Category Archives: Love

It Hurts.

Love is hurt
Love is capable to destroy one heart and cherish the other

Love is capable to make people blind of one eye and one heart

I could love

I could hate

I could transform love into hate

Love is jealousy

Love is when one entitled was allow to wait in the dark and the forbidden one was allow to bath in shine

I could love

I could revenge

I could transpire love into revenge

Love is stupid

Love is when you dive into lust of your own and don give a fuck to other.

Love is when you bow in temporary cheap thrills and lost in adultery.

I could love

I could, Love x



It’s been sixteen years
Loong and hollow

There’s day it was unbearable

But then there’s day I hardly remember

Mind is like a mesh

Remember certain things 

And forgot others

I was afraid I’d forget

So I have you everywhere

In pictures

in wall

in wallet

in your old book recipe 

In your handwriting

That’s how I keep you alive

By remembering

By baking

By cooking

Because only then I can meet you through memories.

Drilling Holes


Picture: we heart it

We’ve been running through the same circle.
Circle full of pain. Full of numbness. Full of vain.

I want to curse. I want to scream. I want to shout.
All your bullshit words.
Of live. Of love. Of money. Of everything

We’ve been crying through the unshed tears.
Tears full of misery. Full of disappointment. Full of hurt.

I want to curse. I want to scream. I want to shout.
All your shitty role.
About live. About love. About money. About everything.

We’ve been tortured through all the lies.
Lies full of hatred. Full of disgrace. Full of wrath.

I want to curse. I want to scream. I want to shout.
All your fucking perspective.
About live. About love. About money. About everything.

I Feel Ugly

I feel ugly even when I know am not.

That’s motherhood has put me through. Feelig ugly of myself. The beauty of being a mother only last a couple of days for me because I was in to it without help.

Being a mother should make you feel pretty and beautiful. I did. Or I do. I don’t know. I mean when your breast no longer perky and appear saggy no matter the bra you wear or the long tired look that you manage to wear anymote or when the belly at didn’t seem to say goodbye or when you no longer brushing your hair because you thought it pointless to appear pretty even to yourself it’s hard at certain point to look at yourself beautifully. And in my case the mark for having atopy is endless. They mark my foot through my thigh and some area in my hand and arm. It wasn’t this bad when I suffer eczhema but this time it was prurigo that leaves black dots everywhere.

It’s hard to not love myself and continuing telling yourself that you are no longer attractive even to yourself and how do you expect people to look at you. Yeah. But I only love myself for me for a little time. It took me 25 years to finally love myself. Selfishly in love with myself that I didn’t allow others to drag me down in any way and it felt incredible. But then at that time I choosed to marry and marriage just don’t really have too much space for selfishness. So I miss to love myself.

Truthfully I don’t give a damn of what people think how I appear in their eyes but still too many bullies over my skin color put my self-esteem under the big hard rock. I always feel pretty even when people consider my skin was darker than normal people and when my forehead was full on display and even when my hair having its lionest at its best. I always feel pretty because this is me and people just stupid and blind. But that didn’t mean I’ll stand tall for myself when people called me ugly or dark or curly. Yeah I was that kid.

Being a mother put me back to where before I was 25 years old. I The silently-feel-pretty-but-doubting-myself because what people see in me. I want to feel pretty again. I want to love myself again. Merely just for me. So I have that self-esteem again.



Dari jauh aku pandangi kehidupanmu. Kamu dan motormu, Aprillia Shiver-mu. Kegilaanmu memacu adrenalin membuatku mencintaimu. Membayangkanmu mengendarai motormu nafasku berderu. Aku mau jadi motormu.

Mau gila rasanya tau kamu jatuh dan aku jauh dari sisi mu. Aku mau benahi lukamu, bersihkan sekujur tubuhmu dengan peluhku. Kamu buat aku gila.

Jarak membuat kamu bisu. Menggapai jauh direngkuh nyata. Aku yang tak bisa dimiliki dan kamu yang bukan untuk dimiliki.

Dari jauh aku pandangi kehidupanmu. Kamu dan gadis-gadismu, gadis binal mu. Membuat aku cemburu. Buta. Aku mau kamu. Aku mau menorehkan dosa bersama mu.

Sentuh salam lama dari mu menyayat hatiku. Kalau bisa aku terbang ke dunia mu. Supaya kamu berhenti membuat aku gila. Aku mau menjadi milikmu.

Aku mau kamu hanya mengendarai aku dan menari denganku.

Sampai aku lupa dunia ada. Dan bukan untuk kita berdua.

I forgot.

I forgot we once a lover. A couple years ago, and it wasn’t love at the first sight. We met by a chance, you knock on my room thought you’re my roommate. We weren’t. We never talk, only exchange deep gaze everytime we meet in the hall. A meaningful gaze. It was me try to talk to you first. You were shy, so was i. A few words, a few talks. And then you disappear.

It was an “add friend” on facebook. From you, a shy stranger. I approved. We started to send messages, exchanged msn ids, exchanged skype ids, exchanged phone number. We started with a message, to a chat, to a video call, to a text, to a call. Everything to least the distance. From small talks to secret talks to dirty talks. That’s how we became a lover. A love to each other.

We shared moments and started to draw ‘unseen’ future. Become a spouse, a partner of life, husband and wife, a parent of beautiful children, and grow old together. After you started missing without calling. Without texting. Without skyping. Without nothing to tell. I was worried and I was stupid. I dreamed an end. I dreamed you cheated. Until I found out you just busy, with your work, your friends, yourself. I was devastated. A long distance relationship is not for me. Not for you. Not for us. Require a lot of efforts. Understanding. And trust. I was asking too much for having news everyday and you were doing less. I quit.

Anger was filled you. You gone with no words. Not once asking why. Or struggling to get me back. While I was hoping you were. You just stay there. I was crazy. To live without you. And to live far from you. I was in deep heartbreak. In deep cry.

Yesterday we met (again) by chance in the hall. I was alone. You too. We weren’t talk only exchange gaze. It was you try to talk to me. I was shy, so were you. A few words, a few talks. I tried to recall about you and me; through a gaze. There’s just nothing. Time was up. We stopped and we hugged. A goodbye hug. A hug to forgot.

To forgot about you.

About us.


 Why must embarrassed

When we have nothing to show

Yet to hide

When we are not even a couple

More to stranger who like each other crazily

I imagined we sleep together

The three of us

While playing with our own phone

Speak lovely to our spouse

Telling them how much we miss them

And hoping to return home


It Wasn’t Affair, It Was Love

ph: favim

I met you two years ago on summer. Like any other in summer we was in love. Silly summer love. Even when we knew we both no longer alone. Yet love made us like a fool. I worked on summer while you were on holiday. It was novel-like moments. You were my bestfriend’s bestfriend. He wished we were mate but you made me have no faith. We both knew this went nowhere yet love made us like a fool.

We took a risk with our little affair. But it was never an affair, we felt our partner was our affair. We were lovelorn. Talking hours by hours, days by days, weeks by weeks. I never felt to meet someone like him before and he felt the same. I was head over heels and so was he. But never once we touched each other with no reason but in awareness of being respect to each other. It was an emotionally relationship where we didn’t need physical things. We were under each other spell.

28 days the exact moments we were in lovesick. Until you needed to come home. And real world were about to begin. We promised to keep in touch. We did. We isolated ourself from reality from our family from our currently-partner. We lied. I’d stay all night chat with you on facebook or talk to you on skype. There’s nothing we wouldn’t do for each other except one, break off our current relationship.

Hours by hours, days by days, weeks by weeks when we started to back to reality. Our communication gone. I was tired when you called to chat. You were with your girlfriend when I needed to talk. We vaporized.

Last month, after a year, you showed yourself in my front door. You said you weren’t able to forget me. You said you break your girlfriends to be with me. I appalled. After all this year without words he popped out in my door and what-told me to be with him. I was silent. In split second I found his mouth in mine. His savage tongue meet my ferocious tongue, I knew he was in hunger of my kiss. He released me and kissed me and kissed me. He violently kissed me and it made me aroused. I wanted him so badly, I wanted to be beneath him.

I awoke in his chest while he kept holding my waist tightly against him. We talked hours by hours, days by days, weeks by weeks left the reality. Told him I was someone fiancee. He said it was okay and wished me to leave. I was hesitated. but then I did leave. And love made us like a fool.



People might forget but not remember
Or might not forget but not remember
Or might not forget but remember
Or might forget but remember
This is what years did to you

*sometimes I cried because I missed you or because I forget about you or because I remember about your(pain)s but mostly because I want to share to you so I won’t feel lonely*