Tag Archives: rammbling thought

I Feel Ugly

I feel ugly even when I know am not.

That’s motherhood has put me through. Feelig ugly of myself. The beauty of being a mother only last a couple of days for me because I was in to it without help.

Being a mother should make you feel pretty and beautiful. I did. Or I do. I don’t know. I mean when your breast no longer perky and appear saggy no matter the bra you wear or the long tired look that you manage to wear anymote or when the belly at didn’t seem to say goodbye or when you no longer brushing your hair because you thought it pointless to appear pretty even to yourself it’s hard at certain point to look at yourself beautifully. And in my case the mark for having atopy is endless. They mark my foot through my thigh and some area in my hand and arm. It wasn’t this bad when I suffer eczhema but this time it was prurigo that leaves black dots everywhere.

It’s hard to not love myself and continuing telling yourself that you are no longer attractive even to yourself and how do you expect people to look at you. Yeah. But I only love myself for me for a little time. It took me 25 years to finally love myself. Selfishly in love with myself that I didn’t allow others to drag me down in any way and it felt incredible. But then at that time I choosed to marry and marriage just don’t really have too much space for selfishness. So I miss to love myself.

Truthfully I don’t give a damn of what people think how I appear in their eyes but still too many bullies over my skin color put my self-esteem under the big hard rock. I always feel pretty even when people consider my skin was darker than normal people and when my forehead was full on display and even when my hair having its lionest at its best. I always feel pretty because this is me and people just stupid and blind. But that didn’t mean I’ll stand tall for myself when people called me ugly or dark or curly. Yeah I was that kid.

Being a mother put me back to where before I was 25 years old. I The silently-feel-pretty-but-doubting-myself because what people see in me. I want to feel pretty again. I want to love myself again. Merely just for me. So I have that self-esteem again.

.cheers.

Lonely

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You know I didn’t consider myself being easily approach. People told their first impression of me is always bitchy because how I might look in silence. While from my perspective I more of an awkward. It’s in me that I appear closed off, quite, not that kind that will initiate conversation so sorry no I will not suddenly being talkative. Somehow it makes me hard to adjust and join a new community. And in result lesser people to be friend with.

Not that I don’t have friends well I do a lot I guess. Friends that I never talk to. Elementary friends. Junior high friends. High school friends. College friends. Work friends. A friendship that only happen at that time. I only keep it close with people that I consider my best-friends. I have 6 best high school female friends. 7 best college female friends 3 best college male friends. In which I keep close no matter nil conversation we had they’ll always in my inner circle.

To be truth I more close to my male friends rather that my female friends. Dunno. Well, I guess I know because they don’t do complicated. Female do. And as my husband said I more likely anti-mainstream so I only need a pinch dose of female talks. And now as I am married it’s hard to keep in touch with all. I really do want to share a more off me but I scare. Scare that no one will not judge me because my whole life I was being judge.

My husband is my project of opening his mind when talk to me. At first he always think the opposite of what I mean but by time he’s the only one that understand me more than anyone. I wasn’t a big and sweet and nice talker you know. I was fierce and there’s no such sugar-coat words. Which might be accepted by people as yeah trully bitchy. Even though my intent was good but by my talking that’ll appear I was harsh. Well, I am, I guess.

The reason I write more and talk more because I wasn’t a smooth talker. And this life I ride now leave me empty with friends. Lonely. And that’s a feeling that I didn’t want to deal with.

Thanks for listening.

.Cheers.