Category Archives: Say It Out Loud

Shameless

You know in this life you will come accross with brazen-faced people. People who thinks it’s okay to keep contacting a married man everyday just for asking simple stuff like:

“Where are you?” 

“What are you doing?”

“Have a good day”

“Have a good presentation”

“What time are you going home?”

“Are you home already?”

“Let’s have some lunch/dinner”

“Let’s go home together”

“Let’s take a stroll at the mall”

“Why can’t I contact you?” 

It may look like a simple question. But if you happen to do it to a man who is not your husband and doing it like (almost) everyday without your husband knowing (read: in secret) with lame excuse “for work” or “we’re just friends”, dude you need to check your brain for it. Listen woman, if you interested in being ‘friends’ with a married man and makes NO effort to be friends with his wife or told your husband you are up to NO good. Friends, don’t take a married man went home together knowing his wife waiting for him at home, take your OWN man home. No matter how many hints there goes, the brazen-faced will always stay shameless. Such a shame.

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What Do I Do?

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Love, what do I do now? I am sitting in the dark don’t know what to do. Listening to the sound of waterfall. My heart heavy. My head hurts. I want to sleep but my mind keep racing a hundred laps. I am wondering what do I do wrong. I am wondering what should I do. Should I live or should I die. Should I trust or should I not.  I feel lonely. I feel broken. No amount of words could repair what my heart went through. I want to run. I want to flee. No amount of miles could help me collect all the broken pieces. I mourn. I repent. Of the kind of roller coaster I must ride. Tell me love, what do I do now? Cause everything seems wrong. I should not be hurt. I should not feel broken. I should not feel betrayed. I should trust. I should not care too much. While I wanna do just love. While I wanna do is trust. While I wanna do just happy. While I wanna do is growing old with you. Tell me love, what do I do now? Tell me love, what do I have to do to rebuild trust when it’s already broken? Tell me love, what do I have to do to believe everything you said is true? Tell me love, what do I do to heal?

A Part Of

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Part of me believe you. Part of me live in a fear you would betray me (again). My mind stay with logic. My heart stay in doubt always on guard ready for panic attack and terrified for another break. Last storm gave me some kind of revelation that your happiness matter more than I realize. That I can’t stand watch you in pain that I willing to experience pain just for you. Part of me want to give up. Part of me want to fight and move on. Part of me want my own happiness. Part of me want you as my happiness. I want more. More of this. More of that. More of everything. But you still battle your own battle. Battle you must face. Battle you must fight on. Part of me want to stay. Part of me want to flee. 

Painful Memories

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The bad outweight the good ones. That’s what 7 years of pain of betrayal of distrust do to you. The pain will always be there peeking from time to time. Remembering me the taste of betrayal. Of you of those girls. The distrust will always be there gnawing from time to time. Remembering me the taste of being lied to. Of you of those girls. You might feel pain because I lied. One big lie that I finally able to see you in the eye and admit it. They might feel pain because simply you just didn’t want them. But I got to feel the pain that destroy all my self-worth. You and those girls did that to me. You and those girls knew all along I was exist but still. Now I lived with all the glorious detail of your lovemaking that keep scratching my mind from time to time. That make me wondering what did I do to deserve the unbearable pain. 7 years of living in constant feeling of being worthless. 7 years of feeling that I never be enough. 7 years living like a fool. I didn’t deserve this. I hope karma find its ways to you and the girls. Especially the girls. 

F e t s i t e F

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It’s been too long. Gnawing at my soul. My mind. My heart. The picture where I want to smash your head to the wall. But I get to kill you in my head too many times too many years. I hate you so much. Your name itself is so repugnant. So I called you voldemort for so long. But I guess you understand where my hate came from. It came from you. It came because of you. It came for you. I never thought you can be so low. I hate you because you knew he was mine yet you still make a move. I hate you because I can’t hate him yet you make me hate him. I hate you because you and him fucking lie in my face while I knew the truth. You must think that I am stupid and blind. I hate you because you and are a fucking coward for rubbing your happiness in my face. I hate you because you and him broke me caused me so much pain so you both can consume your love. I hate you because you fucking volunteer to be second. I hate you because you and him are the sam, a liar, a cheater. I hate you because you make me feel inadequate with all your lovemaking. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. You might have what I didn’t have but that didn’t justify your action toward me. I hope you pay. For all my tears. For all my pain. For all my broken heart. 

A n d a g l e a m

You are safe for now

Or not

You think I didn’t know 

But I know

You think you are innocence

But are you?

You think I will stay silent

But I will not

You think all you did is nothing

But is it?
You think those phone calls you make were ok

But are those?

You think low of your spouse and his 

Are you?

You think those late night dinner were for work

Really?

You think those night stroll were being friendly

Seriously?

You are safe for now

Or not

You think I didn’t know 

But I know

You think you are innocence

But are you?

You think I will stay silent

But I will not

You think all you did is nothing

But is it?

Fifty Shades 

Picture : we heart it

I knew you as a friendly human. Who loves me at first sight. Who used to cherish me when I was not. I never saw you as a beautiful creature. But I get to feel your beauty within.

I knew you as you who worship God. Who loves to do the right things. Who used to correct me when I was wrong. I never saw you as someone who love to put on a mask. But I feel all your darkness hiding within.

I knew you as someone who would value love. Who goes extra miles to make a point. Who used to look at only me even when I am not. I never saw you as a man who need recognition. But I feel all the pain you caused. 

I knew you as a devoted man. Who value the art of working. Who used to beg for everything went well. I never saw you as a nuisance. But I get to deal with all the baggage while I still have mine.

Setitik Malu

picture : helene delmaire painting

Aku pikir karena dia juga seorang wanita Dia akan mengerti pentingnya menjaga harga diri

Aku pikir karena dia juga seorang istri Dia akan mengerti pentingnya kejujuran dalam sebuah hubungan

Aku pikir karena dia juga seorang ibu Dia akan mengerti pentingnya memberi contoh tentang kebahagiaan tanpa merusak kebahagiaan orang lain

Aku pikir karena dia juga seorang manusia Dia akan memiliki setitik malu untuk mengajak lebih dulu.

Tapi ah sudahlah…

Cibubur Junction. Oct 26, 2017. Taxi 09.32 pm.

Lost.

In your own mind

Never had the courage to be brave

I was not even the hardest person to talk to

You are.

Birthday Reminder on Facebook

It’s been years since the last time I put my birth day on private on Facebook. It means that only me that can see my birthday. Most of my friends on facebook automatically made their birthday available for their friends to notice. Therefore you’ll see their birthday reminder on your notifications.

I have my reasons though it seems bizarre but well that’s me. I just want to know how many people that really remember me. My facebook friends mostly weren’t people that close to me mostly were just my school friends that I rarely have deep conversation with and harshly let just say we know by name only. I am an introvert that hardly able to make a lot of relationship so I only have some friends that I allow myself to be close with even then doesnot mean I’ll just open up and spring my heart out. I only have a few for the deep.

The first year it was less than 15 people who really remember me. This year as in today only 2 people that remember my birthday which is my brother (the other 2 forget, how dare them!!😈😈 ) and one of my best friend. As time goes by I didn’t really give a damn by how many birthday wishes that I’ve got. But I can not lie that sometimes it hurts because of my imagination of a friendship wasn’t what I dream about. I used to see pictures or watching movies about friendship that they hang out together or having potluck together discussing vary topic in life.

Partly my fault perhaps because I wasn’t open to people or let them see the real me. Or perhaps I just don’t feel right to open up to my friends. Or perhaps twas just my imagination of a friendship. I don’t know. But surely I was tired of having a friendship that only require effort from my side. Or maybe I shouldn’t account on it. I don’t know. I was hoping I get to know more people that let them in and see the real me. People that also make an effort to have a friendship with me.

Tell me about your friendship with your best friend,, just so I have an insight that friendship is real and not just something I read on books or watch on movies.

Btw,, welcome to the big three-o.
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.Cheers.