Part of me believe you. Part of me live in a fear you would betray me (again). My mind stay with logic. My heart stay in doubt always on guard ready for panic attack and terrified for another break. Last storm gave me some kind of revelation that your happiness matter more than I realize. That I can’t stand watch you in pain that I willing to experience pain just for you. Part of me want to give up. Part of me want to fight and move on. Part of me want my own happiness. Part of me want you as my happiness. I want more. More of this. More of that. More of everything. But you still battle your own battle. Battle you must face. Battle you must fight on. Part of me want to stay. Part of me want to flee.
It’s been too long. Gnawing at my soul. My mind. My heart. The picture where I want to smash your head to the wall. But I get to kill you in my head too many times too many years. I hate you so much. Your name itself is so repugnant. So I called you voldemort for so long. But I guess you understand where my hate came from. It came from you. It came because of you. It came for you. I never thought you can be so low. I hate you because you knew he was mine yet you still make a move. I hate you because I can’t hate him yet you make me hate him. I hate you because you and him fucking lie in my face while I knew the truth. You must think that I am stupid and blind. I hate you because you and are a fucking coward for rubbing your happiness in my face. I hate you because you and him broke me caused me so much pain so you both can consume your love. I hate you because you fucking volunteer to be second. I hate you because you and him are the sam, a liar, a cheater. I hate you because you make me feel inadequate with all your lovemaking. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. You might have what I didn’t have but that didn’t justify your action toward me. I hope you pay. For all my tears. For all my pain. For all my broken heart.
I knew you as a friendly human. Who loves me at first sight. Who used to cherish me when I was not. I never saw you as a beautiful creature. But I get to feel your beauty within.
I knew you as you who worship God. Who loves to do the right things. Who used to correct me when I was wrong. I never saw you as someone who love to put on a mask. But I feel all your darkness hiding within.
I knew you as someone who would value love. Who goes extra miles to make a point. Who used to look at only me even when I am not. I never saw you as a man who need recognition. But I feel all the pain you caused.
I knew you as a devoted man. Who value the art of working. Who used to beg for everything went well. I never saw you as a nuisance. But I get to deal with all the baggage while I still have mine.
Where’s there’s good there’s bad. There’s dark there’s light. There’s guilty there’s innocent. There’s black there’s white. There’s right there’s wrong. There’s something in between.
I believe in karma. I believe in what goes around comes around. I believe in what you reap is what you sow. and I believe in God, off course.
My past taught me a lot to never judge people of what happen in people’s life or of what they choose on the choice they make. I know there’s good things and bad things. There’s right doings and there’s wrong doings. There’s guilty and there’s innocent. The good and bad things are knowledge. The right and wrong doings are a choice. The guilt and innocent aren’t my place to judge.
People cheat. People corrupt. People lie. People ignorance. People fake. Women prostitute. Men douchebag. Husband abusive. Wife addict. Child broken.
There are times you witness people you love choose to do wrongs and become so bad. There are times you really want to fix them, advice them and even tell them they’re wrong. Everything happens for reasons. Reasons that most of the time we have no clue about it but we act like we knew everything. We didn’t know what happen in other people life that make them choose to do the wrong things. We didn’t. Yet we feel that we can fix them.
To some broken soul no words can make them turn into light but God. But that’s make it not our battle but their battle. No matter how much you want to change people or make stop of people do the wrong it’s not going to flip like a pancake.
You might questions everything. Question reasons of they wrong doing. But don’t judge because you are no God. and you are no saint.
You might see your loved ones fall into darkness. Fall into what they thinks will help them. You just need to stand there with your arm stretch ready for anytime help just in case they want to crawl back into light.
I used to be judged and I know how bitter that felt. Ever since no matter how dark someone choose and all the wrong doings they act, I don’t do judge. I might admit what they do is wrong but hell that’s not my life. But I am always ready for giving help. I might admit what they do is wrong but that doesn’t mean I’ll do what they do.
I believe everything happen for reasons. Reasons I never knew. Reasons I never experienced.
Don’t smile to me sir. and don’t call my name nicely sir. or don’t look me in the eye with that puppy-dog eye sir. or don’t give me attention like you do sir. don’t sir.
Don’t make me fall for you sir.
Don’t make in love with you sir.
Even I know nobody can’t choose to whom to fall in love with. But I choose to not fall for you sir. Because you know I just can’t. and I know you just can’t.
I opt you to scowl at me. and bark at me. or never even look at me as if I wasn’t there. or never acknowledge and ditch me alone.
But you make this hard sir. You make this unbearable. You make me dream about you every night while I sleep with someone other than you. I dream you sit side by side with me then you pull me to your arms and hold me as long as I asleep. My heart dropped when you suddenly hug me. Hmmmm your hug is warm sir and all the butterflies in my stomach start crawling out. I want to touch you sir so bad but I am afraid. But every night I touch you sir…. a lot. I want to kiss you but always not yet you said. I feel my breath hitches and my body start to ache, ache for you sir. Then suddenly I jerked awake.
I hate you sir. I hate you for making me this way. I will daydream about you. About how you taste. Your lips. Your arms. Your fingers. And……you love. I want to make love to you sir. No, I want you to make love to me sir. Say you’ll love me. Say you’ll take care of me. Say you’ll choose me sir. Then I will snap back to where I was doing.
Every night is a nightmare. Every day is a torture. I’d rather you kill me than leave me alone. Untouched. and. Unloved. But you understand right sir? That we’ll just to keep dreaming about being together. Because I know you will never choose me. Because you never know me.
I know sir you have family because I have mine too. But just let me sir. Let me watch you from afar sir. Like how this is started.