Tag Archives: Blabbering

I Feel Ugly

I feel ugly even when I know am not.

That’s motherhood has put me through. Feelig ugly of myself. The beauty of being a mother only last a couple of days for me because I was in to it without help.

Being a mother should make you feel pretty and beautiful. I did. Or I do. I don’t know. I mean when your breast no longer perky and appear saggy no matter the bra you wear or the long tired look that you manage to wear anymote or when the belly at didn’t seem to say goodbye or when you no longer brushing your hair because you thought it pointless to appear pretty even to yourself it’s hard at certain point to look at yourself beautifully. And in my case the mark for having atopy is endless. They mark my foot through my thigh and some area in my hand and arm. It wasn’t this bad when I suffer eczhema but this time it was prurigo that leaves black dots everywhere.

It’s hard to not love myself and continuing telling yourself that you are no longer attractive even to yourself and how do you expect people to look at you. Yeah. But I only love myself for me for a little time. It took me 25 years to finally love myself. Selfishly in love with myself that I didn’t allow others to drag me down in any way and it felt incredible. But then at that time I choosed to marry and marriage just don’t really have too much space for selfishness. So I miss to love myself.

Truthfully I don’t give a damn of what people think how I appear in their eyes but still too many bullies over my skin color put my self-esteem under the big hard rock. I always feel pretty even when people consider my skin was darker than normal people and when my forehead was full on display and even when my hair having its lionest at its best. I always feel pretty because this is me and people just stupid and blind. But that didn’t mean I’ll stand tall for myself when people called me ugly or dark or curly. Yeah I was that kid.

Being a mother put me back to where before I was 25 years old. I The silently-feel-pretty-but-doubting-myself because what people see in me. I want to feel pretty again. I want to love myself again. Merely just for me. So I have that self-esteem again.

.cheers.

Birthday Reminder on Facebook

It’s been years since the last time I put my birth day on private on Facebook. It means that only me that can see my birthday. Most of my friends on facebook automatically made their birthday available for their friends to notice. Therefore you’ll see their birthday reminder on your notifications.

I have my reasons though it seems bizarre but well that’s me. I just want to know how many people that really remember me. My facebook friends mostly weren’t people that close to me mostly were just my school friends that I rarely have deep conversation with and harshly let just say we know by name only. I am an introvert that hardly able to make a lot of relationship so I only have some friends that I allow myself to be close with even then doesnot mean I’ll just open up and spring my heart out. I only have a few for the deep.

The first year it was less than 15 people who really remember me. This year as in today only 2 people that remember my birthday which is my brother (the other 2 forget, how dare them!!😈😈 ) and one of my best friend. As time goes by I didn’t really give a damn by how many birthday wishes that I’ve got. But I can not lie that sometimes it hurts because of my imagination of a friendship wasn’t what I dream about. I used to see pictures or watching movies about friendship that they hang out together or having potluck together discussing vary topic in life.

Partly my fault perhaps because I wasn’t open to people or let them see the real me. Or perhaps I just don’t feel right to open up to my friends. Or perhaps twas just my imagination of a friendship. I don’t know. But surely I was tired of having a friendship that only require effort from my side. Or maybe I shouldn’t account on it. I don’t know. I was hoping I get to know more people that let them in and see the real me. People that also make an effort to have a friendship with me.

Tell me about your friendship with your best friend,, just so I have an insight that friendship is real and not just something I read on books or watch on movies.

Btw,, welcome to the big three-o.
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.Cheers.

My LUNGS Are Just Fine!!!

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In a place where I live you don’t always go to doctor if you were sick. There’s a lot of traditional medication that people could go to. Just like with Chinese people where they can drink some sort of herbs mixture to cure an illness. So far I’ve tried one different kind of alternative medication that involve neuron and a little bit of preasure in the right spot that could cause hell of a pain if you have something wrong in some certain part of your body. I think this kind of medication came from China. So the last couple of week I accidently trying a new kind of alternative medication.

A quite the same medication that require neuron and a whole lot of preasure that cause me more pain. The person appear to be religius that he can read through my personality. Not that it suprised me, no I’ve already admit my flaws, so I really don’t need more acknowledgement. But what disturb me the most was his prediction regarding my health. His prediction was that I have something wrong with my lungs that leads to TBC (tubercolosis lung disease) in which I agree because I have asthma in related to my lung problem and not TBC. I’ve went to numerous doctor visit for a mere justification. And then he said that I have to do certain things like stop breastfeeding my 20-months-old kid, drink lemon water, drink carrot and cranberry juice, drink fresh water and eat camel meat (yuuuucck!!).

I, indeed, wasn’t the type of person who like to eat people words as a whole. I need to digest it first then collect some data and, boom, decide what to do. But his words keep messing with my head especially the part that I have to stop breastfeeding my kid (tried it for a day and it cause me more stress than ever). To be honest, I didn’t tell a lot of my family what kind of condition that I suffer from. And even though I told them, they rarely believe it. But I spent years went to doctor just to understand my condition.

I was BORN with allergic that was passed on from either my mom or dad. It makes me sensitive to certain food or environment. Nothing really severe. And along my 30 years of living the last 10 years I’ve been in and out of doctor for numerous kind of illness that cause from my allergic condition. Atopy was something that on and off throughout the years. I’ve got eczema and now in healing process of prurigo (another kind of atopy). The last 2 years I’ve just know that I suffer asthma, illness that I’ve closed my eyes from when I was in college and in denial when I was pregnant. But now, the more often it gets the more I can’t deny. My asthma was to the point that I wasn’t able to do simple things like talking or walking when it was full force. So when the doctor told me that my asthma was another result of my allergic gene then I have nothing to do but to work out. The last thing that I knew to keep me healthy. All doctor that I’ve came accros s told me that I have to: live healthy, eat healthy, no stress, enough sleep and work out. Work out was the only thing that I never do, I mean literally never. And it appear work out was my answer to my asthma condition.

To keep my mind at ease I decide to do medical check up that include thorax rontgen to see if I suffer from TBC. Because the theraphy mister said that if I went to rontgen my thorax, my lung will already full with tbc. So today was the day my medical check up result came out. After discussing the result with the doctor it appears that I have no dangerous illness and something to improve here and there that I didn’t aware of. And I am thankful for that. But leave me with bitter taste in my tongue because I believe unproffesional opiniom get through me. It pissed me off that it messed with my head for full 3 weeks. It made me fooled that I have to spent money for unnecessary medical check up. But I don’t feel sorry to be able to do medical check up so that I can throw it in their face. XD

.cheers.

Curse Train

ph: weheartit

Everyday I run to chase you. To make sure I get a seat so I don’t have to sleep while hanging and standing. Lucky enough I only to see the unlucky people sleeping while hanging and standing. Life is though. But that’s how this is working. First arrive first serve. First come first sit. Tired and long journey sometimes blind you. From a need to let woman or old people or kids to have a sit; in need to sleep. There’s still thoughtful people despite less wise people. So don’t worry.

Everyday I have to worry are you gonna work well or not. Arrive on time. Less crowded. Cool car. No, it’s not always happen. It’s one per tenth or hundredth. That’s not what I get. Late arrival from schedule. Overloaded and overcrowded passengers. A not-working-so-well air condition worsen our rage. Spill oil into a fire.I get what it called reversed. Don’t mind; I get for what I’ve paid.

Everyday I have to be positive. That someone is not gonna steal my phone, my wallet, my bag, my life. Or that someone will not do disgusting public sexual harassment by have a chance to grab my breast, my thighs, my ass, my vagina. Or any chance in this overcrowded train. I don’t have a chance to worry about it. I try my best to be able to breath, to stand with my both feet, to let myself hanging on. Don’t less guarded; they steal a chance and disappear.

May be this is you. This shit is your specialty. You are a savior to the desperate, in need of fast and free-traffic transportation. You are a dream to kid, like the child song tell them. You are a nightmare to the commuter, in need to always worry you will work at your best. You are a curse to us, in a slow pace of enhancement.

No maybe this is not you. Maybe this is just how shit doing their work.

And yet you still want a raise?

Fuck

Juggling With Failure

This is how to kill my mood through silly mistakes: Two posts disappeared in accordance of slow internet connection plus forgot to save the draft, multitasking between drowning in pile of paper works, a wanting to read fifty shades of grey on line, sealing a wrong stamp in company contract. Great start for the week, right?

I have to admit I am a multi-tasker though I realize what kind of consequences will follow. It is clear to me that being busy with couple or more than one task in one time, one shot, is a challenge for me. It is said that women are better at multitasking than men but to generalize that every woman is better at multitasking will not very wise. Men can do multitasking too but it’s not including my husband 🙂

I know myself very well that my ability to multitasking more than 3 or 4 task at the same time give me a great headache and confusion which one to do first. Usually I manage to break them down into priorities that I found it high to low but I barely can manage it when I was working at office. I was too greedy to finish it in one time. So today was the example, I have piles of paper works in my desk waiting for me to compile and file them; basically this is what I do today at work:

. scan documents > save documents > copy documents > distribute documents > file documents

. manage incoming emails > download important files > print files > file files

. manage incoming calls > distribute calls to the designated

. prepare documents > stamp documents > send back documents

. lunch > look through archive > boss’s office

. fill in a form without clear purpose

while on my laptop I was:

. re-reading online a novel that I have at home

. thinking and write a post

. browsing a sport bag for husband

This pile of task I had today that brought me to A DISASTER! Gah! Yupe, a stupid thing is to let myself doing more than 2 tasks at one time.  The consequences that come along with multitasking is they don’t give you the best result, which I highly aware. I believe as brain can only receive to certain amount of order at one time, the lesser the task to do the higher focus and effort that will lead you to higher percent of result. I’ve read some researches and other articles about woman and multitasking but nothing knows the best than our self. This time I failed (again) to read and measure my capability on multitasking that cost me stupid mistakes. The worst part is I am a perfectionist and a mistakes is something a lot to take in.

Do you multitask? How many task you can do in one time?

.Cheers.

::credit on the picture::