Picture : we heart it

I was jealous and I felt small.
On a day I ask you to do me like you used to do others. So I could feel loved when you worshipped me. Every inch of me. With all the sweat. With all the moan and groan. 

On a day I ask you to do me like you used to do others. I hate myself for being inadequate. That I was not enough. That I am not enough. That I will never enough. Never. 
I was content but I felt cheap.


Fifty Shades 

Picture : we heart it

I knew you as a friendly human. Who loves me at first sight. Who used to cherish me when I was not. I never saw you as a beautiful creature. But I get to feel your beauty within.

I knew you as you who worship God. Who loves to do the right things. Who used to correct me when I was wrong. I never saw you as someone who love to put on a mask. But I feel all your darkness hiding within.

I knew you as someone who would value love. Who goes extra miles to make a point. Who used to look at only me even when I am not. I never saw you as a man who need recognition. But I feel all the pain you caused. 

I knew you as a devoted man. Who value the art of working. Who used to beg for everything went well. I never saw you as a nuisance. But I get to deal with all the baggage while I still have mine.

Setitik Malu

picture : helene delmaire painting

Aku pikir karena dia juga seorang wanita Dia akan mengerti pentingnya menjaga harga diri

Aku pikir karena dia juga seorang istri Dia akan mengerti pentingnya kejujuran dalam sebuah hubungan

Aku pikir karena dia juga seorang ibu Dia akan mengerti pentingnya memberi contoh tentang kebahagiaan tanpa merusak kebahagiaan orang lain

Aku pikir karena dia juga seorang manusia Dia akan memiliki setitik malu untuk mengajak lebih dulu.

Tapi ah sudahlah…

Cibubur Junction. Oct 26, 2017. Taxi 09.32 pm.


In your own mind

Never had the courage to be brave

I was not even the hardest person to talk to

You are.


Your love is
Your word is
Your action does

What would be left?
A broken heart
A wounded soul
and A damage faith

What would be need?
What would it be?

Perhaps you too are.


To him

She represent the moon
A sweet, kind, smart and shy girl
That he never can escape
Long talks long nights
Shimmering in her light
To keep company
And never will leave someone who truly loves

To her

She represent darkness
A bubbly, delude, liar and thick-faced girl
That she never can forget
Long chats long deceit
Glittering in her spite
To keep memory
And never leave someone who wasn’t meant to be hers


Been ages since I shed tears
Close my eyes but there’s only pain
My eyes sore
My heart heavy
My mind hurt
There’s only tears left
As I should trust when you taught me distrust
As I should believe when showed me lies
Nothing left
What’s left
As words never ment to comprehend
Dont talk about love
It’s not even love
Love doesn’t hurt
Being left to sleep does
Wound the night hollow the day
O dear sun, he doesn’t deserve
Your shine.

It Hurts.

Love is hurt
Love is capable to destroy one heart and cherish the other

Love is capable to make people blind of one eye and one heart

I could love

I could hate

I could transform love into hate

Love is jealousy

Love is when one entitled was allow to wait in the dark and the forbidden one was allow to bath in shine

I could love

I could revenge

I could transpire love into revenge

Love is stupid

Love is when you dive into lust of your own and don give a fuck to other.

Love is when you bow in temporary cheap thrills and lost in adultery.

I could love

I could, Love x


It’s been sixteen years
Loong and hollow

There’s day it was unbearable

But then there’s day I hardly remember

Mind is like a mesh

Remember certain things 

And forgot others

I was afraid I’d forget

So I have you everywhere

In pictures

in wall

in wallet

in your old book recipe 

In your handwriting

That’s how I keep you alive

By remembering

By baking

By cooking

Because only then I can meet you through memories.



Picture: pinterest

In my life I have a few things that I regret that until today it’s still hurt to remember and see it. I guess I always use my mother passing as an explanation why I did what I did. It is true but I shouldn’t use it every time just to make people understand or to make me feel a slight better. But it was not truly living in my part, I turned into a hollow and shallow and scatterbrained person. It was hard but it was all that made me today.

My biggest regrets are being to focus on my own pain and my own life that I forgot where are my brothers, they lived under the same roof as I am but in about 1 or 2 years in my memories I only remember them once. I didn’t remember if I cared about them. I didn’t remember how are they. I didn’t remember how they went through the same pain as I did. I didn’t remember if I talked to them. And every time I remember those time I feel awful and those pain become very unbearable, I cried. I wish I wasn’t drown in my own self. I didn’t care if I was hurt I was suppose to be there with them to went through the pain. And I am sorry.

My other regrets in my life is having not pursue higher education. There’s so many reason why I didn’t pursue higher education. First and foremost I have a fear of authority figures as a result from many situation that left me with feeling inadequate, embarrassed, humiliated, and judged. It influenced my interaction with people who are older like parents, teachers, lecturers and most of people with authoritative figures so going to school and college is a horror story for me. Where I lived younger people should and must respect older people in any form so I became closed off and not able to speak up my mind to others. Thus made me lost interest in pursuing higher education. My second reason was because I desperately in need of LOVE. For years I focused to feel loved by people and put them in a wrong place to fill up the void that my mom left. Instead to learn to love myself and study I concentrate more to find love. So If I saw friends in social media who went to higher education abroad brings so much regret and pain in me because I always want to study abroad. And they are people I envy the most.

I have one more regrets but I wasn’t ready to share. But through this regrets I try my damnedest to always do the best for me or If I can’t to just always be grateful of what I have today. The grass is always greener on the other side but it’s also greener where you water it. This life is temporary you should fill it with something that will always benefit for yourself and others.

Have you had any regrets you want to share?





Another me you barely see (and all the pent-ups)


Muslim Homeschooling Bandung


Muslim Homeschooling Bandung


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