I’ve missed you. It’s been so long since I can enjoy you. Will you be my ear? Listening to the sound of my mind, to the beat of my pain, to the sorrow of my heart. I’ve been dreaming. Dreaming about all the things that made my heart ache. Dreaming about the thrills of his touch. Dreaming about the presence of his body. Dreaming about the butterfly of his willingness to keep me close. Dreaming about my despair of vengeance. But it was all just dream. A dream on repeat. A dream, a fruitage of my misery. I want to keep dreaming. So I could have what he had. I want to keep dreaming. So I could happy as he was. I want to keep dreaming. So I could hurt less.
Dear Rain, will you help me? Washed away all my doubts and worries. Cleansed all my hatred and grudge. Wipe out all my memories and my premonition.
Let me dream something sweet.
Love, what do I do now? I am sitting in the dark don’t know what to do. Listening to the sound of waterfall. My heart heavy. My head hurts. I want to sleep but my mind keep racing a hundred laps. I am wondering what do I do wrong. I am wondering what should I do. Should I live or should I die. Should I trust or should I not. I feel lonely. I feel broken. No amount of words could repair what my heart went through. I want to run. I want to flee. No amount of miles could help me collect all the broken pieces. I mourn. I repent. Of the kind of roller coaster I must ride. Tell me love, what do I do now? Cause everything seems wrong. I should not be hurt. I should not feel broken. I should not feel betrayed. I should trust. I should not care too much. While I wanna do just love. While I wanna do is trust. While I wanna do just happy. While I wanna do is growing old with you. Tell me love, what do I do now? Tell me love, what do I have to do to rebuild trust when it’s already broken? Tell me love, what do I have to do to believe everything you said is true? Tell me love, what do I do to heal?
Part of me believe you. Part of me live in a fear you would betray me (again). My mind stay with logic. My heart stay in doubt always on guard ready for panic attack and terrified for another break. Last storm gave me some kind of revelation that your happiness matter more than I realize. That I can’t stand watch you in pain that I willing to experience pain just for you. Part of me want to give up. Part of me want to fight and move on. Part of me want my own happiness. Part of me want you as my happiness. I want more. More of this. More of that. More of everything. But you still battle your own battle. Battle you must face. Battle you must fight on. Part of me want to stay. Part of me want to flee.
The bad outweight the good ones. That’s what 7 years of pain of betrayal of distrust do to you. The pain will always be there peeking from time to time. Remembering me the taste of betrayal. Of you of those girls. The distrust will always be there gnawing from time to time. Remembering me the taste of being lied to. Of you of those girls. You might feel pain because I lied. One big lie that I finally able to see you in the eye and admit it. They might feel pain because simply you just didn’t want them. But I got to feel the pain that destroy all my self-worth. You and those girls did that to me. You and those girls knew all along I was exist but still. Now I lived with all the glorious detail of your lovemaking that keep scratching my mind from time to time. That make me wondering what did I do to deserve the unbearable pain. 7 years of living in constant feeling of being worthless. 7 years of feeling that I never be enough. 7 years living like a fool. I didn’t deserve this. I hope karma find its ways to you and the girls. Especially the girls.
Picture : we heart it
I knew you as a friendly human. Who loves me at first sight. Who used to cherish me when I was not. I never saw you as a beautiful creature. But I get to feel your beauty within.
I knew you as you who worship God. Who loves to do the right things. Who used to correct me when I was wrong. I never saw you as someone who love to put on a mask. But I feel all your darkness hiding within.
I knew you as someone who would value love. Who goes extra miles to make a point. Who used to look at only me even when I am not. I never saw you as a man who need recognition. But I feel all the pain you caused.
I knew you as a devoted man. Who value the art of working. Who used to beg for everything went well. I never saw you as a nuisance. But I get to deal with all the baggage while I still have mine.
It’s been years since the last time I put my birth day on private on Facebook. It means that only me that can see my birthday. Most of my friends on facebook automatically made their birthday available for their friends to notice. Therefore you’ll see their birthday reminder on your notifications.
I have my reasons though it seems bizarre but well that’s me. I just want to know how many people that really remember me. My facebook friends mostly weren’t people that close to me mostly were just my school friends that I rarely have deep conversation with and harshly let just say we know by name only. I am an introvert that hardly able to make a lot of relationship so I only have some friends that I allow myself to be close with even then doesnot mean I’ll just open up and spring my heart out. I only have a few for the deep.
The first year it was less than 15 people who really remember me. This year as in today only 2 people that remember my birthday which is my brother (the other 2 forget, how dare them!!😈😈 ) and one of my best friend. As time goes by I didn’t really give a damn by how many birthday wishes that I’ve got. But I can not lie that sometimes it hurts because of my imagination of a friendship wasn’t what I dream about. I used to see pictures or watching movies about friendship that they hang out together or having potluck together discussing vary topic in life.
Partly my fault perhaps because I wasn’t open to people or let them see the real me. Or perhaps I just don’t feel right to open up to my friends. Or perhaps twas just my imagination of a friendship. I don’t know. But surely I was tired of having a friendship that only require effort from my side. Or maybe I shouldn’t account on it. I don’t know. I was hoping I get to know more people that let them in and see the real me. People that also make an effort to have a friendship with me.
Tell me about your friendship with your best friend,, just so I have an insight that friendship is real and not just something I read on books or watch on movies.
Btw,, welcome to the big three-o.
Picture from here
If one thing that I can like from meeting people is actually I can learn about the people I encountered with. Thought I was an introvert and being involved in social life was like a torture but I actually like (not always enjoy) meeting with (a lot of) people (to a certain number that won’t cause me headache). I never knew I shockingly have a major interest in learning about people’s behavior. Did that make you label me to have interest in physiology ? Maybe. I didn’t have confident label myself to something that I knew need academic study.
Since I was young I always able to like or dislike people based on instinct even thought I never knew the reason at that moment. And at later time I will witness or find out the reason why. Then I learned how to read people’s body language and define their intention (though nowadays I hardly remember how did I do that). My now-husband was my partner to share about people’s body language or behavior that I someone have. Nowadays it was my now-husband that ‘fill’ me with such information because it was part of his job. But it was DISC Profile that make it easier and faster for me to define one individual. Or define myself in this matter. I didn’t say judge because I wasn’t judging I was analyzing. And I love how the way it works.
Learning people behavior make me less judgemental-not that it means I like to judge,nope, I despise people who judge-but make me more understand myself and then I understand people more. It make me understand why people do what they do. And that’s it. I didn’t pursue or dig any further about the why because it will get you nowhere but headache.
So a moment like these two days where I can meet a lot of people in a social gathering make me thrilled because I can learn about people. About how the reason he/she live on the top of wheel of life or the reason he/she have a spoiled brat, or the reason I became defensive when people start commenting me and my kid life.
If there’s one thing you have to remember: never judge because you never know. behind the closed door.
I was in a 9-long-year relationship with my now-husband and into 4 year marriage. You might think that our early marriage life would be easy because we had that 9 year. But no and no. Though I knew the good and the bad of my husband, living together under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed wasn’t that easy. Took almost a year for me to be ok with the differences. It was all because communication. We tried our damndest to have a very good communication that perhaps satisfy both sides even in real we fight a lot to achieve that. And here we are enjoying our fruit.
XX Talked about a lot of things XX
My husband is someone I can talk about a lot of things. We talked about a lot of things from something small to something big that make us concern. Including how the way we talk to each other to understand each of us better. I am one with no sweet but a wounded soul and my husband is one with too much sweet and a spolied brat. At first it became an issue for each other but now not so much, my husband knew that he need to sweeten his words to speak to me and I need to be real and no sugarcoat words. Why? Because that’s how it works.
XX To Put ourself in each other shoes XX
We often discuss something that will lead to a hot debate. You want your husband to understand you and vice versa. As an example I was dead tired from work and he asked me to do stuff that he might do while waiting for me from office but spent lounging on a sofa. I simply ask him “what would you do if you’re in my shoes?”We often switch our point of view to understand better of each other feeling. So now it was a matter of looking to each other feeling first about something then we discuss.
XX Accept the difference and don’t expect a change XX
My husband and I are completely different but we complement each other. He likes to talk and I loath talking. He’s a social person and I am more of a loner. He’s a mess and I am super neat. He forget a lot and I never forget. So here comes our role. He deals with people and I deal with stuff. And then we don’t try to change each other (unless it is something come from within). Really you can’t change people who don’t like to socializing to actively socializing or to expect people who forgetful to always remember. Human afterall they full of flaws.
XX Don’t let your spouse be your everything XX
Sure, I love my husband and we said to each other that we put ourself first then kid. But no one person can be your everything. No one person should have to be your everything. That’s a hell of a lot to ask. I learnt this from my parents and my mom passed away.
Well, I guess that’s for now. Do you have something you can sharevthat you learn from your marriage?
Picture from here
If you think for one second I was singing Frozen OST you are making fun at me. I sing but terribly so it was for my husband only lol. Nope, this time I want to share my decision to letting go. And be grateful.
My mom passed away when I was 14 thus should make me the ‘subtitution’ of my mom. Meaning I should be more responsible to what left behind. My brothers. But I was not. I was so lost and numb inside. I was so focused on myself only that I didn’t even remember where my brother were whereas we lived in the same house. And I just realize 14 years later and there was night when I cried because I was sorry I was so neglectful. But nobody can’t blame me, I was a kid.
Lots of my life decision was made considering my father and brothers college for example but I am not getting into details. 7 years after my mom passed away I finally able to let her go. And her death makes me even grateful that she didn’t have togo through this life shittiness. The years to come I tried to find myself and to forgive myself for all the bad mistakes I’ve made in my ‘dark’ age. And it all finally come to a closure.
After 10 years I finally able to forgive myself. I can love myself without having to depend of others love. But then I still struggle with the guilt over neglecting my brother. I thought I should be man up. I know no excuse but I was damned at that time. And I was hoping to a redemption. That my life goal was changing into making my brothers happy. So I would do everything to support them.
I was hoping that we would always be in the same way. I expected the same success. The same faith. The same future. The same afterlife. But God forbid me I guess because once I married my life goal wasn’t them anymore. It was hard at first to realize and to admit but then I finally able to let them go.
I thought that we own our own journey. That my brothers own their own journey too. Of how succeed their work life would be. Of how deep their faith to God. Of how happy their life. And each of them might have different definition for all of that. So I let them go and let myself go. That they’re adults and they responsible to their own future and life. But I will always here watching with a hawk-eye and here and there remembering them and praying for the best of them.
Sometimes in life you’ll meet with a moment where you have to let go one or two or even three things in your life. Easy? You wish. Admit it doesn’t mean you’re weak but to me it means you strong. You don’t have to shout it out loud to the world but to yourself. And then try to let ’em go because by letting go you actually being grateful. And That you believe God has His hands on it.