Category Archives: Personal

Regret

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Picture: pinterest

In my life I have a few things that I regret that until today it’s still hurt to remember and see it. I guess I always use my mother passing as an explanation why I did what I did. It is true but I shouldn’t use it every time just to make people understand or to make me feel a slight better. But it was not truly living in my part, I turned into a hollow and shallow and scatterbrained person. It was hard but it was all that made me today.

My biggest regrets are being to focus on my own pain and my own life that I forgot where are my brothers, they lived under the same roof as I am but in about 1 or 2 years in my memories I only remember them once. I didn’t remember if I cared about them. I didn’t remember how are they. I didn’t remember how they went through the same pain as I did. I didn’t remember if I talked to them. And every time I remember those time I feel awful and those pain become very unbearable, I cried. I wish I wasn’t drown in my own self. I didn’t care if I was hurt I was suppose to be there with them to went through the pain. And I am sorry.

My other regrets in my life is having not pursue higher education. There’s so many reason why I didn’t pursue higher education. First and foremost I have a fear of authority figures as a result from many situation that left me with feeling inadequate, embarrassed, humiliated, and judged. It influenced my interaction with people who are older like parents, teachers, lecturers and most of people with authoritative figures so going to school and college is a horror story for me. Where I lived younger people should and must respect older people in any form so I became closed off and not able to speak up my mind to others. Thus made me lost interest in pursuing higher education. My second reason was because I desperately in need of LOVE. For years I focused to feel loved by people and put them in a wrong place to fill up the void that my mom left. Instead to learn to love myself and study I concentrate more to find love. So If I saw friends in social media who went to higher education abroad brings so much regret and pain in me because I always want to study abroad. And they are people I envy the most.

I have one more regrets but I wasn’t ready to share. But through this regrets I try my damnedest to always do the best for me or If I can’t to just always be grateful of what I have today. The grass is always greener on the other side but it’s also greener where you water it. This life is temporary you should fill it with something that will always benefit for yourself and others.

Have you had any regrets you want to share?

 

.Cheers.

 

 

Love Yourself

The title might be the same with Justin Bieber song but, no, I am not gonna sing it for you. And, yes, you probably don’t want to hear me sing a song. I am a distorted-pitch singer lol.

I miss writing and sometimes it’s just not the right moment, not the right topic, not the right time and it’s getting harder and harder with my kid confiscate most of my time. As usual I do social media ‘stalking’, I mean what did you call when you went through your friends posts on facebook or pictures in instagram, that’s what most people do, right? Or it it just me. Let’s just assume it’s just me.

Looking through your friends posts or pictures speak volumes for me because it can learn and read them through what they write or what they take. Sometimes it can bring you whole lots of emotion vary from proud, happy, envy, sad, anger and on but most of the times it just make you doubting yourself and think that the grass is always greener or the other side. That leads me to question what is it the purpose of social media if in the end there’s so much downside on it.

I tried as much as I could to rarely ‘stalking’ people on my facebook or instagram account. Because as much as I love reading people I hate the end of the line where sometimes make me ungrateful of what I have now or who I am. There’s people that like to post picture of their clothes which make me wondering why I can not pull of that kind of clothes. There’s people that like to post picture of food that they eat which for this I never envy because my food is something I am 100% certain so no amount of delicious food could make me envy. But it’s a matter of place where they eat it that sometimes make me envy of why I rarely eat out in a beautiful and quite expensive restaurant. Though I shouldn’t envy because like I said I like certain food so it’s supposed I don’t have to be envy . I guess their ability and opportunity to eat out that I envy because I don’t always have the opportunity or ability to eat out. There’s people who like to checking-in in lots of places mostly if they went on holiday which could make me drool. Holiday is one thing that a must for a sahm but not always have the ability to. There’s people that like to post their beautiful faces which I shouldn’t complain about because you can’t choose to be born with certain beautiful face.

It took 25 years for me to finally love myself including accepting all the flaws that make me, me. I used to have no color and easily influenced by how people dress, how people do, how people work, how people think and it tortured me to fake it just so that I am fit in. The only time where I am really me was or is when I am alone. I didn’t give a damn of what people wear or think. But after being able to love myself I find myself at peace so that no matter what other people do or think or wear I don’t give a damn. And it pained me to see my old self in somebody else. Because it’s painful to not be able to be yourself and to add salt to the wound hearing people generalize thing is just awful.

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.Cheers.

I Feel Ugly

I feel ugly even when I know am not.

That’s motherhood has put me through. Feelig ugly of myself. The beauty of being a mother only last a couple of days for me because I was in to it without help.

Being a mother should make you feel pretty and beautiful. I did. Or I do. I don’t know. I mean when your breast no longer perky and appear saggy no matter the bra you wear or the long tired look that you manage to wear anymote or when the belly at didn’t seem to say goodbye or when you no longer brushing your hair because you thought it pointless to appear pretty even to yourself it’s hard at certain point to look at yourself beautifully. And in my case the mark for having atopy is endless. They mark my foot through my thigh and some area in my hand and arm. It wasn’t this bad when I suffer eczhema but this time it was prurigo that leaves black dots everywhere.

It’s hard to not love myself and continuing telling yourself that you are no longer attractive even to yourself and how do you expect people to look at you. Yeah. But I only love myself for me for a little time. It took me 25 years to finally love myself. Selfishly in love with myself that I didn’t allow others to drag me down in any way and it felt incredible. But then at that time I choosed to marry and marriage just don’t really have too much space for selfishness. So I miss to love myself.

Truthfully I don’t give a damn of what people think how I appear in their eyes but still too many bullies over my skin color put my self-esteem under the big hard rock. I always feel pretty even when people consider my skin was darker than normal people and when my forehead was full on display and even when my hair having its lionest at its best. I always feel pretty because this is me and people just stupid and blind. But that didn’t mean I’ll stand tall for myself when people called me ugly or dark or curly. Yeah I was that kid.

Being a mother put me back to where before I was 25 years old. I The silently-feel-pretty-but-doubting-myself because what people see in me. I want to feel pretty again. I want to love myself again. Merely just for me. So I have that self-esteem again.

.cheers.

Birthday Reminder on Facebook

It’s been years since the last time I put my birth day on private on Facebook. It means that only me that can see my birthday. Most of my friends on facebook automatically made their birthday available for their friends to notice. Therefore you’ll see their birthday reminder on your notifications.

I have my reasons though it seems bizarre but well that’s me. I just want to know how many people that really remember me. My facebook friends mostly weren’t people that close to me mostly were just my school friends that I rarely have deep conversation with and harshly let just say we know by name only. I am an introvert that hardly able to make a lot of relationship so I only have some friends that I allow myself to be close with even then doesnot mean I’ll just open up and spring my heart out. I only have a few for the deep.

The first year it was less than 15 people who really remember me. This year as in today only 2 people that remember my birthday which is my brother (the other 2 forget, how dare them!!😈😈 ) and one of my best friend. As time goes by I didn’t really give a damn by how many birthday wishes that I’ve got. But I can not lie that sometimes it hurts because of my imagination of a friendship wasn’t what I dream about. I used to see pictures or watching movies about friendship that they hang out together or having potluck together discussing vary topic in life.

Partly my fault perhaps because I wasn’t open to people or let them see the real me. Or perhaps I just don’t feel right to open up to my friends. Or perhaps twas just my imagination of a friendship. I don’t know. But surely I was tired of having a friendship that only require effort from my side. Or maybe I shouldn’t account on it. I don’t know. I was hoping I get to know more people that let them in and see the real me. People that also make an effort to have a friendship with me.

Tell me about your friendship with your best friend,, just so I have an insight that friendship is real and not just something I read on books or watch on movies.

Btw,, welcome to the big three-o.
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.Cheers.

Why I Didn’t Gain Weight

Why I didn’t gain weight no matter how hard I try.

Yupe. You read it right. I hardly gain weight. It’s been more than 5 years that my weight stuck in the same number. I was considered thin for a 5’2″ I weight 45 kilos. My ideal weight range between 50 t0 55 and I didn’t use particular chart I was just reading through all the different weight chart and the conclusion. In the end it didn’t matter if I can’t gain even a kilo.

I’ve people talk good and bad stuff about my weight which mostly I didn’t care but sometimes it disturbed me. People thought I didn’t eat or I sick or whatever you want to imagine or perhaps they just jelaous. There’s truth that perhaps people didn’t acknowledge.

First, I inherited my mother and father genetics. She was slim even after having three child she weight 55 kilos for a 5’4″. It happened to all my brothers and mostly most of my family members too they are slender. So folks that’s partly when my slim-ness came from. Lucky me! Yeay…

Second, probably this one was what people didn’t know the most: lifestyle. Some people probably saw me like to eat in a large portions. True. But that time I was consider a ‘cheating day’ for people who on diet. Truthfully I didn’t snack, and if I snack it wasn’t high unhealthy kind of food so no fries no chips no ice cream no chocolate no milkshake no coffee with whipped cream no anything deep-fried. I prefer peanut butter with wheat whole bread or steamed sweet potato as snack to keep my stomach full for quite a long time. I ate 5-6 times a day in moderate portions of food a day with healthy snack in between. I prefer lots of veggie that meat and I didn’t gorge myself on food usually I stop eating before I even feel full.

Third, I moved about quite a lot. I’m an active and kinesthetic kind of person. Laying down and sleeping all day wasn’t my forte. I always find something I want to do that require moving. Yupe, you read it right sometimes I move furniture or redecorating my bedroom or doing a lot of handy stuff at home all by maaaiiiseeeelllf. I prefer looooong walking or biking rather than take a public transportation to go to some place. I used to walk for an hour or so when I was single because I prefer it that way where people maybe find walking as exhausting. Things that people in my country rarely do because they thought the government didn’t provide decent sidewalk. To me as long as I still have two feet to walk I didn’t give a damn care where should I walk.

It seems that I didn’t try hard to gain but what can I say as long as I am healthy, I didn’t really care what people think. Being slender is just a bonus. Even now when I was a mother of one I weight the same as when I was just before pregnant. What even worse is if I tried to skip a meal or two or when I sick and have no appetite then it’ll just lose two to three kilos. It was such a nightmare. You might want to change the way you eat if you want to lose some kilos but for me just love yourself enough to make yourself healthy rather than appear pretty.

Healthy is sexy.

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This is me almost 10 years ago. Nothing changed much.

.Cheers.

 

My LUNGS Are Just Fine!!!

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In a place where I live you don’t always go to doctor if you were sick. There’s a lot of traditional medication that people could go to. Just like with Chinese people where they can drink some sort of herbs mixture to cure an illness. So far I’ve tried one different kind of alternative medication that involve neuron and a little bit of preasure in the right spot that could cause hell of a pain if you have something wrong in some certain part of your body. I think this kind of medication came from China. So the last couple of week I accidently trying a new kind of alternative medication.

A quite the same medication that require neuron and a whole lot of preasure that cause me more pain. The person appear to be religius that he can read through my personality. Not that it suprised me, no I’ve already admit my flaws, so I really don’t need more acknowledgement. But what disturb me the most was his prediction regarding my health. His prediction was that I have something wrong with my lungs that leads to TBC (tubercolosis lung disease) in which I agree because I have asthma in related to my lung problem and not TBC. I’ve went to numerous doctor visit for a mere justification. And then he said that I have to do certain things like stop breastfeeding my 20-months-old kid, drink lemon water, drink carrot and cranberry juice, drink fresh water and eat camel meat (yuuuucck!!).

I, indeed, wasn’t the type of person who like to eat people words as a whole. I need to digest it first then collect some data and, boom, decide what to do. But his words keep messing with my head especially the part that I have to stop breastfeeding my kid (tried it for a day and it cause me more stress than ever). To be honest, I didn’t tell a lot of my family what kind of condition that I suffer from. And even though I told them, they rarely believe it. But I spent years went to doctor just to understand my condition.

I was BORN with allergic that was passed on from either my mom or dad. It makes me sensitive to certain food or environment. Nothing really severe. And along my 30 years of living the last 10 years I’ve been in and out of doctor for numerous kind of illness that cause from my allergic condition. Atopy was something that on and off throughout the years. I’ve got eczema and now in healing process of prurigo (another kind of atopy). The last 2 years I’ve just know that I suffer asthma, illness that I’ve closed my eyes from when I was in college and in denial when I was pregnant. But now, the more often it gets the more I can’t deny. My asthma was to the point that I wasn’t able to do simple things like talking or walking when it was full force. So when the doctor told me that my asthma was another result of my allergic gene then I have nothing to do but to work out. The last thing that I knew to keep me healthy. All doctor that I’ve came accros s told me that I have to: live healthy, eat healthy, no stress, enough sleep and work out. Work out was the only thing that I never do, I mean literally never. And it appear work out was my answer to my asthma condition.

To keep my mind at ease I decide to do medical check up that include thorax rontgen to see if I suffer from TBC. Because the theraphy mister said that if I went to rontgen my thorax, my lung will already full with tbc. So today was the day my medical check up result came out. After discussing the result with the doctor it appears that I have no dangerous illness and something to improve here and there that I didn’t aware of. And I am thankful for that. But leave me with bitter taste in my tongue because I believe unproffesional opiniom get through me. It pissed me off that it messed with my head for full 3 weeks. It made me fooled that I have to spent money for unnecessary medical check up. But I don’t feel sorry to be able to do medical check up so that I can throw it in their face. XD

.cheers.

Fading

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People might forget but not remember
Or might not forget but not remember
Or might not forget but remember
Or might forget but remember
This is what years did to you

*sometimes I cried because I missed you or because I forget about you or because I remember about your(pain)s but mostly because I want to share to you so I won’t feel lonely*

Letting Go

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Picture from here

If you think for one second I was singing Frozen OST you are making fun at me. I sing but terribly so it was for my husband only lol. Nope, this time I want to share my decision to letting go. And be grateful.

My mom passed away when I was 14 thus should make me the ‘subtitution’ of my mom. Meaning I should be more responsible to what left behind. My brothers. But I was not. I was so lost and numb inside. I was so focused on myself only that I didn’t even remember where my brother were whereas we lived in the same house. And I just realize 14 years later and there was night when I cried because I was sorry I was so neglectful. But nobody can’t blame me, I was a kid.

Lots of my life decision was made considering my father and brothers college for example but I am not getting into details. 7 years after my mom passed away I finally able to let her go. And her death makes me even grateful that she didn’t have togo through this life shittiness. The years to come I tried to find myself and to forgive myself for all the bad mistakes I’ve made in my ‘dark’ age. And it all finally come to a closure.

After 10 years I finally able to forgive myself. I can love myself without having to depend of others love. But then I still struggle with the guilt over neglecting my brother. I thought I should be man up. I know no excuse but I was damned at that time. And I was hoping to a redemption. That my life goal was changing into making my brothers happy. So I would do everything to support them.

I was hoping that we would always be in the same way. I expected the same success. The same faith. The same future. The same afterlife. But God forbid me I guess because once I married my life goal wasn’t them anymore. It was hard at first to realize and to admit but then I finally able to let them go.

I thought that we own our own journey. That my brothers own their own journey too. Of how succeed their work life would be. Of how deep their faith to God. Of how happy their life. And each of them might have different definition for all of that. So I let them go and let myself go. That they’re adults and they responsible to their own future and life. But I will always here watching with a hawk-eye and here and there remembering them and praying for the best of them.

Sometimes in life you’ll meet with a moment where you have to let go one or two or even three things in your life. Easy? You wish. Admit it doesn’t mean you’re weak but to me it means you strong. You don’t have to shout it out loud to the world but to yourself. And then try to let ’em go because by letting go you actually being grateful. And That you believe God has His hands on it.

.Cheers.

To Forgive

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Took me 10 years but then I live with peace in heart and breath in relief.

.Cheers.

Grey Movie Review

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I know it’s a bit late of a review while it’s already plenty of review but since this movie was banned from my country then I had to have my own way. I was never a fan of books-turn-movie things especially if the genre is some kind drama with hearts and flowers (unless if it’s consist some action that I can enjoy) so yeah I wasn’t expecting much from this movie. Based on my curiosity over this well-know erotica romance book and Jamie Dornan off course I finally able to finish watching the movie.

My first impression when I watched this movie was badly awkward. Yeah that bad kind of way because I spent myself giggling of embarrassment through out the movie. This is why:

*Book conversation turn dialogue was extremely weird. It’s pretty romantic or dark when it was written in words but sound flat when it was said. I was turning away from the screen continuously as when Christian say “I don’t make love. I fuck, hard,” and “Laters, baby,” or “I’m fifty shades of fucked up”. It ruined all imagination, I guess.

*Some casts were less suitable. It started with Grace Trevelyan-Grey, Katherine Cavanagh, Ethan Grey. It lacks the feel that I got from each character when I was reading the book.

*Jamie and Dakota lack of chemistry. I found that the chemistry was not that ‘bound’ enough. I wasn’t that dreamy looking to the exchange between both of them some suppose to be romantic or dark but they brought it in between.

The second time I watched it with my husband intending to get his point of view from someone who didn’t get to read the book. I got to agree this time that the movie was not that bad. And that was because Jamie and Dakota acting was great despite their lacks of chemistry. Gotta admit I watched this more than a couple times because I like to rehash the story. Dakota made Anastasia Steele more appealing and funny and strong than what the book has. Gone inner goddess. And I swear I saw a better version of Bella Swan in her. As for Jamie he did his best to portray Christian despite the ‘weirdness’ characteristic of Christian, though in the book Christian are millions way more dark than what Jamie portray but he doesn’t appear to be trying.

Not gonna comment a lot on the sex scene but it was considered considerate enough as in the book it was such a boring and repetitive sex scene. Yes, some people view this story as an abusive relationship which I can’t agree more but I choose to be wiser as everything need an example and through this I learn what kind of abusive relationship are. But this movie makes Grey doesn’t come off as abusive except when he lets loose on Anna with with a braided belt. Though she doesn’t safe word.

Well I guess lots of people are that curious about this movie in my country preferably because this was erotica genre. Not something that was talk or discuss or doing openly in public. But to me this books and movie was not all about sex, it was a romance books with just too much repetitive sex scene. That’s and the ‘red room of pain’.I learned a lot through this books about abusive personality, coping mechanism and BDSM (a world I never though exist). But I gotta say this books and movie was NOT a good example of BDSM practice.

The movie run for 125 minutes and comprise about 15 minutes of the film, or less than one-fifth of its 100-minute running time. SO don’t get your high up on the sex scene. I do expect the sequel though because I knew in Fifty Shades Darker it was more twisted and dramatic. But I dunno, hope they write a better screenplay.

.Cheers.