Tag Archives: Grateful

My LUNGS Are Just Fine!!!


In a place where I live you don’t always go to doctor if you were sick. There’s a lot of traditional medication that people could go to. Just like with Chinese people where they can drink some sort of herbs mixture to cure an illness. So far I’ve tried one different kind of alternative medication that involve neuron and a little bit of preasure in the right spot that could cause hell of a pain if you have something wrong in some certain part of your body. I think this kind of medication came from China. So the last couple of week I accidently trying a new kind of alternative medication.

A quite the same medication that require neuron and a whole lot of preasure that cause me more pain. The person appear to be religius that he can read through my personality. Not that it suprised me, no I’ve already admit my flaws, so I really don’t need more acknowledgement. But what disturb me the most was his prediction regarding my health. His prediction was that I have something wrong with my lungs that leads to TBC (tubercolosis lung disease) in which I agree because I have asthma in related to my lung problem and not TBC. I’ve went to numerous doctor visit for a mere justification. And then he said that I have to do certain things like stop breastfeeding my 20-months-old kid, drink lemon water, drink carrot and cranberry juice, drink fresh water and eat camel meat (yuuuucck!!).

I, indeed, wasn’t the type of person who like to eat people words as a whole. I need to digest it first then collect some data and, boom, decide what to do. But his words keep messing with my head especially the part that I have to stop breastfeeding my kid (tried it for a day and it cause me more stress than ever). To be honest, I didn’t tell a lot of my family what kind of condition that I suffer from. And even though I told them, they rarely believe it. But I spent years went to doctor just to understand my condition.

I was BORN with allergic that was passed on from either my mom or dad. It makes me sensitive to certain food or environment. Nothing really severe. And along my 30 years of living the last 10 years I’ve been in and out of doctor for numerous kind of illness that cause from my allergic condition. Atopy was something that on and off throughout the years. I’ve got eczema and now in healing process of prurigo (another kind of atopy). The last 2 years I’ve just know that I suffer asthma, illness that I’ve closed my eyes from when I was in college and in denial when I was pregnant. But now, the more often it gets the more I can’t deny. My asthma was to the point that I wasn’t able to do simple things like talking or walking when it was full force. So when the doctor told me that my asthma was another result of my allergic gene then I have nothing to do but to work out. The last thing that I knew to keep me healthy. All doctor that I’ve came accros s told me that I have to: live healthy, eat healthy, no stress, enough sleep and work out. Work out was the only thing that I never do, I mean literally never. And it appear work out was my answer to my asthma condition.

To keep my mind at ease I decide to do medical check up that include thorax rontgen to see if I suffer from TBC. Because the theraphy mister said that if I went to rontgen my thorax, my lung will already full with tbc. So today was the day my medical check up result came out. After discussing the result with the doctor it appears that I have no dangerous illness and something to improve here and there that I didn’t aware of. And I am thankful for that. But leave me with bitter taste in my tongue because I believe unproffesional opiniom get through me. It pissed me off that it messed with my head for full 3 weeks. It made me fooled that I have to spent money for unnecessary medical check up. But I don’t feel sorry to be able to do medical check up so that I can throw it in their face. XD



Letting Go


Picture from here

If you think for one second I was singing Frozen OST you are making fun at me. I sing but terribly so it was for my husband only lol. Nope, this time I want to share my decision to letting go. And be grateful.

My mom passed away when I was 14 thus should make me the ‘subtitution’ of my mom. Meaning I should be more responsible to what left behind. My brothers. But I was not. I was so lost and numb inside. I was so focused on myself only that I didn’t even remember where my brother were whereas we lived in the same house. And I just realize 14 years later and there was night when I cried because I was sorry I was so neglectful. But nobody can’t blame me, I was a kid.

Lots of my life decision was made considering my father and brothers college for example but I am not getting into details. 7 years after my mom passed away I finally able to let her go. And her death makes me even grateful that she didn’t have togo through this life shittiness. The years to come I tried to find myself and to forgive myself for all the bad mistakes I’ve made in my ‘dark’ age. And it all finally come to a closure.

After 10 years I finally able to forgive myself. I can love myself without having to depend of others love. But then I still struggle with the guilt over neglecting my brother. I thought I should be man up. I know no excuse but I was damned at that time. And I was hoping to a redemption. That my life goal was changing into making my brothers happy. So I would do everything to support them.

I was hoping that we would always be in the same way. I expected the same success. The same faith. The same future. The same afterlife. But God forbid me I guess because once I married my life goal wasn’t them anymore. It was hard at first to realize and to admit but then I finally able to let them go.

I thought that we own our own journey. That my brothers own their own journey too. Of how succeed their work life would be. Of how deep their faith to God. Of how happy their life. And each of them might have different definition for all of that. So I let them go and let myself go. That they’re adults and they responsible to their own future and life. But I will always here watching with a hawk-eye and here and there remembering them and praying for the best of them.

Sometimes in life you’ll meet with a moment where you have to let go one or two or even three things in your life. Easy? You wish. Admit it doesn’t mean you’re weak but to me it means you strong. You don’t have to shout it out loud to the world but to yourself. And then try to let ’em go because by letting go you actually being grateful. And That you believe God has His hands on it.


What Does It Feel To Grow Up Without A Mother?

In commemorating my breakdown, couple days ago just right after Mother’s day, to a question about growing up without my mother. I am going to share a little bit what does it feel to be motherless. These question below I took from this great blog Walking Barefoot by Brenda Della Casa about Growing Up Without A Mother: Five Women Share Their Story.

How old were you when your mother passed/left? I was 14.

Can you briefly share the circumstances surrounding your situation? My mother was died at age 38 from complications after gave birth to my little brother.

Did her leaving/passing have an immediate impact? It didn’t sink in right away. I felt like I was in a dark and bleak room and after a couple of days I out of the room and run my day by day like a robot. I emotionless since. I went through a depression in high school and suffered with anxiety and low self-esteem.

Who raised you? My dad, my grandparents and my aunts in particular. Environment at the most.

How was her absence handled in your household? I am not functioning very well and my grandparents took control of it and my dad on the weekends (because he works out of town). Juggled between new routines, new environment and new life with my brothers.

How did this impact you? I should be though. I supposed to support and take care of my 3 brothers but that time I didn’t understand very well. It’s like our boat is sinking and everyone try to save themselves first. I thought about only myself and actually forgot the rest of them.

What did growing up without a mother feel like as a child/teen? As a teen, I hated every things. I hated when everyone started to talk about my mom with the pity in their eyes. I hated the person who talk about her. I hated myself. I hated my surroundings. I didn’t even cry when my mother died until some years later and it’s only a weep. Until I realized life is so much harder and it’ll be easier if there’s someone I can talk to.

How do you feel her absence has influenced you as an adult? It made me strong and fragile. At first I was all but positive. I have a lot of issues, fears, insecurities and problems. Nowadays, through God and spiritual journey I find more peace. But what past created still made me today. I was still hard to myself. I still held people at arm’s length because I didn’t want to get hurts. But the hardest thing is to see mother-daughter relationship. I was lonely because all in the house are boys, I have no one to ask for advice or simple girly stuff and it affected me no liking girls stuff.

In what ways has her absence influenced your ideas about motherhood? I anxious about being a mother big time. Many people didn’t know that the other reason I wasn’t having a baby now because I was scared of becoming one and I didn’t have women I am comfortable with to ask about womanhood and motherhood.

What do you feel is misunderstood about motherless children? That we’re strong and grow up well. You could still find a hole or holes that anything can’t fill up.

How do you feel about your mother today? She’s great and I love her a lot. But still she’s a topic I never really want to talk about with people but I write about a lot. And we’ll meet soon.

How do you handle Mothers Day? I didn’t have one to celebrate. I commemorated her birthday and death only.

How have you healed? 7 years to achieve the acceptance stage. And I’m not going to say I’m healed but I am better. There will always holes that supposed to be fill by my mother only. But God will fill it for me, I hope.

Any additional thoughts? Her death was a major thing happen and it shattered me. But it also the one that can make me stand up and stronger than my peers. As much as I love her, God love her much more. As much as she being here with me, I grateful God took her to one place she more deserved.


We’ll see you soon, Mom.


How To Treat Elderly (Through the Eyes of a Granddaughter)

This is the reason I have this blog so I can speak the unspoken. This might have contents from personal experience and some are from what I’ve seen, watched, witnessed, and heard that make me learn a lot.

One day I watched a TV program in my cable that showed elderly that left isolated (physically and mentally) by their children whether they were lived in an elderly care placement or they were lived alone in a dorm-size apartment. And that was the moment I think of my grandparents; I still have grandparents, only my grandpa from my dad side has passed away. I know it is not my issues because my relationship with them is I am their granddaughter and they are my parents’ responsibility to take care of. But still, this is become one of my concern nowadays because they’re my family. 

These issues might only appear in West  but I thought the issues might appear anywhere even in the East. But I have to agree, we, in the East still have ‘filial piety’ as I found in the article below:

It’s easy to make harsh comparisons between the East and West when it comes to the issue of elderly care. Values of Western cultures tend to celebrate youth, self reliance and individualism. Eastern cultures place enormous value on family and the elderly, often adhering to traditional age hierarchies.  A traditional Asian household is far more likely to include a grandparent, whereas nursing homes in the United States, Australia and many parts of the West are increasingly overcrowded.

The Confucian doctrine of ‘filial piety’ continues to have a strong presence in Chinese and Asian culture. It simply means showing obedience, respect and deference to your elders. It’s considered a privilege to be in the enlightened company of an elder, and ancestral reverence remains vitally important today. In these and other cultures, it is considered utterly shameful not to take care of your aging parents. The same goes for Mediterranean cultures, where multi-generational families live together in the same house. (Advanta Home Care)

Regarding my ability and position it was not my zone to interfere whether they should be put in a nursing home or living in the same roof with their children. But one thing I learn for sure that they need someone to talk to. They need someone to care about them. And no matter where they lived I still can care about them.

Aging forced them to faced with the realization that they must accept the inability to stand alone or loss their independence or worse, the need to depend on someone else to do what they want to do, and that might make them feel feeble. Some elderly can accept that and the process of aging in their life even though it takes time and some maybe can not just accept it.

I didn’t treat elderly very nice at first because how the elderly treated me in the past has made me anxiety toward them and I am still struggle with that. I didn’t have the feeling to visit them or talk nice to them or listen to them or treat them nicely, no I didn’t wanna be around them even. I didn’t treat them bad it just flat like they’re not really there. One day, I try to look the world from elderly POV and I feel compassion toward them. Though I vow myself I am not going to be an elderly like how the elderly around me had show me. And getting older and wiser I learned a lot on how I should treat them. I am not going to say in the reality it will easy but at least I am trying.

First,  try to listen to their never-ending and repetitive blabber about everything, in my case my mother death. I have to admit it wasn’t an interesting story to listen over and over. Some elderly will listen for positive feedback but some are just love to cut off any feedback. I was pretty sure they just want a full-time attention with just-listen-to-me attitude. Instinctively we become defensive for a repetitive story but when we try to become more less defensive and imagine how pity they are for being so old and lonely you’ll start to listen to them again. If it’s not working ask yourself “And why me (that have to listen)? or us?” because someday we’ll get old and we do want the best attitude for us too, right?

Second, call them as often as it should. A report estimates more than 360,000 older people have children too far away and “too busy to see them” but thanks to globalization era we’re living in we shorten distance with our smartphone. Call but not text (I learn elderly do NOT text) or video call, do everything as a compensation of our busy time to see them. Though it might mean you’ll hear the repetitive story, just bare with it.

Third, as youth resemble freedom so do elderly. Give them space. As people become old, they may become insecure. They need their space to be secure in it. Give them space to be old and act as an elderly. Try as much as possible to give them enough space so that their freedom is not curbed. The older people may have certain ritualistic behavior. They do not like people to discourage them from doing it. Another important thing to remember is that as people get older, their activities get reduced. (saching.com)

Fourth, try to manage a time in one month to actually see them and spend some time with them. To show affection. You don’t have to go for outing or any outdoor activities, just at home cook for them, eat with them or such. If there’s anything I struggle a lot is affection, communication and affection is rare and luxurious traits in my blood. I found my eyes welled up in tears as I sit together and speak to my grandma couple of months ago, things I rarely do, I awe her wrinkles and how I realize she’s getting older and older despite everything happens.

It’s not sound as easy as it is but my religion taught me about relations between human beings and that’s what make me strong everyday and my compassion to them if I feel tired of elderly or when my anxiety toward elderly kicks in.

I learn to treat elderly nice from now because when it’s come to my turn to take care of my parents when they’re getting in elderly phase, I’ll be ready and do what I need to do.

I wrote this not to remind you that you should treat your elderly better but to bring to mind that you in the future will get older and might feel what they might feel right now. Regret always come at the end when there’s no time to turn back.


Daily Prompt: All Grown Up

When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?

I never really know when the first time I felt I were a grown up woman. But I really do know I grown up as a human being at the age of 25 when I knew what I were doing with my life. But reality showed me I was grown up long before it, as I always consider myself older before my time.

I was forced to grown up when I knew my mom passed away. Carried a label as mom successor in my family with dad and three little brothers at the age of 14. Considered my young age, I tried my best and juggled and stumbled upon everything in my face which caused me a depressed and failed teenager.

I was grown up when I had my first ‘real’ boyfriend at the age of 15 whose older by 4 years. That thingy little pride of having a college student when I was a highschooler. He taught me the feel being unworthy, being cheated, being exasperated and being drown in my deepest depression.

I was grown up when I decided to wear no undershirts before my uniform or a short skirt to school.

I was grown up when I decided to go to the college only to be closed to my boyfriend. Not a very wise decision, I know, but it was one of the best thing I realize afterwards.

I was grown up when I was stuck my heart on one person and being cheated over and over and over again. I was head over heels on one guy that at that time-If I recoil now-wasn’t worth my time or even my heart.

I was grown up when at the age of 21 I finally reached acceptance stage of grief of my mother loss.

I was grown up when at the age of 25 I finally accepted myself with all my flaw and all my more, able to stand on my own, able to love myself than other, able to be more selfish than selfless, able to live a life on my own ….and without hesitation.

I was grown up every single day every single year every single life.

And I will still grow up.

but I do….

ph: cescua.kristiin


Daily Prompt: Happily Ever After

“And they lived happily ever after.” Think about this line for a few minutes. Are you living happily ever after? If not, what will it take for you to get there?

Nowadays, Daily Prompt required some deep thinking before answering it including today prompt. I have no beautiful words to answer this but I tried as hard as I can. Happily ever after is the one line I used to read on books or written on fairytale or told on the last scene of a movie after one passage of someone’s life.

I, myself, always love happy ending stories in books or movies because I think that what people’s deserve after been through a quite hard passage in their life. Well, I believe so happiness is a good feeling better that sadness maybe.

But when in real life I don’t think such a happily ever after exist. Why? Because it’s life. Life means all that positive and negative feelings in balance. Sometimes you are up sometimes you are down. And maybe despite every hardship and pain that you’ve been through and you accept is as you accept good things such joy and easiness in life will make you even more thoughtful and realize being happy by being living a life.

My passage of life were probably similar to some people that create so many insecurities in me and my life. I took more than 10 years to define my own happiness with all the circumstances I had in my teenage life. It’s been two years now since the revelation day, where I finally happy with myself and my fucked-up past life. Though I happy now, and really really happy, I knew I’ll have face to face with hardship or anything when life turn his ugly face to me. I’m going to stop blabbering now.

“shall we try to lived happily no matter what happen in our lives”


Daily Prompt: A Plot of Earth

You’re given a plot of land and have the financial resources to do what you please. What’s the plan?

You probably know for my personal reasons if I were given big amount of money what I’d like to do or when there’s offer I can’t refuse what I’d like to have. And it hasn’t change.

So when I were given another plot of land and have the power with the financial resources I’d like to make one of my dream come true. I am going to think this is sizable plot of land that I would want it to be untouched but surrounded by forests and river and mountain. There I’d like to build an ecological orphanage for children who weren’t lucky enough to have a better life. I always to have one at least in my country and after I was reading Vain, a book by Fisher Amelie, I’d like to have it also somewhere in Africa.

I’d love to make an orphanage that has a feel like home so it’ll not feel like an orphanage. I love children and being able to share a lot of love to them and help them to become what they want to be, I can’t imagine how that will make me so happy. I wish someday it’ll come true. someday.


psst. credit on the pictures. I didn’t own the picture.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Thankful

Though I am not celebrating Thanksgiving but we don’t need to wait for some occasion to feel thankful.

I am thankful for

living and breathing.

and for having umra this early year in this beautiful mosque.

Hidup itu (Tidak Selalu) Pilihan!


Seringkali kita dengar : Hidup itu Pilihan!

Artinya apapun yang terjadi di hidup kita adalah pilihan si-yang-menjalani-hidup. Pilihan hidup yang kemudian menciptakan orang yang dapat ‘menghukum’ bahwa apa yang dijalani adalah benar atau salah.

Sedangkan setiap hidup seseorang berbeda even untuk yang kembar identik sekalipun. Lalu bagaimana orang lain dapat dengan sepemahamannya menilai pilihan hidup seseorang itu benar atau salah, baik atau buruk.

Beruntunglah untuk mereka yang merasa dapat menjalani hidupnya sesuai dengan pilihannya. Bersyukurlah kalau memang di hidupnya tersedia berbagai macam pilihan yang memang diberikan orang tua, orang lain maupun diri sendiri. Berbahagialah atas pilihan kalian.

Hidup itu (tidak selalu) pilihan agaknya tak kan dimengerti oleh orang yang di hidupnya tersedia berbagai macam pilihan untuk masa sekarangnya apalagi masa depannya. Bagi beberapa orang hidup itu tidak memilih. Garis takdir memilihkan hidup orang-orang yang tidak dapat memilih untuk dijalani tanpa sempat memprotes kehidupan. Agaknya bagi mereka yang dipilihkan hidup, menjalaninya sembari mengingat Sang Pencipta adalah solusi terbaik ketimbang mengeluh dan menangisi keadaan.

Bagi anak-anak pinggir jalan yang kadang kala mengetuk jendela mobil atau menyentuh sembari menengadahkan tangan meminta sejumput kasih dan kebahagiaan dari yang diminta. Mereka hidup tanpa bisa memilih kehidupan seperti apa yang mereka mau, orang tuanya pun tidak sanggup memberikan pilihan yang seharusnya didapat mereka.

Agaknya kita selalu berpikir bahwa orang-orang yang kurang beruntung secara finansial-lah adalah orang-orang yang tidak memiliki pilihan hidup. Tapi nyatanya tidak. Keadaan yang memungkinkan seseorang tidak memiliki pilihan untuk hidupnya sehingga seseorang hidup dalam keprihatinan yang memang harus dijalaninya milik banyak orang bukan hanya mereka yang kurang secara finansial. Tapi memang dari kekurangan itulah rata-rata orang hidup dengan keprihatinan tinggi. Lebih mudahnya kita sering dengar atau mungkin mengalami “saat kita susah kita akan semakin ingat pada Sang Pencipta, tapi ketika kita sedang senang belum tentu kita ingat Sang Pencipta”.

Begitu mendengar kata kekurangan otomatis biasanya kita langsung berpikir materi padahal kekurangan dapat berupa apapun fisik maupun non-fisik. Mungkin memang uang tapi bisa jadi kasih sayang, perhatian, cinta bisa jadi orang, saat kita kehilangan seseorang ada lubang yang tercipta di hati dan kehidupan kita.

Agaknya menghakimi kehidupan orang lain buruk atau baik, benar atau salah kurang bijaksana. Tidak semua orang bisa memiliki pilihan di hidupnya. Ketika seseorang hanya harus menjalani kehidupan yang mungkin tidak pernah diharapkannya dengan kemampuannya berbuat salah atau benar lalu lingkungan menghakiminya alangkah umumnya terjadi. Kita hidup dari membuat kesalahan-kesalahan yang kemudian kita tahu mana yang benar.

Bersyukurlah jika dihidupmu masih terdapat banyak pilihan yang dapat dipilih. dan. Beruntunglah kamu jika dipilih (baca:dipercaya) menjalani hidup yang sudah dipilihkan kehidupan karena tidak banyak yang dapat melakukannya. Tidak banyak yang mendapatkannya. You are special.