Category Archives: Relationship

I Don’t Know

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2 a.m

I woke up with an urge to look through

Scrolling to the name I knew

The name I marked a long time before

Because it was a nickname

(no one gives nickname unless it’s something)

With secretive dub and deleted messages


It was what it was

That kill my curiosity

It was the answer to my leery




The day you were not in my bed

Distance was what lay ahead

We texted we called we facetimed

Finished with a promise to meet in the dream

Just before nine

But I found you woke up until almost midnight

And it all start just before nine

It’s an end to one and a start with another one



8.45 p.m

It started with a question about work

With a little bit of affection

Then it was answered with another flirtation

When it should be about about job

There was much good-natured banter

That was started with you

Asking her facebook

Asking her instagram

Asking her what she was doing in saturday night

To addressing her being busy

To waiting her going home

To letting you know if she was home

To commenting her being home late

To asking what she was going to do once home

To hoping you will have longer word to exchange

Or to hoping you will call her or facetime her

I don’t know

It might be deleted or it might never happen

But It was finished with a good night



11.45 p.m

The nickname girl, I named her

A girl who has no face

A girl who’s on my list

A girl I bet is younger than mine

Who has the audicity to play a game

A hard-to-get game

That was so challenging to conquer

I was so aghast

Battling to keep my sanity at bay

Struggling to give the benefit of the doubt

While killing myself in jealousy

Perhaps he was a flirt

Perhaps she was testing the water

Perhaps I was hurt

I don’t know

Or may be he didn’t know

Or may be she didn’t know either



I don’t know.



I knew you can but

You choose you can not

To me

But you can to others

With no strings attached

To come and go

As you wish

As you filled yours and

You filled hers

I knew you don’t mind

But you do

To me

But you don’t to others

Being a superhero they need

Being there when you are not suppose to

I knew you are willing

But you are not

To me

But you are to others

Listening to thousand of meaningless words

Just because they are lonely

And so are you

And so am I

I feel like a mistake you constantly make

Dear Rain


I’ve missed you. It’s been so long since I can enjoy you. Will you be my ear? Listening to the sound of my mind, to the beat of my pain, to the sorrow of my heart. I’ve been dreaming. Dreaming about all the things that made my heart ache. Dreaming about the thrills of his touch. Dreaming about the presence of his body. Dreaming about the butterfly of his willingness to keep me close. Dreaming about my despair of vengeance. But it was all just dream. A dream on repeat. A dream, a fruitage of my misery. I want to keep dreaming. So I could have what he had. I want to keep dreaming. So I could happy as he was. I want to keep dreaming. So I could hurt less. 

Dear Rain, will you help me? Washed away all my doubts and worries. Cleansed all my hatred and grudge. Wipe out all my memories and my premonition. 

Let me dream something sweet.

What Do I Do?


Love, what do I do now? I am sitting in the dark don’t know what to do. Listening to the sound of waterfall. My heart heavy. My head hurts. I want to sleep but my mind keep racing a hundred laps. I am wondering what do I do wrong. I am wondering what should I do. Should I live or should I die. Should I trust or should I not.  I feel lonely. I feel broken. No amount of words could repair what my heart went through. I want to run. I want to flee. No amount of miles could help me collect all the broken pieces. I mourn. I repent. Of the kind of roller coaster I must ride. Tell me love, what do I do now? Cause everything seems wrong. I should not be hurt. I should not feel broken. I should not feel betrayed. I should trust. I should not care too much. While I wanna do just love. While I wanna do is trust. While I wanna do just happy. While I wanna do is growing old with you. Tell me love, what do I do now? Tell me love, what do I have to do to rebuild trust when it’s already broken? Tell me love, what do I have to do to believe everything you said is true? Tell me love, what do I do to heal?

A Part Of


Part of me believe you. Part of me live in a fear you would betray me (again). My mind stay with logic. My heart stay in doubt always on guard ready for panic attack and terrified for another break. Last storm gave me some kind of revelation that your happiness matter more than I realize. That I can’t stand watch you in pain that I willing to experience pain just for you. Part of me want to give up. Part of me want to fight and move on. Part of me want my own happiness. Part of me want you as my happiness. I want more. More of this. More of that. More of everything. But you still battle your own battle. Battle you must face. Battle you must fight on. Part of me want to stay. Part of me want to flee. 

Painful Memories


The bad outweight the good ones. That’s what 7 years of pain of betrayal of distrust do to you. The pain will always be there peeking from time to time. Remembering me the taste of betrayal. Of you of those girls. The distrust will always be there gnawing from time to time. Remembering me the taste of being lied to. Of you of those girls. You might feel pain because I lied. One big lie that I finally able to see you in the eye and admit it. They might feel pain because simply you just didn’t want them. But I got to feel the pain that destroy all my self-worth. You and those girls did that to me. You and those girls knew all along I was exist but still. Now I lived with all the glorious detail of your lovemaking that keep scratching my mind from time to time. That make me wondering what did I do to deserve the unbearable pain. 7 years of living in constant feeling of being worthless. 7 years of feeling that I never be enough. 7 years living like a fool. I didn’t deserve this. I hope karma find its ways to you and the girls. Especially the girls. 

Fifty Shades 

Picture : we heart it

I knew you as a friendly human. Who loves me at first sight. Who used to cherish me when I was not. I never saw you as a beautiful creature. But I get to feel your beauty within.

I knew you as you who worship God. Who loves to do the right things. Who used to correct me when I was wrong. I never saw you as someone who love to put on a mask. But I feel all your darkness hiding within.

I knew you as someone who would value love. Who goes extra miles to make a point. Who used to look at only me even when I am not. I never saw you as a man who need recognition. But I feel all the pain you caused. 

I knew you as a devoted man. Who value the art of working. Who used to beg for everything went well. I never saw you as a nuisance. But I get to deal with all the baggage while I still have mine.

Birthday Reminder on Facebook

It’s been years since the last time I put my birth day on private on Facebook. It means that only me that can see my birthday. Most of my friends on facebook automatically made their birthday available for their friends to notice. Therefore you’ll see their birthday reminder on your notifications.

I have my reasons though it seems bizarre but well that’s me. I just want to know how many people that really remember me. My facebook friends mostly weren’t people that close to me mostly were just my school friends that I rarely have deep conversation with and harshly let just say we know by name only. I am an introvert that hardly able to make a lot of relationship so I only have some friends that I allow myself to be close with even then doesnot mean I’ll just open up and spring my heart out. I only have a few for the deep.

The first year it was less than 15 people who really remember me. This year as in today only 2 people that remember my birthday which is my brother (the other 2 forget, how dare them!!😈😈 ) and one of my best friend. As time goes by I didn’t really give a damn by how many birthday wishes that I’ve got. But I can not lie that sometimes it hurts because of my imagination of a friendship wasn’t what I dream about. I used to see pictures or watching movies about friendship that they hang out together or having potluck together discussing vary topic in life.

Partly my fault perhaps because I wasn’t open to people or let them see the real me. Or perhaps I just don’t feel right to open up to my friends. Or perhaps twas just my imagination of a friendship. I don’t know. But surely I was tired of having a friendship that only require effort from my side. Or maybe I shouldn’t account on it. I don’t know. I was hoping I get to know more people that let them in and see the real me. People that also make an effort to have a friendship with me.

Tell me about your friendship with your best friend,, just so I have an insight that friendship is real and not just something I read on books or watch on movies.

Btw,, welcome to the big three-o.



 Why must embarrassed

When we have nothing to show

Yet to hide

When we are not even a couple

More to stranger who like each other crazily

I imagined we sleep together

The three of us

While playing with our own phone

Speak lovely to our spouse

Telling them how much we miss them

And hoping to return home


Learn From What You See Not What You Were Told


Picture from here

If one thing that I can like from meeting people is actually I can learn about the people I encountered with. Thought I was an introvert and being involved in social life was like a torture but I actually like (not always enjoy) meeting with (a lot of) people (to a certain number that won’t cause me headache). I never knew I shockingly have a major interest in learning about people’s behavior. Did that make you label me to have interest in physiology ? Maybe. I didn’t have confident label myself to something that I knew need academic study.

Since I was young I always able to like or dislike people based on instinct even thought I never knew the reason at that moment. And at later time I will witness or find out the reason why. Then I learned how to read people’s body language and define their intention (though nowadays I hardly remember how did I do that). My now-husband was my partner to share about people’s body language or behavior that I someone have. Nowadays it was my now-husband that ‘fill’ me with such information because it was part of his job. But it was DISC Profile that make it easier and faster for me to define one individual. Or define myself in this matter. I didn’t say judge because I wasn’t judging I was analyzing. And I love how the way it works.

Learning people behavior make me less judgemental-not that it means I like to judge,nope, I despise people who judge-but make me more understand myself and then I understand people more. It make me understand why people do what they do. And that’s it. I didn’t pursue or dig any further about the why because it will get you nowhere but headache.

So a moment like these two days where I can meet a lot of people in a social gathering make me thrilled because I can learn about people. About how the reason he/she live on the top of wheel of life or the reason he/she have a spoiled brat, or the reason I became defensive when people start commenting me and my kid life.

If there’s one thing you have to remember: never judge because you never know. behind the closed door.