Category Archives: Relationship

Birthday Reminder on Facebook

It’s been years since the last time I put my birth day on private on Facebook. It means that only me that can see my birthday. Most of my friends on facebook automatically made their birthday available for their friends to notice. Therefore you’ll see their birthday reminder on your notifications.

I have my reasons though it seems bizarre but well that’s me. I just want to know how many people that really remember me. My facebook friends mostly weren’t people that close to me mostly were just my school friends that I rarely have deep conversation with and harshly let just say we know by name only. I am an introvert that hardly able to make a lot of relationship so I only have some friends that I allow myself to be close with even then doesnot mean I’ll just open up and spring my heart out. I only have a few for the deep.

The first year it was less than 15 people who really remember me. This year as in today only 2 people that remember my birthday which is my brother (the other 2 forget, how dare them!!😈😈 ) and one of my best friend. As time goes by I didn’t really give a damn by how many birthday wishes that I’ve got. But I can not lie that sometimes it hurts because of my imagination of a friendship wasn’t what I dream about. I used to see pictures or watching movies about friendship that they hang out together or having potluck together discussing vary topic in life.

Partly my fault perhaps because I wasn’t open to people or let them see the real me. Or perhaps I just don’t feel right to open up to my friends. Or perhaps twas just my imagination of a friendship. I don’t know. But surely I was tired of having a friendship that only require effort from my side. Or maybe I shouldn’t account on it. I don’t know. I was hoping I get to know more people that let them in and see the real me. People that also make an effort to have a friendship with me.

Tell me about your friendship with your best friend,, just so I have an insight that friendship is real and not just something I read on books or watch on movies.

Btw,, welcome to the big three-o.
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.Cheers.

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Sandwich

 Why must embarrassed

When we have nothing to show

Yet to hide

When we are not even a couple

More to stranger who like each other crazily

I imagined we sleep together

The three of us

While playing with our own phone

Speak lovely to our spouse

Telling them how much we miss them

And hoping to return home

…………………….

Learn From What You See Not What You Were Told

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Picture from here

If one thing that I can like from meeting people is actually I can learn about the people I encountered with. Thought I was an introvert and being involved in social life was like a torture but I actually like (not always enjoy) meeting with (a lot of) people (to a certain number that won’t cause me headache). I never knew I shockingly have a major interest in learning about people’s behavior. Did that make you label me to have interest in physiology ? Maybe. I didn’t have confident label myself to something that I knew need academic study.

Since I was young I always able to like or dislike people based on instinct even thought I never knew the reason at that moment. And at later time I will witness or find out the reason why. Then I learned how to read people’s body language and define their intention (though nowadays I hardly remember how did I do that). My now-husband was my partner to share about people’s body language or behavior that I someone have. Nowadays it was my now-husband that ‘fill’ me with such information because it was part of his job. But it was DISC Profile that make it easier and faster for me to define one individual. Or define myself in this matter. I didn’t say judge because I wasn’t judging I was analyzing. And I love how the way it works.

Learning people behavior make me less judgemental-not that it means I like to judge,nope, I despise people who judge-but make me more understand myself and then I understand people more. It make me understand why people do what they do. And that’s it. I didn’t pursue or dig any further about the why because it will get you nowhere but headache.

So a moment like these two days where I can meet a lot of people in a social gathering make me thrilled because I can learn about people. About how the reason he/she live on the top of wheel of life or the reason he/she have a spoiled brat, or the reason I became defensive when people start commenting me and my kid life.

If there’s one thing you have to remember: never judge because you never know. behind the closed door.

.Cheers.

What I Learn From Marriage

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I was in a 9-long-year relationship with my now-husband and into 4 year marriage. You might think that our early marriage life would be easy because we had that 9 year. But no and no. Though I knew the good and the bad of my husband, living together under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed wasn’t that easy. Took almost a year for me to be ok with the differences. It was all because communication. We tried our damndest to have a very good communication that perhaps satisfy both sides even in real we fight a lot to achieve that. And here we are enjoying our fruit.

XX Talked about a lot of things XX
My husband is someone I can talk about a lot of things. We talked about a lot of things from something small to something big that make us concern. Including how the way we talk to each other to understand each of us better. I am one with no sweet but a wounded soul and my husband is one with too much sweet and a spolied brat. At first it became an issue for each other but now not so much, my husband knew that he need to sweeten his words to speak to me and I need to be real and no sugarcoat words. Why? Because that’s how it works.

XX To Put ourself in each other shoes XX
We often discuss something that will lead to a hot debate. You want your husband to understand you and vice versa. As an example I was dead tired from work and he asked me to do stuff that he might do while waiting for me from office but spent lounging on a sofa. I simply ask him “what would you do if you’re in my shoes?”We often switch our point of view to understand better of each other feeling. So now it was a matter of looking to each other feeling first about something then we discuss.

XX Accept the difference and don’t expect a change XX
My husband and I are completely different but we complement each other. He likes to talk and I loath talking. He’s a social person and I am more of a loner. He’s a mess and I am super neat. He forget a lot and I never forget. So here comes our role. He deals with people and I deal with stuff. And then we don’t try to change each other (unless it is something come from within). Really you can’t change people who don’t like to socializing to actively socializing or to expect people who forgetful to always remember. Human afterall they full of flaws.

XX Don’t let your spouse be your everything XX
Sure, I love my husband and we said to each other that we put ourself first then kid. But no one person can be your everything. No one person should have to be your everything. That’s a hell of a lot to ask. I learnt this from my parents and my mom passed away.

Well, I guess that’s for now. Do you have something you can sharevthat you learn from your marriage?

.Cheers.

Letting Go

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If you think for one second I was singing Frozen OST you are making fun at me. I sing but terribly so it was for my husband only lol. Nope, this time I want to share my decision to letting go. And be grateful.

My mom passed away when I was 14 thus should make me the ‘subtitution’ of my mom. Meaning I should be more responsible to what left behind. My brothers. But I was not. I was so lost and numb inside. I was so focused on myself only that I didn’t even remember where my brother were whereas we lived in the same house. And I just realize 14 years later and there was night when I cried because I was sorry I was so neglectful. But nobody can’t blame me, I was a kid.

Lots of my life decision was made considering my father and brothers college for example but I am not getting into details. 7 years after my mom passed away I finally able to let her go. And her death makes me even grateful that she didn’t have togo through this life shittiness. The years to come I tried to find myself and to forgive myself for all the bad mistakes I’ve made in my ‘dark’ age. And it all finally come to a closure.

After 10 years I finally able to forgive myself. I can love myself without having to depend of others love. But then I still struggle with the guilt over neglecting my brother. I thought I should be man up. I know no excuse but I was damned at that time. And I was hoping to a redemption. That my life goal was changing into making my brothers happy. So I would do everything to support them.

I was hoping that we would always be in the same way. I expected the same success. The same faith. The same future. The same afterlife. But God forbid me I guess because once I married my life goal wasn’t them anymore. It was hard at first to realize and to admit but then I finally able to let them go.

I thought that we own our own journey. That my brothers own their own journey too. Of how succeed their work life would be. Of how deep their faith to God. Of how happy their life. And each of them might have different definition for all of that. So I let them go and let myself go. That they’re adults and they responsible to their own future and life. But I will always here watching with a hawk-eye and here and there remembering them and praying for the best of them.

Sometimes in life you’ll meet with a moment where you have to let go one or two or even three things in your life. Easy? You wish. Admit it doesn’t mean you’re weak but to me it means you strong. You don’t have to shout it out loud to the world but to yourself. And then try to let ’em go because by letting go you actually being grateful. And That you believe God has His hands on it.

.Cheers.

Mend The Implausible

Link on the pic

I didn’t hate you guys really

And sometimes I spent those times crying

Mourning over our good time together

What happen to you?

What happen to us?

I didn’t know really

What did I do wrong?

What did you do wrong?

I didn’t care

I didn’t give a fucking shit you know

I just want us good

AGAIN

Is it because that dime?

Or is it because that dog?

I don’t know, you know

I don’t even know you, now

And here I am hoping that you’ll do good

Do happy as you wish as you want

As you try to accomplish

And I hope it’s worth the blood.

Talking About People

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Is one thing I avoided the most. Especially if you talk bad about them behind their back. (It’s idiocy when you get caught)

So no, I don’t like talking about people. And that makes me so far away from other people because I guess talking about people is one basic thing in social life. Thus, I don’t have a very good social life, which is true but not entirely.

If people really want to know other people life, I don’t. Not even if it was a good one. Because I was hard to impress. Mostly when you talk about people you talk about their flaws or what they doing now or what they wear or what they just bought or their honeymoon or their divorced or whom they’ve just met or wht they’ve just accomplished all that the nice and not nice things to hear. When it was a bad one they called gossiping,cmiiw. When it was a good one they might as well say showing off, cmiiw. Either one I don’t talk about them or talk to know about them.

I am basically an introvert so I don’t talk and I don’t share my thoughts to people. I even managed to bottle up my dissatisfaction for more that three years to people without so much confrontration, which I loathe. But I do discuss people mostly only with my husband. About what makes them do this and that. Or why they do what they do. Or how I should handle them. But I didn’t like to judge really. Being judge my whole life it was the last thing I want to do. So to talk with me you have to have a very open mind. Which is very hard to find because people tend to think they’re right and other people are wrong.

So a little chit chat was a hard thing to do. Because I didn’t want to know what clothes you just bought. Or what branded clothes your kid wear. Or what kind of car you just bought. Or how big is your house. Or how much money do you make. Or where you go for your vacation. Or how you get scholarship. Or else.

I do sometimes talk about people with people who like to talk about people just to fit in but the truth was I am human. I made mistakes. But in the end it was regret I am feeling in, so not cool.

You know when you point your index finger to people the rest four fingers are pointing at you. It’s better to talk more to yourself rather than talk about people. Perhaps you can convince yourself to pass denial phase of your flaws. Made peace with yourself.

.Cheers.

Unfair

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Should I listen to you
That I better speak
And live in patience
Hard work is a must
Decent is all about
Should I know you
Talking behind my back
That I was not grateful enough
And It’s okay for me to suffer

Should I listen to you
That you praise yours
Where struggle is mild no-no
And should live in luxury
Of comfort
Should I know you
All bark and no bite
That I found amusingly ridiculous
And all words are command

Should I listen to you
That all yours are the best
One with no flaw
All in perfection-fake perfection
And bathing in too much delusion
Should I know you
Present is always present
Past is a present
And future is no where to be found
All is about you and never me

In Between Thoughts

ph: safalniveshak

Where’s there’s good there’s bad. There’s dark there’s light. There’s guilty there’s innocent. There’s black there’s white. There’s right there’s wrong. There’s something in between.

I believe in karma. I believe in what goes around comes around. I believe in what you reap is what you sow. and I believe in God, off course.

My past taught me a lot to never judge people of what happen in people’s life or of what they choose on the choice they make. I know there’s good things and bad things. There’s right doings and there’s wrong doings. There’s guilty and there’s innocent. The good and bad things are knowledge. The right and wrong doings are a choice. The guilt and innocent aren’t my place to judge.

People cheat. People corrupt. People lie. People ignorance. People fake. Women prostitute. Men douchebag. Husband abusive. Wife addict. Child broken.

There are times you witness people you love choose to do wrongs and become so bad. There are times you really want to fix them, advice them and even tell them they’re wrong. Everything happens for reasons. Reasons that most of the time we have no clue about it but we act like we knew everything. We didn’t know what happen in other people life that make them choose to do the wrong things. We didn’t. Yet we feel that we can fix them.

To some broken soul no words can make them turn into light but God. But that’s make it not our battle but their battle. No matter how much you want to change people or make stop of people do the wrong it’s not going to flip like a pancake.

You might questions everything. Question reasons of they wrong doing. But don’t judge because you are no God. and you are no saint.

You might see your loved ones fall into darkness. Fall into what they thinks will help them. You just need to stand there with your arm stretch ready for anytime help just in case they want to crawl back into light.

I used to be judged and I know how bitter that felt.  Ever since no matter how dark someone choose and all the wrong doings they act, I don’t do judge. I might admit what they do is wrong but hell that’s not my life. But I am always ready for giving help. I might admit what they do is wrong but that doesn’t mean I’ll do what they do.

I believe everything happen for reasons. Reasons I never knew. Reasons I never experienced.

.Cheers.

A Letter To The Man Who Think I Have No Manners

Dear The Man Who Think I Have No Manners,

I barely know you. We just happen to meet everyday in more formal rather than informal occasion. But we rarely talk about everything. I rarely asked about how your life is or your family is because I want to keep it professional and because I don’t bother myself to know your life or judge your life. Of how you spend the whole day doing your stuff. Of how you try hard to be a breadwinner. Of how like you talk about anything unnecessary. I don’t because I am busy enough with my life.

But I knew very well that I am easily intimidated, I was that sheet that turn into fire once it’s kindled. Every time you approach my bureau and try to start conversation with me. Actually, I didn’t really want to but I always try to be nice to you by engulfed in our conversation. and you succeed. To make me talk about everything you want me to talk about except about each others life. I talked in with normal words, normal tone, normal intonation for a normal conversation. I did eye contact. I kept my posture formal but relax. To respect myself and to respect you.

Ever since I moved closer to your bureau, as if I had choice, you started to make more and more conversation I never really want. But I kept my composure and just sucked it up. I had piles of paper and I didn’t have time to look to yours. I seemed ignorance but it just how I tuned out my surrounding because no way I would listen to all people blabbering in the same time about lots of stuff. I wanted to feel some privacy even in packed small place, and that’s how I create privacy for other. I wanted to keep it like that.

Until you started comment everything I did or do. Even worst, it’s not something I did or do to you, man. Did I do something wrong? Did I talk bad with you? Or did I disrespect you? That you have to told me that I have no manners in front of other people.

Excuse me, you’re the one that has no manners. How is it you brazenly jump into my conversation with my inferior and start give what’s good or not to do? How is it I am the one with no manner because of that? How is it you eavesdropping my conversation in the telephone with my best-friend? How is it I am the one with no manner because the choice of words and tone I use to talk with my best-friend? How dare you labeled me as someone with no courteous?

How could you think that you are more civilize that I am? We might be in the same level in the structure but we are definitely different. I never thought that I was even better from you, not even a glimpse in me because I know well that every person in the world is different. That explain a lot more than what your brain can possibly process. There, the way we talk and deal with other people are different. Each person has their own way.

I have my own way to talk with people or deal with people. So what you witness is my way of dealing with people, my way of communicate with people.  If I want to ask my inferior to deliver a letter to lower level instead of myself is my choice, it is my way to deal with people. And If I want to talk with my best-friend with my choice of words my choice of intonation, it’s my way to talk to my best-friend. And why is that you the one who said I have no courteous manner while my best-friend said nothing. Nothing.

So who you are dude that you have a right to commentate the way I deal and talk with people? Don’t try to teach me how to deal or talk with people because I never give a shit about the way you deal or talk to people.

Man, if you have a lot of spare time to observe about how I deal or talk to people. You should do a lot of reflection and if you can’t think any idea how, I’ll help you. I’ll help you buy a huge mirror so that you can look clearly of yourself.

So you to know man, I am not good with words and thus I like being alone and in silence. It’s actually me being nice. Because my best-friends who you think the way I talk to them is in no manners knows me better with what I am dealing.

Dude, you’re a man so behave like one. If you can’t, just get a life! or get laid.

Love,

EH.