Tag Archives: Life

Lady

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She is 

Another she is

The other she is

As long as not me

You worshipped her

You loved her

You adore her

You admire her

You treates her like one

You didn’t let her lift a finger

You didn’t let her smell like a smoke

You didn’t let her pay 

You picked her up

You took her home

You listened to her

You understanded her

You came to her

I was never a lady

I was a rug you step on

I was a trash can you pour your problem

I was a spare tire you put in the trunk

I was the in-between

You never worshipped me

You never adore me

You never admire me

You never treat me like one

You let me did heavy stuff

You let me ride in the sun in the rain but never in shades

You picked me up late in the dark road 

You took me home only when you done

You never listen to me

You never understand me

You came to as a last resort

I was never a lady

Then why keep me?

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Shameless

You know in this life you will come accross with brazen-faced people. People who thinks it’s okay to keep contacting a married man everyday just for asking simple stuff like:

“Where are you?” 

“What are you doing?”

“Have a good day”

“Have a good presentation”

“What time are you going home?”

“Are you home already?”

“Let’s have some lunch/dinner”

“Let’s go home together”

“Let’s take a stroll at the mall”

“Why can’t I contact you?” 

It may look like a simple question. But if you happen to do it to a man who is not your husband and doing it like (almost) everyday without your husband knowing (read: in secret) with lame excuse “for work” or “we’re just friends”, dude you need to check your brain for it. Listen woman, if you interested in being ‘friends’ with a married man and makes NO effort to be friends with his wife or told your husband you are up to NO good. Friends, don’t take a married man went home together knowing his wife waiting for him at home, take your OWN man home. No matter how many hints there goes, the brazen-faced will always stay shameless. Such a shame.

Dear Rain

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I’ve missed you. It’s been so long since I can enjoy you. Will you be my ear? Listening to the sound of my mind, to the beat of my pain, to the sorrow of my heart. I’ve been dreaming. Dreaming about all the things that made my heart ache. Dreaming about the thrills of his touch. Dreaming about the presence of his body. Dreaming about the butterfly of his willingness to keep me close. Dreaming about my despair of vengeance. But it was all just dream. A dream on repeat. A dream, a fruitage of my misery. I want to keep dreaming. So I could have what he had. I want to keep dreaming. So I could happy as he was. I want to keep dreaming. So I could hurt less. 

Dear Rain, will you help me? Washed away all my doubts and worries. Cleansed all my hatred and grudge. Wipe out all my memories and my premonition. 

Let me dream something sweet.

What Do I Do?

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Love, what do I do now? I am sitting in the dark don’t know what to do. Listening to the sound of waterfall. My heart heavy. My head hurts. I want to sleep but my mind keep racing a hundred laps. I am wondering what do I do wrong. I am wondering what should I do. Should I live or should I die. Should I trust or should I not.  I feel lonely. I feel broken. No amount of words could repair what my heart went through. I want to run. I want to flee. No amount of miles could help me collect all the broken pieces. I mourn. I repent. Of the kind of roller coaster I must ride. Tell me love, what do I do now? Cause everything seems wrong. I should not be hurt. I should not feel broken. I should not feel betrayed. I should trust. I should not care too much. While I wanna do just love. While I wanna do is trust. While I wanna do just happy. While I wanna do is growing old with you. Tell me love, what do I do now? Tell me love, what do I have to do to rebuild trust when it’s already broken? Tell me love, what do I have to do to believe everything you said is true? Tell me love, what do I do to heal?

Painful Memories

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The bad outweight the good ones. That’s what 7 years of pain of betrayal of distrust do to you. The pain will always be there peeking from time to time. Remembering me the taste of betrayal. Of you of those girls. The distrust will always be there gnawing from time to time. Remembering me the taste of being lied to. Of you of those girls. You might feel pain because I lied. One big lie that I finally able to see you in the eye and admit it. They might feel pain because simply you just didn’t want them. But I got to feel the pain that destroy all my self-worth. You and those girls did that to me. You and those girls knew all along I was exist but still. Now I lived with all the glorious detail of your lovemaking that keep scratching my mind from time to time. That make me wondering what did I do to deserve the unbearable pain. 7 years of living in constant feeling of being worthless. 7 years of feeling that I never be enough. 7 years living like a fool. I didn’t deserve this. I hope karma find its ways to you and the girls. Especially the girls. 

Setitik Malu

picture : helene delmaire painting

Aku pikir karena dia juga seorang wanita Dia akan mengerti pentingnya menjaga harga diri

Aku pikir karena dia juga seorang istri Dia akan mengerti pentingnya kejujuran dalam sebuah hubungan

Aku pikir karena dia juga seorang ibu Dia akan mengerti pentingnya memberi contoh tentang kebahagiaan tanpa merusak kebahagiaan orang lain

Aku pikir karena dia juga seorang manusia Dia akan memiliki setitik malu untuk mengajak lebih dulu.

Tapi ah sudahlah…

Cibubur Junction. Oct 26, 2017. Taxi 09.32 pm.

Memories

It’s been sixteen years
Loong and hollow

There’s day it was unbearable

But then there’s day I hardly remember

Mind is like a mesh

Remember certain things 

And forgot others

I was afraid I’d forget

So I have you everywhere

In pictures

in wall

in wallet

in your old book recipe 

In your handwriting

That’s how I keep you alive

By remembering

By baking

By cooking

Because only then I can meet you through memories.

Regret

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Picture: pinterest

In my life I have a few things that I regret that until today it’s still hurt to remember and see it. I guess I always use my mother passing as an explanation why I did what I did. It is true but I shouldn’t use it every time just to make people understand or to make me feel a slight better. But it was not truly living in my part, I turned into a hollow and shallow and scatterbrained person. It was hard but it was all that made me today.

My biggest regrets are being to focus on my own pain and my own life that I forgot where are my brothers, they lived under the same roof as I am but in about 1 or 2 years in my memories I only remember them once. I didn’t remember if I cared about them. I didn’t remember how are they. I didn’t remember how they went through the same pain as I did. I didn’t remember if I talked to them. And every time I remember those time I feel awful and those pain become very unbearable, I cried. I wish I wasn’t drown in my own self. I didn’t care if I was hurt I was suppose to be there with them to went through the pain. And I am sorry.

My other regrets in my life is having not pursue higher education. There’s so many reason why I didn’t pursue higher education. First and foremost I have a fear of authority figures as a result from many situation that left me with feeling inadequate, embarrassed, humiliated, and judged. It influenced my interaction with people who are older like parents, teachers, lecturers and most of people with authoritative figures so going to school and college is a horror story for me. Where I lived younger people should and must respect older people in any form so I became closed off and not able to speak up my mind to others. Thus made me lost interest in pursuing higher education. My second reason was because I desperately in need of LOVE. For years I focused to feel loved by people and put them in a wrong place to fill up the void that my mom left. Instead to learn to love myself and study I concentrate more to find love. So If I saw friends in social media who went to higher education abroad brings so much regret and pain in me because I always want to study abroad. And they are people I envy the most.

I have one more regrets but I wasn’t ready to share. But through this regrets I try my damnedest to always do the best for me or If I can’t to just always be grateful of what I have today. The grass is always greener on the other side but it’s also greener where you water it. This life is temporary you should fill it with something that will always benefit for yourself and others.

Have you had any regrets you want to share?

 

.Cheers.

 

 

Love Yourself

The title might be the same with Justin Bieber song but, no, I am not gonna sing it for you. And, yes, you probably don’t want to hear me sing a song. I am a distorted-pitch singer lol.

I miss writing and sometimes it’s just not the right moment, not the right topic, not the right time and it’s getting harder and harder with my kid confiscate most of my time. As usual I do social media ‘stalking’, I mean what did you call when you went through your friends posts on facebook or pictures in instagram, that’s what most people do, right? Or it it just me. Let’s just assume it’s just me.

Looking through your friends posts or pictures speak volumes for me because it can learn and read them through what they write or what they take. Sometimes it can bring you whole lots of emotion vary from proud, happy, envy, sad, anger and on but most of the times it just make you doubting yourself and think that the grass is always greener or the other side. That leads me to question what is it the purpose of social media if in the end there’s so much downside on it.

I tried as much as I could to rarely ‘stalking’ people on my facebook or instagram account. Because as much as I love reading people I hate the end of the line where sometimes make me ungrateful of what I have now or who I am. There’s people that like to post picture of their clothes which make me wondering why I can not pull of that kind of clothes. There’s people that like to post picture of food that they eat which for this I never envy because my food is something I am 100% certain so no amount of delicious food could make me envy. But it’s a matter of place where they eat it that sometimes make me envy of why I rarely eat out in a beautiful and quite expensive restaurant. Though I shouldn’t envy because like I said I like certain food so it’s supposed I don’t have to be envy . I guess their ability and opportunity to eat out that I envy because I don’t always have the opportunity or ability to eat out. There’s people who like to checking-in in lots of places mostly if they went on holiday which could make me drool. Holiday is one thing that a must for a sahm but not always have the ability to. There’s people that like to post their beautiful faces which I shouldn’t complain about because you can’t choose to be born with certain beautiful face.

It took 25 years for me to finally love myself including accepting all the flaws that make me, me. I used to have no color and easily influenced by how people dress, how people do, how people work, how people think and it tortured me to fake it just so that I am fit in. The only time where I am really me was or is when I am alone. I didn’t give a damn of what people wear or think. But after being able to love myself I find myself at peace so that no matter what other people do or think or wear I don’t give a damn. And it pained me to see my old self in somebody else. Because it’s painful to not be able to be yourself and to add salt to the wound hearing people generalize thing is just awful.

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Picture here

.Cheers.

Unfair

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One being said
Was different from
One being felt

I was cry for you
I was cry for him
For you to feel the unfairness
That was totally denied
Totally unacceptable
For him to have feel the unfairness
That should name of love
Totally bullshit love

One being said
Was different from
One being felt

I was cry for you
I was cry for him
For you my ache gone deeper
That I didn’t remember mine
Only yours
For him to have drag down
That I have so much bitterness for
Only you

One being said
Was different from
One being felt

I was cry for you
I was cry for him
For you to have gone through all
The bullshit that I have to witness
That crashing down your life
For him to have one undefined
Role that let you be swept by waves
That limiting your life

One being said
Was different from
One being felt.