Setitik Malu

picture : helene delmaire painting

Aku pikir karena dia juga seorang wanita Dia akan mengerti pentingnya menjaga harga diri

Aku pikir karena dia juga seorang istri Dia akan mengerti pentingnya kejujuran dalam sebuah hubungan

Aku pikir karena dia juga seorang ibu Dia akan mengerti pentingnya memberi contoh tentang kebahagiaan tanpa merusak kebahagiaan orang lain

Aku pikir karena dia juga seorang manusia Dia akan memiliki setitik malu untuk mengajak lebih dulu.

Tapi ah sudahlah…

Cibubur Junction. Oct 26, 2017. Taxi 09.32 pm.

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Lost.

In your own mind

Never had the courage to be brave

I was not even the hardest person to talk to

You are.

Fake

Your love is
Your word is
Your action does

What would be left?
A broken heart
A wounded soul
and A damage faith

What would be need?
?
?
?
 
What would it be?
?
?
?

Perhaps you too are.

Luna

To him

She represent the moon
A sweet, kind, smart and shy girl
That he never can escape
Long talks long nights
Shimmering in her light
To keep company
Loyal
And never will leave someone who truly loves

To her

She represent darkness
A bubbly, delude, liar and thick-faced girl
That she never can forget
Long chats long deceit
Glittering in her spite
To keep memory
Cheater
And never leave someone who wasn’t meant to be hers

Repeat

Been ages since I shed tears
Close my eyes but there’s only pain
My eyes sore
My heart heavy
My mind hurt
Tears
Tears
There’s only tears left
As I should trust when you taught me distrust
As I should believe when showed me lies
Nothing left
What’s left
As words never ment to comprehend
Dont talk about love
It’s not even love
Love doesn’t hurt
Being left to sleep does
Wound the night hollow the day
O dear sun, he doesn’t deserve
Your shine.

It Hurts.


Love is hurt
Love is capable to destroy one heart and cherish the other

Love is capable to make people blind of one eye and one heart

I could love

I could hate

I could transform love into hate

Love is jealousy

Love is when one entitled was allow to wait in the dark and the forbidden one was allow to bath in shine

I could love

I could revenge

I could transpire love into revenge

Love is stupid

Love is when you dive into lust of your own and don give a fuck to other.

Love is when you bow in temporary cheap thrills and lost in adultery.

I could love

I could, Love x

Memories

It’s been sixteen years
Loong and hollow

There’s day it was unbearable

But then there’s day I hardly remember

Mind is like a mesh

Remember certain things 

And forgot others

I was afraid I’d forget

So I have you everywhere

In pictures

in wall

in wallet

in your old book recipe 

In your handwriting

That’s how I keep you alive

By remembering

By baking

By cooking

Because only then I can meet you through memories.

Regret

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Picture: pinterest

In my life I have a few things that I regret that until today it’s still hurt to remember and see it. I guess I always use my mother passing as an explanation why I did what I did. It is true but I shouldn’t use it every time just to make people understand or to make me feel a slight better. But it was not truly living in my part, I turned into a hollow and shallow and scatterbrained person. It was hard but it was all that made me today.

My biggest regrets are being to focus on my own pain and my own life that I forgot where are my brothers, they lived under the same roof as I am but in about 1 or 2 years in my memories I only remember them once. I didn’t remember if I cared about them. I didn’t remember how are they. I didn’t remember how they went through the same pain as I did. I didn’t remember if I talked to them. And every time I remember those time I feel awful and those pain become very unbearable, I cried. I wish I wasn’t drown in my own self. I didn’t care if I was hurt I was suppose to be there with them to went through the pain. And I am sorry.

My other regrets in my life is having not pursue higher education. There’s so many reason why I didn’t pursue higher education. First and foremost I have a fear of authority figures as a result from many situation that left me with feeling inadequate, embarrassed, humiliated, and judged. It influenced my interaction with people who are older like parents, teachers, lecturers and most of people with authoritative figures so going to school and college is a horror story for me. Where I lived younger people should and must respect older people in any form so I became closed off and not able to speak up my mind to others. Thus made me lost interest in pursuing higher education. My second reason was because I desperately in need of LOVE. For years I focused to feel loved by people and put them in a wrong place to fill up the void that my mom left. Instead to learn to love myself and study I concentrate more to find love. So If I saw friends in social media who went to higher education abroad brings so much regret and pain in me because I always want to study abroad. And they are people I envy the most.

I have one more regrets but I wasn’t ready to share. But through this regrets I try my damnedest to always do the best for me or If I can’t to just always be grateful of what I have today. The grass is always greener on the other side but it’s also greener where you water it. This life is temporary you should fill it with something that will always benefit for yourself and others.

Have you had any regrets you want to share?

 

.Cheers.

 

 

Do People Still Read Blog?

This is the first thing that came to my mind just now when I start opening my blog again, to write. I was wondering do people still read blog. I am sure people still write in blog for any kind of reasons such us a personal journey or a job or else because I sure like to save my personal journey or personal thoughts on blog as a part of sharing information that you might find useful or not.

I’ve been drowning in motherhood so I was having a hard time keeping tabs on people post in my blog. Plus with all the social media hype people find a new outlet to express themselves like though instagram or twitter or any social media (I’m sorry I am not really familiar with other social media except those two). So I was kinda anxious did people still read my blog or other blog and not just click like casually or actually read all the post and click like to appreciate what on the post.

So do you still read blog? and why?

Thank you

 

.Cheers.

Drilling Holes

large

Picture: we heart it

We’ve been running through the same circle.
Circle full of pain. Full of numbness. Full of vain.

I want to curse. I want to scream. I want to shout.
All your bullshit words.
Of live. Of love. Of money. Of everything

We’ve been crying through the unshed tears.
Tears full of misery. Full of disappointment. Full of hurt.

I want to curse. I want to scream. I want to shout.
All your shitty role.
About live. About love. About money. About everything.

We’ve been tortured through all the lies.
Lies full of hatred. Full of disgrace. Full of wrath.

I want to curse. I want to scream. I want to shout.
All your fucking perspective.
About live. About love. About money. About everything.

Another me you barely see (and all the pent-ups)

Sabumi

Muslim Homeschooling Bandung

Sabumi

Muslim Homeschooling Bandung

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