t mean you’re weak but to me it means you strong. You don’t have to shout it out loud to the world but to yourself. And then try to let ’em go because by letting go you actually being grateful. And That you believe God has His hands on it.

.Cheers.

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