Category Archives: Love

Memories

It’s been sixteen years
Loong and hollow

There’s day it was unbearable

But then there’s day I hardly remember

Mind is like a mesh

Remember certain things 

And forgot others

I was afraid I’d forget

So I have you everywhere

In pictures

in wall

in wallet

in your old book recipe 

In your handwriting

That’s how I keep you alive

By remembering

By baking

By cooking

Because only then I can meet you through memories.

Drilling Holes

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Picture: we heart it

We’ve been running through the same circle.
Circle full of pain. Full of numbness. Full of vain.

I want to curse. I want to scream. I want to shout.
All your bullshit words.
Of live. Of love. Of money. Of everything

We’ve been crying through the unshed tears.
Tears full of misery. Full of disappointment. Full of hurt.

I want to curse. I want to scream. I want to shout.
All your shitty role.
About live. About love. About money. About everything.

We’ve been tortured through all the lies.
Lies full of hatred. Full of disgrace. Full of wrath.

I want to curse. I want to scream. I want to shout.
All your fucking perspective.
About live. About love. About money. About everything.

I Feel Ugly

I feel ugly even when I know am not.

That’s motherhood has put me through. Feelig ugly of myself. The beauty of being a mother only last a couple of days for me because I was in to it without help.

Being a mother should make you feel pretty and beautiful. I did. Or I do. I don’t know. I mean when your breast no longer perky and appear saggy no matter the bra you wear or the long tired look that you manage to wear anymote or when the belly at didn’t seem to say goodbye or when you no longer brushing your hair because you thought it pointless to appear pretty even to yourself it’s hard at certain point to look at yourself beautifully. And in my case the mark for having atopy is endless. They mark my foot through my thigh and some area in my hand and arm. It wasn’t this bad when I suffer eczhema but this time it was prurigo that leaves black dots everywhere.

It’s hard to not love myself and continuing telling yourself that you are no longer attractive even to yourself and how do you expect people to look at you. Yeah. But I only love myself for me for a little time. It took me 25 years to finally love myself. Selfishly in love with myself that I didn’t allow others to drag me down in any way and it felt incredible. But then at that time I choosed to marry and marriage just don’t really have too much space for selfishness. So I miss to love myself.

Truthfully I don’t give a damn of what people think how I appear in their eyes but still too many bullies over my skin color put my self-esteem under the big hard rock. I always feel pretty even when people consider my skin was darker than normal people and when my forehead was full on display and even when my hair having its lionest at its best. I always feel pretty because this is me and people just stupid and blind. But that didn’t mean I’ll stand tall for myself when people called me ugly or dark or curly. Yeah I was that kid.

Being a mother put me back to where before I was 25 years old. I The silently-feel-pretty-but-doubting-myself because what people see in me. I want to feel pretty again. I want to love myself again. Merely just for me. So I have that self-esteem again.

.cheers.

Tenggelam

Dari jauh aku pandangi kehidupanmu. Kamu dan motormu, Aprillia Shiver-mu. Kegilaanmu memacu adrenalin membuatku mencintaimu. Membayangkanmu mengendarai motormu nafasku berderu. Aku mau jadi motormu.

Mau gila rasanya tau kamu jatuh dan aku jauh dari sisi mu. Aku mau benahi lukamu, bersihkan sekujur tubuhmu dengan peluhku. Kamu buat aku gila.

Jarak membuat kamu bisu. Menggapai jauh direngkuh nyata. Aku yang tak bisa dimiliki dan kamu yang bukan untuk dimiliki.

Dari jauh aku pandangi kehidupanmu. Kamu dan gadis-gadismu, gadis binal mu. Membuat aku cemburu. Buta. Aku mau kamu. Aku mau menorehkan dosa bersama mu.

Sentuh salam lama dari mu menyayat hatiku. Kalau bisa aku terbang ke dunia mu. Supaya kamu berhenti membuat aku gila. Aku mau menjadi milikmu.

Aku mau kamu hanya mengendarai aku dan menari denganku.

Sampai aku lupa dunia ada. Dan bukan untuk kita berdua.

I forgot.

I forgot we once a lover. A couple years ago, and it wasn’t love at the first sight. We met by a chance, you knock on my room thought you’re my roommate. We weren’t. We never talk, only exchange deep gaze everytime we meet in the hall. A meaningful gaze. It was me try to talk to you first. You were shy, so was i. A few words, a few talks. And then you disappear.

It was an “add friend” on facebook. From you, a shy stranger. I approved. We started to send messages, exchanged msn ids, exchanged skype ids, exchanged phone number. We started with a message, to a chat, to a video call, to a text, to a call. Everything to least the distance. From small talks to secret talks to dirty talks. That’s how we became a lover. A love to each other.

We shared moments and started to draw ‘unseen’ future. Become a spouse, a partner of life, husband and wife, a parent of beautiful children, and grow old together. After you started missing without calling. Without texting. Without skyping. Without nothing to tell. I was worried and I was stupid. I dreamed an end. I dreamed you cheated. Until I found out you just busy, with your work, your friends, yourself. I was devastated. A long distance relationship is not for me. Not for you. Not for us. Require a lot of efforts. Understanding. And trust. I was asking too much for having news everyday and you were doing less. I quit.

Anger was filled you. You gone with no words. Not once asking why. Or struggling to get me back. While I was hoping you were. You just stay there. I was crazy. To live without you. And to live far from you. I was in deep heartbreak. In deep cry.

Yesterday we met (again) by chance in the hall. I was alone. You too. We weren’t talk only exchange gaze. It was you try to talk to me. I was shy, so were you. A few words, a few talks. I tried to recall about you and me; through a gaze. There’s just nothing. Time was up. We stopped and we hugged. A goodbye hug. A hug to forgot.

To forgot about you.

About us.

Sandwich

 Why must embarrassed

When we have nothing to show

Yet to hide

When we are not even a couple

More to stranger who like each other crazily

I imagined we sleep together

The three of us

While playing with our own phone

Speak lovely to our spouse

Telling them how much we miss them

And hoping to return home

…………………….

It Wasn’t Affair, It Was Love

ph: favim

I met you two years ago on summer. Like any other in summer we was in love. Silly summer love. Even when we knew we both no longer alone. Yet love made us like a fool. I worked on summer while you were on holiday. It was novel-like moments. You were my bestfriend’s bestfriend. He wished we were mate but you made me have no faith. We both knew this went nowhere yet love made us like a fool.

We took a risk with our little affair. But it was never an affair, we felt our partner was our affair. We were lovelorn. Talking hours by hours, days by days, weeks by weeks. I never felt to meet someone like him before and he felt the same. I was head over heels and so was he. But never once we touched each other with no reason but in awareness of being respect to each other. It was an emotionally relationship where we didn’t need physical things. We were under each other spell.

28 days the exact moments we were in lovesick. Until you needed to come home. And real world were about to begin. We promised to keep in touch. We did. We isolated ourself from reality from our family from our currently-partner. We lied. I’d stay all night chat with you on facebook or talk to you on skype. There’s nothing we wouldn’t do for each other except one, break off our current relationship.

Hours by hours, days by days, weeks by weeks when we started to back to reality. Our communication gone. I was tired when you called to chat. You were with your girlfriend when I needed to talk. We vaporized.

Last month, after a year, you showed yourself in my front door. You said you weren’t able to forget me. You said you break your girlfriends to be with me. I appalled. After all this year without words he popped out in my door and what-told me to be with him. I was silent. In split second I found his mouth in mine. His savage tongue meet my ferocious tongue, I knew he was in hunger of my kiss. He released me and kissed me and kissed me. He violently kissed me and it made me aroused. I wanted him so badly, I wanted to be beneath him.

I awoke in his chest while he kept holding my waist tightly against him. We talked hours by hours, days by days, weeks by weeks left the reality. Told him I was someone fiancee. He said it was okay and wished me to leave. I was hesitated. but then I did leave. And love made us like a fool.

Fading

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People might forget but not remember
Or might not forget but not remember
Or might not forget but remember
Or might forget but remember
This is what years did to you

*sometimes I cried because I missed you or because I forget about you or because I remember about your(pain)s but mostly because I want to share to you so I won’t feel lonely*

What I Learn From Marriage

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I was in a 9-long-year relationship with my now-husband and into 4 year marriage. You might think that our early marriage life would be easy because we had that 9 year. But no and no. Though I knew the good and the bad of my husband, living together under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed wasn’t that easy. Took almost a year for me to be ok with the differences. It was all because communication. We tried our damndest to have a very good communication that perhaps satisfy both sides even in real we fight a lot to achieve that. And here we are enjoying our fruit.

XX Talked about a lot of things XX
My husband is someone I can talk about a lot of things. We talked about a lot of things from something small to something big that make us concern. Including how the way we talk to each other to understand each of us better. I am one with no sweet but a wounded soul and my husband is one with too much sweet and a spolied brat. At first it became an issue for each other but now not so much, my husband knew that he need to sweeten his words to speak to me and I need to be real and no sugarcoat words. Why? Because that’s how it works.

XX To Put ourself in each other shoes XX
We often discuss something that will lead to a hot debate. You want your husband to understand you and vice versa. As an example I was dead tired from work and he asked me to do stuff that he might do while waiting for me from office but spent lounging on a sofa. I simply ask him “what would you do if you’re in my shoes?”We often switch our point of view to understand better of each other feeling. So now it was a matter of looking to each other feeling first about something then we discuss.

XX Accept the difference and don’t expect a change XX
My husband and I are completely different but we complement each other. He likes to talk and I loath talking. He’s a social person and I am more of a loner. He’s a mess and I am super neat. He forget a lot and I never forget. So here comes our role. He deals with people and I deal with stuff. And then we don’t try to change each other (unless it is something come from within). Really you can’t change people who don’t like to socializing to actively socializing or to expect people who forgetful to always remember. Human afterall they full of flaws.

XX Don’t let your spouse be your everything XX
Sure, I love my husband and we said to each other that we put ourself first then kid. But no one person can be your everything. No one person should have to be your everything. That’s a hell of a lot to ask. I learnt this from my parents and my mom passed away.

Well, I guess that’s for now. Do you have something you can sharevthat you learn from your marriage?

.Cheers.