Day 2
Finally I go through what I should do for a long time ago. I’m in counseling with a phycologist. The more I’ve been able to talk the more I can see my self. The more I know what to do and how to do. The more I know I am matter. I am enough even when no one tells me that I am one.
Whoever reading my blog, thank you for coming by. Hoping I could write some more and friendship through words. You are matter ❤
I am still grasping the reality
especially since you passed away dad
But I don’t think I’ve ever feel this lonely
I am an introvert
and I like being alone
but this is another level
This is lonely
and hollow
and just lonely
or maybe I am just tired of being a mom
It’s so lonely
Life been feeling hard this past years
No matter how I tried my damnest to look tall
or to appear strong
I was clenching my teeth inside
Holding back my tears
or I am
My head feel full and crowded
even when it’s night and I am alone
I wish to talk to someone
to just say I am tired
I am tired but I don’t want to rest
or I refused to rest
Afraid of what futures may hold
I want to cry
I want to bloody cry
But tears bring nothing
nothing but only ease
I want to rant so much
That it was a build up
Of ongoing behavior
That an adult could be so ignorant and selfish and such a kid
That mostly i feel all alone
In this
That often i feel like giving up
Words given are rotten
Words out are completely bullshit
No see
Today mark 20
Of a hollowed soul
As I stand before you
Looking high under the mask
I Gritted my teeth
Hold back my tears
Clenched my fist
And let all the words play in my head
Spilled the unspoken
A minute of solitude
Close the eyes
And walk away
So no chance of what ifs
Looking strong.
There are
Many times i want to escape from this relationship
Many times i imagine walk out of that blue door with no sound and disappear
Especially when my existence was not appreciated enough
Especially when i was nt understood enough
Many times I wish I am dead just so you know I am matter
But many times my past get in the way
Especially when things get tough
Especially when no one was there for me to hold on
Many times I regretted this
Many times I wish I didnt do that
Especially when you think the world revolve around you
Especially when everything so upheavel
Many times I cry by myself
Many times I was there sorting out everything solo
Especially when I took all the blame
Especially when my worth is just in bed
Many times
Many times
I hope it wasnt you
I hope this wasnt it
I hope was strong I hope am strong and I hope I will be stronger
For you no longer hold me fragile
For you to realize my worth
For me to stand tall and high
For me to stay firm no matter what life throws at me
At the same time no longer wishing to die
I am not going to do K-Drama review here. I am just admiring how this story line hit close to home. Very real-life problems. The main lead is a sociopath in a ways I can relate to many of his conditions. To me this drama speaks about two lonely soul who met each other. Both with their own struggle with their own baggage fighting their damnest to be in a relationship. Relationship require a lot of work from both side. Here, the woman are trying the best she can to understand his position and condition from where he comes from without justifying his action. At the end no amount of understanding are enough without hurting one another. Finally he realize his action hurt his loved one after so many lose so many hurt so many distance. Sometime in life not all romance are happy ending. Some are mend to end just so we can find a better one. To realise relationship mean through thick and thin for both in the same boat to sail. I know there will be times when things are tough and you want to quit but hang in there. Sail away even though your boat start to sink, fix it. If after everything you both do the boat still sinking then swim away. Let it sink but do not drown. Cheers.
But I found.
You.
In return.
And I am grateful.
Is where I meet the thought of die is easier than living
At times like this I just want to die
But at the same time I dont want my kin went through what I’ve been through living without my life
I just want to die
When all the pressure was more than I can handle
I just want to die
When I feel like I can’t bear it anymore
I just want to die
When I feel unworthy
I just want to die
When you left me and didnt even aay sorry
I just want to die
Because it seems easier than living
I really want to die
Cuz I livin hell
I want to die
Or just die
If I want to blame, I should blame myself at the first place
For being with someone who constantly destroying my self worth.
But I was just never realize that this is going to be so hard that I am in for the sake of You.
Everytime you go selfish I just want to die. Disappear from this world. Disappear from you.
But then I remember I have two hearts I’m so in love with. That make me willing to stay alive so that they won’t feel what I feel.
After this will be (another) sorry. And then another nothing-happened moment. And then it will (again).
This is not my fault. This is you being broken. And I was trying to hold on a broken vase while cracking mine.
You and your words cut deep. You and your action wound me so deep. That both left me open with a bleeding heart.
So many times I want a pause. Or an out. Just so I can feel myself. Loving me without you like before. Because. You are my unhappiness. The source of my depression.
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