Tag Archives: Personal

Memories

It’s been sixteen years
Loong and hollow

There’s day it was unbearable

But then there’s day I hardly remember

Mind is like a mesh

Remember certain things 

And forgot others

I was afraid I’d forget

So I have you everywhere

In pictures

in wall

in wallet

in your old book recipe 

In your handwriting

That’s how I keep you alive

By remembering

By baking

By cooking

Because only then I can meet you through memories.

Regret

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Picture: pinterest

In my life I have a few things that I regret that until today it’s still hurt to remember and see it. I guess I always use my mother passing as an explanation why I did what I did. It is true but I shouldn’t use it every time just to make people understand or to make me feel a slight better. But it was not truly living in my part, I turned into a hollow and shallow and scatterbrained person. It was hard but it was all that made me today.

My biggest regrets are being to focus on my own pain and my own life that I forgot where are my brothers, they lived under the same roof as I am but in about 1 or 2 years in my memories I only remember them once. I didn’t remember if I cared about them. I didn’t remember how are they. I didn’t remember how they went through the same pain as I did. I didn’t remember if I talked to them. And every time I remember those time I feel awful and those pain become very unbearable, I cried. I wish I wasn’t drown in my own self. I didn’t care if I was hurt I was suppose to be there with them to went through the pain. And I am sorry.

My other regrets in my life is having not pursue higher education. There’s so many reason why I didn’t pursue higher education. First and foremost I have a fear of authority figures as a result from many situation that left me with feeling inadequate, embarrassed, humiliated, and judged. It influenced my interaction with people who are older like parents, teachers, lecturers and most of people with authoritative figures so going to school and college is a horror story for me. Where I lived younger people should and must respect older people in any form so I became closed off and not able to speak up my mind to others. Thus made me lost interest in pursuing higher education. My second reason was because I desperately in need of LOVE. For years I focused to feel loved by people and put them in a wrong place to fill up the void that my mom left. Instead to learn to love myself and study I concentrate more to find love. So If I saw friends in social media who went to higher education abroad brings so much regret and pain in me because I always want to study abroad. And they are people I envy the most.

I have one more regrets but I wasn’t ready to share. But through this regrets I try my damnedest to always do the best for me or If I can’t to just always be grateful of what I have today. The grass is always greener on the other side but it’s also greener where you water it. This life is temporary you should fill it with something that will always benefit for yourself and others.

Have you had any regrets you want to share?

 

.Cheers.

 

 

Love Yourself

The title might be the same with Justin Bieber song but, no, I am not gonna sing it for you. And, yes, you probably don’t want to hear me sing a song. I am a distorted-pitch singer lol.

I miss writing and sometimes it’s just not the right moment, not the right topic, not the right time and it’s getting harder and harder with my kid confiscate most of my time. As usual I do social media ‘stalking’, I mean what did you call when you went through your friends posts on facebook or pictures in instagram, that’s what most people do, right? Or it it just me. Let’s just assume it’s just me.

Looking through your friends posts or pictures speak volumes for me because it can learn and read them through what they write or what they take. Sometimes it can bring you whole lots of emotion vary from proud, happy, envy, sad, anger and on but most of the times it just make you doubting yourself and think that the grass is always greener or the other side. That leads me to question what is it the purpose of social media if in the end there’s so much downside on it.

I tried as much as I could to rarely ‘stalking’ people on my facebook or instagram account. Because as much as I love reading people I hate the end of the line where sometimes make me ungrateful of what I have now or who I am. There’s people that like to post picture of their clothes which make me wondering why I can not pull of that kind of clothes. There’s people that like to post picture of food that they eat which for this I never envy because my food is something I am 100% certain so no amount of delicious food could make me envy. But it’s a matter of place where they eat it that sometimes make me envy of why I rarely eat out in a beautiful and quite expensive restaurant. Though I shouldn’t envy because like I said I like certain food so it’s supposed I don’t have to be envy . I guess their ability and opportunity to eat out that I envy because I don’t always have the opportunity or ability to eat out. There’s people who like to checking-in in lots of places mostly if they went on holiday which could make me drool. Holiday is one thing that a must for a sahm but not always have the ability to. There’s people that like to post their beautiful faces which I shouldn’t complain about because you can’t choose to be born with certain beautiful face.

It took 25 years for me to finally love myself including accepting all the flaws that make me, me. I used to have no color and easily influenced by how people dress, how people do, how people work, how people think and it tortured me to fake it just so that I am fit in. The only time where I am really me was or is when I am alone. I didn’t give a damn of what people wear or think. But after being able to love myself I find myself at peace so that no matter what other people do or think or wear I don’t give a damn. And it pained me to see my old self in somebody else. Because it’s painful to not be able to be yourself and to add salt to the wound hearing people generalize thing is just awful.

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Picture here

.Cheers.

Birthday Reminder on Facebook

It’s been years since the last time I put my birth day on private on Facebook. It means that only me that can see my birthday. Most of my friends on facebook automatically made their birthday available for their friends to notice. Therefore you’ll see their birthday reminder on your notifications.

I have my reasons though it seems bizarre but well that’s me. I just want to know how many people that really remember me. My facebook friends mostly weren’t people that close to me mostly were just my school friends that I rarely have deep conversation with and harshly let just say we know by name only. I am an introvert that hardly able to make a lot of relationship so I only have some friends that I allow myself to be close with even then doesnot mean I’ll just open up and spring my heart out. I only have a few for the deep.

The first year it was less than 15 people who really remember me. This year as in today only 2 people that remember my birthday which is my brother (the other 2 forget, how dare them!!😈😈 ) and one of my best friend. As time goes by I didn’t really give a damn by how many birthday wishes that I’ve got. But I can not lie that sometimes it hurts because of my imagination of a friendship wasn’t what I dream about. I used to see pictures or watching movies about friendship that they hang out together or having potluck together discussing vary topic in life.

Partly my fault perhaps because I wasn’t open to people or let them see the real me. Or perhaps I just don’t feel right to open up to my friends. Or perhaps twas just my imagination of a friendship. I don’t know. But surely I was tired of having a friendship that only require effort from my side. Or maybe I shouldn’t account on it. I don’t know. I was hoping I get to know more people that let them in and see the real me. People that also make an effort to have a friendship with me.

Tell me about your friendship with your best friend,, just so I have an insight that friendship is real and not just something I read on books or watch on movies.

Btw,, welcome to the big three-o.
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.Cheers.

Why I Didn’t Gain Weight

Why I didn’t gain weight no matter how hard I try.

Yupe. You read it right. I hardly gain weight. It’s been more than 5 years that my weight stuck in the same number. I was considered thin for a 5’2″ I weight 45 kilos. My ideal weight range between 50 t0 55 and I didn’t use particular chart I was just reading through all the different weight chart and the conclusion. In the end it didn’t matter if I can’t gain even a kilo.

I’ve people talk good and bad stuff about my weight which mostly I didn’t care but sometimes it disturbed me. People thought I didn’t eat or I sick or whatever you want to imagine or perhaps they just jelaous. There’s truth that perhaps people didn’t acknowledge.

First, I inherited my mother and father genetics. She was slim even after having three child she weight 55 kilos for a 5’4″. It happened to all my brothers and mostly most of my family members too they are slender. So folks that’s partly when my slim-ness came from. Lucky me! Yeay…

Second, probably this one was what people didn’t know the most: lifestyle. Some people probably saw me like to eat in a large portions. True. But that time I was consider a ‘cheating day’ for people who on diet. Truthfully I didn’t snack, and if I snack it wasn’t high unhealthy kind of food so no fries no chips no ice cream no chocolate no milkshake no coffee with whipped cream no anything deep-fried. I prefer peanut butter with wheat whole bread or steamed sweet potato as snack to keep my stomach full for quite a long time. I ate 5-6 times a day in moderate portions of food a day with healthy snack in between. I prefer lots of veggie that meat and I didn’t gorge myself on food usually I stop eating before I even feel full.

Third, I moved about quite a lot. I’m an active and kinesthetic kind of person. Laying down and sleeping all day wasn’t my forte. I always find something I want to do that require moving. Yupe, you read it right sometimes I move furniture or redecorating my bedroom or doing a lot of handy stuff at home all by maaaiiiseeeelllf. I prefer looooong walking or biking rather than take a public transportation to go to some place. I used to walk for an hour or so when I was single because I prefer it that way where people maybe find walking as exhausting. Things that people in my country rarely do because they thought the government didn’t provide decent sidewalk. To me as long as I still have two feet to walk I didn’t give a damn care where should I walk.

It seems that I didn’t try hard to gain but what can I say as long as I am healthy, I didn’t really care what people think. Being slender is just a bonus. Even now when I was a mother of one I weight the same as when I was just before pregnant. What even worse is if I tried to skip a meal or two or when I sick and have no appetite then it’ll just lose two to three kilos. It was such a nightmare. You might want to change the way you eat if you want to lose some kilos but for me just love yourself enough to make yourself healthy rather than appear pretty.

Healthy is sexy.

Edit (34)
This is me almost 10 years ago. Nothing changed much.

.Cheers.

 

Lonely

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You know I didn’t consider myself being easily approach. People told their first impression of me is always bitchy because how I might look in silence. While from my perspective I more of an awkward. It’s in me that I appear closed off, quite, not that kind that will initiate conversation so sorry no I will not suddenly being talkative. Somehow it makes me hard to adjust and join a new community. And in result lesser people to be friend with.

Not that I don’t have friends well I do a lot I guess. Friends that I never talk to. Elementary friends. Junior high friends. High school friends. College friends. Work friends. A friendship that only happen at that time. I only keep it close with people that I consider my best-friends. I have 6 best high school female friends. 7 best college female friends 3 best college male friends. In which I keep close no matter nil conversation we had they’ll always in my inner circle.

To be truth I more close to my male friends rather that my female friends. Dunno. Well, I guess I know because they don’t do complicated. Female do. And as my husband said I more likely anti-mainstream so I only need a pinch dose of female talks. And now as I am married it’s hard to keep in touch with all. I really do want to share a more off me but I scare. Scare that no one will not judge me because my whole life I was being judge.

My husband is my project of opening his mind when talk to me. At first he always think the opposite of what I mean but by time he’s the only one that understand me more than anyone. I wasn’t a big and sweet and nice talker you know. I was fierce and there’s no such sugar-coat words. Which might be accepted by people as yeah trully bitchy. Even though my intent was good but by my talking that’ll appear I was harsh. Well, I am, I guess.

The reason I write more and talk more because I wasn’t a smooth talker. And this life I ride now leave me empty with friends. Lonely. And that’s a feeling that I didn’t want to deal with.

Thanks for listening.

.Cheers.

Chameleonize

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Chameleons and I share same trait, we change color. While chameleons change color as a response to mood, temperature, health, communication, and light, I change color as a response of innocence, I guess. lol.

Have you watch or read Eat Pray Love, on one of the scene friends of Liz said

…you know, you used to look like Stephen. Now you kind of look like David. You know? What l meant was, you know how people start resembling their dogs?

that line give me a jab right on my jaw. I feel the same with Liz. I smell like A when I was with A and I turn like B when I was with B while I am Z when with myself.  While Liz try to figure herself by doing a long and delicate journey to Italy, India and Indonesia (all start by an I), I didn’t try to figure my color, I just think and suck it up. It turns out by having partner means to influence each other so nothing wrong, right?

I believe past really shape me into myself today. Having to lost my universe when I was on my frail stage really shake my self-esteem and growing up with bunch of man or boys didn’t help me much. It just get worse.

It’s not that I didn’t know my color, I did, I do. Like chameleon they all have their basic color, pale greeny colour. I  knew my color very well, it just keep changing while I am with different people. Lack of self-esteem and weak feature make me look to other people a lot and then I’ll try to copy or mimic or put what I think work on them to me. In result, I never fully comfortable both with the process and the result.

Why I look to other people? It’s because I have no one to teach me how to make strawberry cheesecake while I never knew what the hell is strawberry cheesecake. My husband did a great deal teaching me a lot of stuff I never knew it’s exist. Though I am getting better and better, I mostly struggle with girly stuff nowadays because no way my husband can fill up that hole.

My basic color when it comes to clothes is jeans and T-shirt and sneakers. I used to whine why this world make a big deal of how we should look in front of other people. But sadly it matter. This leave me struggling and look up to what other people wear isn’t always good on me. But it always struck me right in the gut and I have to tear all apart. I envy what girls could wear and look good while apparently if I want I can’t differentiate the difference. The way I think, the way I see problems, the way I saw clothes it’s like how man see it. ALthough I am grateful for that but it’s not always good.

Peer pressure or social pressure always put me over the edge and that’s why I rarely go on social stuff with addition with my social anxiety that just make it dynamic duo. I try so hard to be fittable but  I find my comfort when I was alone and didn’t care about what people might think. Like chameleon, I show my true color when I am alone and calm.

Do you change color?

.Cheers.

Another Disorder I Finally Discover

ph: ammunition

Many of you already know that I am someone with Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) but it took times for me to actually aware of my own problems. And more effort to actually admit it. Here in my country, having a mental problem is like having a sinful sin. They’ll thought you are somehow crazy so I didn’t familiar with mental health until couple years ago. Thank to Mr. Google. So I wasn’t seeking for medication or therapy or even asking for professional help. And my introverts  just make everything worse.

I in fact am having social anxiety disorder or social phobia (Mr. Google said they both the same just the matter of time terms). I still functioning to the point I ignore most of the situation that will lead me to my social anxiety. Stuff that dreading me: speaking in public, making small talks, being the center of attention, participating in big groups, expressing a disagreement or disapproval or at least speaking at a meeting, working/writing while being observed, talking to people in authority, the last two are the one that put me in full distressed.

Thanks to my introverts I didn’t really show any physical symptoms, I tend to avoid the dreaded situations as possible as I can. Many times I try to endure the anxiety provoking situation with considerable distress. Once, I was about to promote myself and declaring my visions and missions about stuff I am working on but I end up crying and pretending to faint before I could even speak a word. I’ll remember the day as the lamest day of my life but I realize the amount of distress result physical exhaustion and my major breakdown. I learn a lot from that moments that I should just stay behind the scenes.

My now position put me at another stake of my social anxiety, I’ll deal with a lot of people in authority and work under a hawk-eye supervisor. I didn’t like it really. Many times I consider myself to quit. And I will I guess soon but not too soon. The project hasn’t even start but I already dreading what’s ahead and it distressed me a lot.

Some people maybe want to become big but I like to stay where I am nothing superior and nothing inferior. Someone in between.

:: Maybe if you want to try LIEBOWITZ SOCIAL ANXIETY SCALE (LSAS-SR)* :: my score is 80 means very probable ::

And no, I am not crazy my country people.

.Cheers.

For The Promptless – S. 2, E. 5 – Gezellegheid

Gezelligheid is a Dutch noun meaning the comfort and coziness of being at home, with friends, with loved ones or general togetherness.

  • Gezellig is an adjective that the noun is based on.
  • From wiki:
    • A room can be gezellig. (meaning cosy or inviting)
    • A person can be gezellig. (meaning entertaining or pleasant)
    • A party can be gezellig. (meaning fun)
    • A visit to ones grandparents can be gezellig. (meaning togetherness)
    • A set of curtains can be gezellig. (meaning pretty or nice).

Suggested Prompts:

  • Describe something in your life where you have a gezelligheid
  • Draw something that is gezellig
  • Write a story featuring a gezellegheid
  • … or make up your own related prompt!

I actually want to keep it as anonymous as I can be but it’s hard to actually think of another Gezelligheid moment I can think about. This photo taken recently when I visit home. I didn’t know but maybe it’s become a habit that we snuggle up in one tiny bed or on the floor squashing one and another. But they are my comfort of my home.

Sardines2Sardines….

.Cheers.

A Letter To The Man Who Think I Have No Manners

Dear The Man Who Think I Have No Manners,

I barely know you. We just happen to meet everyday in more formal rather than informal occasion. But we rarely talk about everything. I rarely asked about how your life is or your family is because I want to keep it professional and because I don’t bother myself to know your life or judge your life. Of how you spend the whole day doing your stuff. Of how you try hard to be a breadwinner. Of how like you talk about anything unnecessary. I don’t because I am busy enough with my life.

But I knew very well that I am easily intimidated, I was that sheet that turn into fire once it’s kindled. Every time you approach my bureau and try to start conversation with me. Actually, I didn’t really want to but I always try to be nice to you by engulfed in our conversation. and you succeed. To make me talk about everything you want me to talk about except about each others life. I talked in with normal words, normal tone, normal intonation for a normal conversation. I did eye contact. I kept my posture formal but relax. To respect myself and to respect you.

Ever since I moved closer to your bureau, as if I had choice, you started to make more and more conversation I never really want. But I kept my composure and just sucked it up. I had piles of paper and I didn’t have time to look to yours. I seemed ignorance but it just how I tuned out my surrounding because no way I would listen to all people blabbering in the same time about lots of stuff. I wanted to feel some privacy even in packed small place, and that’s how I create privacy for other. I wanted to keep it like that.

Until you started comment everything I did or do. Even worst, it’s not something I did or do to you, man. Did I do something wrong? Did I talk bad with you? Or did I disrespect you? That you have to told me that I have no manners in front of other people.

Excuse me, you’re the one that has no manners. How is it you brazenly jump into my conversation with my inferior and start give what’s good or not to do? How is it I am the one with no manner because of that? How is it you eavesdropping my conversation in the telephone with my best-friend? How is it I am the one with no manner because the choice of words and tone I use to talk with my best-friend? How dare you labeled me as someone with no courteous?

How could you think that you are more civilize that I am? We might be in the same level in the structure but we are definitely different. I never thought that I was even better from you, not even a glimpse in me because I know well that every person in the world is different. That explain a lot more than what your brain can possibly process. There, the way we talk and deal with other people are different. Each person has their own way.

I have my own way to talk with people or deal with people. So what you witness is my way of dealing with people, my way of communicate with people.  If I want to ask my inferior to deliver a letter to lower level instead of myself is my choice, it is my way to deal with people. And If I want to talk with my best-friend with my choice of words my choice of intonation, it’s my way to talk to my best-friend. And why is that you the one who said I have no courteous manner while my best-friend said nothing. Nothing.

So who you are dude that you have a right to commentate the way I deal and talk with people? Don’t try to teach me how to deal or talk with people because I never give a shit about the way you deal or talk to people.

Man, if you have a lot of spare time to observe about how I deal or talk to people. You should do a lot of reflection and if you can’t think any idea how, I’ll help you. I’ll help you buy a huge mirror so that you can look clearly of yourself.

So you to know man, I am not good with words and thus I like being alone and in silence. It’s actually me being nice. Because my best-friends who you think the way I talk to them is in no manners knows me better with what I am dealing.

Dude, you’re a man so behave like one. If you can’t, just get a life! or get laid.

Love,

EH.