Tag Archives: Love

Memories

It’s been sixteen years
Loong and hollow

There’s day it was unbearable

But then there’s day I hardly remember

Mind is like a mesh

Remember certain things 

And forgot others

I was afraid I’d forget

So I have you everywhere

In pictures

in wall

in wallet

in your old book recipe 

In your handwriting

That’s how I keep you alive

By remembering

By baking

By cooking

Because only then I can meet you through memories.

Drilling Holes

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Picture: we heart it

We’ve been running through the same circle.
Circle full of pain. Full of numbness. Full of vain.

I want to curse. I want to scream. I want to shout.
All your bullshit words.
Of live. Of love. Of money. Of everything

We’ve been crying through the unshed tears.
Tears full of misery. Full of disappointment. Full of hurt.

I want to curse. I want to scream. I want to shout.
All your shitty role.
About live. About love. About money. About everything.

We’ve been tortured through all the lies.
Lies full of hatred. Full of disgrace. Full of wrath.

I want to curse. I want to scream. I want to shout.
All your fucking perspective.
About live. About love. About money. About everything.

Love Yourself

The title might be the same with Justin Bieber song but, no, I am not gonna sing it for you. And, yes, you probably don’t want to hear me sing a song. I am a distorted-pitch singer lol.

I miss writing and sometimes it’s just not the right moment, not the right topic, not the right time and it’s getting harder and harder with my kid confiscate most of my time. As usual I do social media ‘stalking’, I mean what did you call when you went through your friends posts on facebook or pictures in instagram, that’s what most people do, right? Or it it just me. Let’s just assume it’s just me.

Looking through your friends posts or pictures speak volumes for me because it can learn and read them through what they write or what they take. Sometimes it can bring you whole lots of emotion vary from proud, happy, envy, sad, anger and on but most of the times it just make you doubting yourself and think that the grass is always greener or the other side. That leads me to question what is it the purpose of social media if in the end there’s so much downside on it.

I tried as much as I could to rarely ‘stalking’ people on my facebook or instagram account. Because as much as I love reading people I hate the end of the line where sometimes make me ungrateful of what I have now or who I am. There’s people that like to post picture of their clothes which make me wondering why I can not pull of that kind of clothes. There’s people that like to post picture of food that they eat which for this I never envy because my food is something I am 100% certain so no amount of delicious food could make me envy. But it’s a matter of place where they eat it that sometimes make me envy of why I rarely eat out in a beautiful and quite expensive restaurant. Though I shouldn’t envy because like I said I like certain food so it’s supposed I don’t have to be envy . I guess their ability and opportunity to eat out that I envy because I don’t always have the opportunity or ability to eat out. There’s people who like to checking-in in lots of places mostly if they went on holiday which could make me drool. Holiday is one thing that a must for a sahm but not always have the ability to. There’s people that like to post their beautiful faces which I shouldn’t complain about because you can’t choose to be born with certain beautiful face.

It took 25 years for me to finally love myself including accepting all the flaws that make me, me. I used to have no color and easily influenced by how people dress, how people do, how people work, how people think and it tortured me to fake it just so that I am fit in. The only time where I am really me was or is when I am alone. I didn’t give a damn of what people wear or think. But after being able to love myself I find myself at peace so that no matter what other people do or think or wear I don’t give a damn. And it pained me to see my old self in somebody else. Because it’s painful to not be able to be yourself and to add salt to the wound hearing people generalize thing is just awful.

love-yourself-quotes-images

Picture here

.Cheers.

I Feel Ugly

I feel ugly even when I know am not.

That’s motherhood has put me through. Feelig ugly of myself. The beauty of being a mother only last a couple of days for me because I was in to it without help.

Being a mother should make you feel pretty and beautiful. I did. Or I do. I don’t know. I mean when your breast no longer perky and appear saggy no matter the bra you wear or the long tired look that you manage to wear anymote or when the belly at didn’t seem to say goodbye or when you no longer brushing your hair because you thought it pointless to appear pretty even to yourself it’s hard at certain point to look at yourself beautifully. And in my case the mark for having atopy is endless. They mark my foot through my thigh and some area in my hand and arm. It wasn’t this bad when I suffer eczhema but this time it was prurigo that leaves black dots everywhere.

It’s hard to not love myself and continuing telling yourself that you are no longer attractive even to yourself and how do you expect people to look at you. Yeah. But I only love myself for me for a little time. It took me 25 years to finally love myself. Selfishly in love with myself that I didn’t allow others to drag me down in any way and it felt incredible. But then at that time I choosed to marry and marriage just don’t really have too much space for selfishness. So I miss to love myself.

Truthfully I don’t give a damn of what people think how I appear in their eyes but still too many bullies over my skin color put my self-esteem under the big hard rock. I always feel pretty even when people consider my skin was darker than normal people and when my forehead was full on display and even when my hair having its lionest at its best. I always feel pretty because this is me and people just stupid and blind. But that didn’t mean I’ll stand tall for myself when people called me ugly or dark or curly. Yeah I was that kid.

Being a mother put me back to where before I was 25 years old. I The silently-feel-pretty-but-doubting-myself because what people see in me. I want to feel pretty again. I want to love myself again. Merely just for me. So I have that self-esteem again.

.cheers.

Despair

ph: wehearit

I thought you were leaving

I thought you were disappearing

but you were enjoying crawling in every vein

caressing all my pain

Tenggelam

Dari jauh aku pandangi kehidupanmu. Kamu dan motormu, Aprillia Shiver-mu. Kegilaanmu memacu adrenalin membuatku mencintaimu. Membayangkanmu mengendarai motormu nafasku berderu. Aku mau jadi motormu.

Mau gila rasanya tau kamu jatuh dan aku jauh dari sisi mu. Aku mau benahi lukamu, bersihkan sekujur tubuhmu dengan peluhku. Kamu buat aku gila.

Jarak membuat kamu bisu. Menggapai jauh direngkuh nyata. Aku yang tak bisa dimiliki dan kamu yang bukan untuk dimiliki.

Dari jauh aku pandangi kehidupanmu. Kamu dan gadis-gadismu, gadis binal mu. Membuat aku cemburu. Buta. Aku mau kamu. Aku mau menorehkan dosa bersama mu.

Sentuh salam lama dari mu menyayat hatiku. Kalau bisa aku terbang ke dunia mu. Supaya kamu berhenti membuat aku gila. Aku mau menjadi milikmu.

Aku mau kamu hanya mengendarai aku dan menari denganku.

Sampai aku lupa dunia ada. Dan bukan untuk kita berdua.

I forgot.

I forgot we once a lover. A couple years ago, and it wasn’t love at the first sight. We met by a chance, you knock on my room thought you’re my roommate. We weren’t. We never talk, only exchange deep gaze everytime we meet in the hall. A meaningful gaze. It was me try to talk to you first. You were shy, so was i. A few words, a few talks. And then you disappear.

It was an “add friend” on facebook. From you, a shy stranger. I approved. We started to send messages, exchanged msn ids, exchanged skype ids, exchanged phone number. We started with a message, to a chat, to a video call, to a text, to a call. Everything to least the distance. From small talks to secret talks to dirty talks. That’s how we became a lover. A love to each other.

We shared moments and started to draw ‘unseen’ future. Become a spouse, a partner of life, husband and wife, a parent of beautiful children, and grow old together. After you started missing without calling. Without texting. Without skyping. Without nothing to tell. I was worried and I was stupid. I dreamed an end. I dreamed you cheated. Until I found out you just busy, with your work, your friends, yourself. I was devastated. A long distance relationship is not for me. Not for you. Not for us. Require a lot of efforts. Understanding. And trust. I was asking too much for having news everyday and you were doing less. I quit.

Anger was filled you. You gone with no words. Not once asking why. Or struggling to get me back. While I was hoping you were. You just stay there. I was crazy. To live without you. And to live far from you. I was in deep heartbreak. In deep cry.

Yesterday we met (again) by chance in the hall. I was alone. You too. We weren’t talk only exchange gaze. It was you try to talk to me. I was shy, so were you. A few words, a few talks. I tried to recall about you and me; through a gaze. There’s just nothing. Time was up. We stopped and we hugged. A goodbye hug. A hug to forgot.

To forgot about you.

About us.

Sandwich

 Why must embarrassed

When we have nothing to show

Yet to hide

When we are not even a couple

More to stranger who like each other crazily

I imagined we sleep together

The three of us

While playing with our own phone

Speak lovely to our spouse

Telling them how much we miss them

And hoping to return home

…………………….

Pisces

ph: weheartit

I met you there under the Orion belt between our separated bed. You were my dream. My expectation going real. Until the reality was a big deal. I was with someone when I never thought you would come. My stance teetery my attitude cranky my world becomes jolty.

Your love is sweet when it’s new and sweeter even more when it’s true. I hope it’s true. It was a sweet concise love. Until I left you. Before you left me. Until I realize loving you is something I couldn’t do. I tore apart my faith left everything just for you is something I would do. But I stopped before I consume you more than I could handle you. 

You said love is all we need. We’d able to rock the world, but I never thought it was the real world, I thought it was our tiny little love world. You said with love is enough to not emphasize our boundaries and our barriers. Love doesn’t always solve everything, dear my Pisces. I have faith and you don’t. I know goal but you’re not. I want hereafter symphony but you not.

I loved you and I left you for our own good. But you don’t understand. You just won’t. You ratty and won’t talk to me. As if I am filthy and deceive. I don’t have eyes with anyone, I have my eyes on you when I’m with someone. I don’t play games but life itself is a game.

I will miss you my Pisces

your passionate kisses and your loving embrace

but we never meant to be

together.

It Wasn’t Affair, It Was Love

ph: favim

I met you two years ago on summer. Like any other in summer we was in love. Silly summer love. Even when we knew we both no longer alone. Yet love made us like a fool. I worked on summer while you were on holiday. It was novel-like moments. You were my bestfriend’s bestfriend. He wished we were mate but you made me have no faith. We both knew this went nowhere yet love made us like a fool.

We took a risk with our little affair. But it was never an affair, we felt our partner was our affair. We were lovelorn. Talking hours by hours, days by days, weeks by weeks. I never felt to meet someone like him before and he felt the same. I was head over heels and so was he. But never once we touched each other with no reason but in awareness of being respect to each other. It was an emotionally relationship where we didn’t need physical things. We were under each other spell.

28 days the exact moments we were in lovesick. Until you needed to come home. And real world were about to begin. We promised to keep in touch. We did. We isolated ourself from reality from our family from our currently-partner. We lied. I’d stay all night chat with you on facebook or talk to you on skype. There’s nothing we wouldn’t do for each other except one, break off our current relationship.

Hours by hours, days by days, weeks by weeks when we started to back to reality. Our communication gone. I was tired when you called to chat. You were with your girlfriend when I needed to talk. We vaporized.

Last month, after a year, you showed yourself in my front door. You said you weren’t able to forget me. You said you break your girlfriends to be with me. I appalled. After all this year without words he popped out in my door and what-told me to be with him. I was silent. In split second I found his mouth in mine. His savage tongue meet my ferocious tongue, I knew he was in hunger of my kiss. He released me and kissed me and kissed me. He violently kissed me and it made me aroused. I wanted him so badly, I wanted to be beneath him.

I awoke in his chest while he kept holding my waist tightly against him. We talked hours by hours, days by days, weeks by weeks left the reality. Told him I was someone fiancee. He said it was okay and wished me to leave. I was hesitated. but then I did leave. And love made us like a fool.