I was cry for you
I was cry for him
For you to feel the unfairness
That was totally denied
Totally unacceptable
For him to have feel the unfairness
That should name of love
Totally bullshit love
One being said
Was different from
One being felt
I was cry for you
I was cry for him
For you my ache gone deeper
That I didn’t remember mine
Only yours
For him to have drag down
That I have so much bitterness for
Only you
One being said
Was different from
One being felt
I was cry for you
I was cry for him
For you to have gone through all
The bullshit that I have to witness
That crashing down your life
For him to have one undefined
Role that let you be swept by waves
That limiting your life
That’s motherhood has put me through. Feelig ugly of myself. The beauty of being a mother only last a couple of days for me because I was in to it without help.
Being a mother should make you feel pretty and beautiful. I did. Or I do. I don’t know. I mean when your breast no longer perky and appear saggy no matter the bra you wear or the long tired look that you manage to wear anymote or when the belly at didn’t seem to say goodbye or when you no longer brushing your hair because you thought it pointless to appear pretty even to yourself it’s hard at certain point to look at yourself beautifully. And in my case the mark for having atopy is endless. They mark my foot through my thigh and some area in my hand and arm. It wasn’t this bad when I suffer eczhema but this time it was prurigo that leaves black dots everywhere.
It’s hard to not love myself and continuing telling yourself that you are no longer attractive even to yourself and how do you expect people to look at you. Yeah. But I only love myself for me for a little time. It took me 25 years to finally love myself. Selfishly in love with myself that I didn’t allow others to drag me down in any way and it felt incredible. But then at that time I choosed to marry and marriage just don’t really have too much space for selfishness. So I miss to love myself.
Truthfully I don’t give a damn of what people think how I appear in their eyes but still too many bullies over my skin color put my self-esteem under the big hard rock. I always feel pretty even when people consider my skin was darker than normal people and when my forehead was full on display and even when my hair having its lionest at its best. I always feel pretty because this is me and people just stupid and blind. But that didn’t mean I’ll stand tall for myself when people called me ugly or dark or curly. Yeah I was that kid.
Being a mother put me back to where before I was 25 years old. I The silently-feel-pretty-but-doubting-myself because what people see in me. I want to feel pretty again. I want to love myself again. Merely just for me. So I have that self-esteem again.
It’s been years since the last time I put my birth day on private on Facebook. It means that only me that can see my birthday. Most of my friends on facebook automatically made their birthday available for their friends to notice. Therefore you’ll see their birthday reminder on your notifications.
I have my reasons though it seems bizarre but well that’s me. I just want to know how many people that really remember me. My facebook friends mostly weren’t people that close to me mostly were just my school friends that I rarely have deep conversation with and harshly let just say we know by name only. I am an introvert that hardly able to make a lot of relationship so I only have some friends that I allow myself to be close with even then doesnot mean I’ll just open up and spring my heart out. I only have a few for the deep.
The first year it was less than 15 people who really remember me. This year as in today only 2 people that remember my birthday which is my brother (the other 2 forget, how dare them!!😈😈 ) and one of my best friend. As time goes by I didn’t really give a damn by how many birthday wishes that I’ve got. But I can not lie that sometimes it hurts because of my imagination of a friendship wasn’t what I dream about. I used to see pictures or watching movies about friendship that they hang out together or having potluck together discussing vary topic in life.
Partly my fault perhaps because I wasn’t open to people or let them see the real me. Or perhaps I just don’t feel right to open up to my friends. Or perhaps twas just my imagination of a friendship. I don’t know. But surely I was tired of having a friendship that only require effort from my side. Or maybe I shouldn’t account on it. I don’t know. I was hoping I get to know more people that let them in and see the real me. People that also make an effort to have a friendship with me.
Tell me about your friendship with your best friend,, just so I have an insight that friendship is real and not just something I read on books or watch on movies.
Why I didn’t gain weight no matter how hard I try.
Yupe. You read it right. I hardly gain weight. It’s been more than 5 years that my weight stuck in the same number. I was considered thin for a 5’2″ I weight 45 kilos. My ideal weight range between 50 t0 55 and I didn’t use particular chart I was just reading through all the different weight chart and the conclusion. In the end it didn’t matter if I can’t gain even a kilo.
I’ve people talk good and bad stuff about my weight which mostly I didn’t care but sometimes it disturbed me. People thought I didn’t eat or I sick or whatever you want to imagine or perhaps they just jelaous. There’s truth that perhaps people didn’t acknowledge.
First, I inherited my mother and father genetics. She was slim even after having three child she weight 55 kilos for a 5’4″. It happened to all my brothers and mostly most of my family members too they are slender. So folks that’s partly when my slim-ness came from. Lucky me! Yeay…
Second, probably this one was what people didn’t know the most: lifestyle. Some people probably saw me like to eat in a large portions. True. But that time I was consider a ‘cheating day’ for people who on diet. Truthfully I didn’t snack, and if I snack it wasn’t high unhealthy kind of food so no fries no chips no ice cream no chocolate no milkshake no coffee with whipped cream no anything deep-fried. I prefer peanut butter with wheat whole bread or steamed sweet potato as snack to keep my stomach full for quite a long time. I ate 5-6 times a day in moderate portions of food a day with healthy snack in between. I prefer lots of veggie that meat and I didn’t gorge myself on food usually I stop eating before I even feel full.
Third, I moved about quite a lot. I’m an active and kinesthetic kind of person. Laying down and sleeping all day wasn’t my forte. I always find something I want to do that require moving. Yupe, you read it right sometimes I move furniture or redecorating my bedroom or doing a lot of handy stuff at home all by maaaiiiseeeelllf. I prefer looooong walking or biking rather than take a public transportation to go to some place. I used to walk for an hour or so when I was single because I prefer it that way where people maybe find walking as exhausting. Things that people in my country rarely do because they thought the government didn’t provide decent sidewalk. To me as long as I still have two feet to walk I didn’t give a damn care where should I walk.
It seems that I didn’t try hard to gain but what can I say as long as I am healthy, I didn’t really care what people think. Being slender is just a bonus. Even now when I was a mother of one I weight the same as when I was just before pregnant. What even worse is if I tried to skip a meal or two or when I sick and have no appetite then it’ll just lose two to three kilos. It was such a nightmare. You might want to change the way you eat if you want to lose some kilos but for me just love yourself enough to make yourself healthy rather than appear pretty.
Healthy is sexy.
This is me almost 10 years ago. Nothing changed much.
In a place where I live you don’t always go to doctor if you were sick. There’s a lot of traditional medication that people could go to. Just like with Chinese people where they can drink some sort of herbs mixture to cure an illness. So far I’ve tried one different kind of alternative medication that involve neuron and a little bit of preasure in the right spot that could cause hell of a pain if you have something wrong in some certain part of your body. I think this kind of medication came from China. So the last couple of week I accidently trying a new kind of alternative medication.
A quite the same medication that require neuron and a whole lot of preasure that cause me more pain. The person appear to be religius that he can read through my personality. Not that it suprised me, no I’ve already admit my flaws, so I really don’t need more acknowledgement. But what disturb me the most was his prediction regarding my health. His prediction was that I have something wrong with my lungs that leads to TBC (tubercolosis lung disease) in which I agree because I have asthma in related to my lung problem and not TBC. I’ve went to numerous doctor visit for a mere justification. And then he said that I have to do certain things like stop breastfeeding my 20-months-old kid, drink lemon water, drink carrot and cranberry juice, drink fresh water and eat camel meat (yuuuucck!!).
I, indeed, wasn’t the type of person who like to eat people words as a whole. I need to digest it first then collect some data and, boom, decide what to do. But his words keep messing with my head especially the part that I have to stop breastfeeding my kid (tried it for a day and it cause me more stress than ever). To be honest, I didn’t tell a lot of my family what kind of condition that I suffer from. And even though I told them, they rarely believe it. But I spent years went to doctor just to understand my condition.
I was BORN with allergic that was passed on from either my mom or dad. It makes me sensitive to certain food or environment. Nothing really severe. And along my 30 years of living the last 10 years I’ve been in and out of doctor for numerous kind of illness that cause from my allergic condition. Atopy was something that on and off throughout the years. I’ve got eczema and now in healing process of prurigo (another kind of atopy). The last 2 years I’ve just know that I suffer asthma, illness that I’ve closed my eyes from when I was in college and in denial when I was pregnant. But now, the more often it gets the more I can’t deny. My asthma was to the point that I wasn’t able to do simple things like talking or walking when it was full force. So when the doctor told me that my asthma was another result of my allergic gene then I have nothing to do but to work out. The last thing that I knew to keep me healthy. All doctor that I’ve came accros s told me that I have to: live healthy, eat healthy, no stress, enough sleep and work out. Work out was the only thing that I never do, I mean literally never. And it appear work out was my answer to my asthma condition.
To keep my mind at ease I decide to do medical check up that include thorax rontgen to see if I suffer from TBC. Because the theraphy mister said that if I went to rontgen my thorax, my lung will already full with tbc. So today was the day my medical check up result came out. After discussing the result with the doctor it appears that I have no dangerous illness and something to improve here and there that I didn’t aware of. And I am thankful for that. But leave me with bitter taste in my tongue because I believe unproffesional opiniom get through me. It pissed me off that it messed with my head for full 3 weeks. It made me fooled that I have to spent money for unnecessary medical check up. But I don’t feel sorry to be able to do medical check up so that I can throw it in their face. XD
To people who treat me unfairly.
I would keep my mouth shut.
To people who didn’t acknowledge my struggle.
I would keep my mouth shut.
To people who didn’t see my sacrifice.
I would keep my mouth shut.
To people who bitching the way I look.
I would keep my mouth shut.
To people who narrow-minded.
I would keep my mouth shut.
And that’s my friend the reason I never speak to you.
If you think for one second I was singing Frozen OST you are making fun at me. I sing but terribly so it was for my husband only lol. Nope, this time I want to share my decision to letting go. And be grateful.
My mom passed away when I was 14 thus should make me the ‘subtitution’ of my mom. Meaning I should be more responsible to what left behind. My brothers. But I was not. I was so lost and numb inside. I was so focused on myself only that I didn’t even remember where my brother were whereas we lived in the same house. And I just realize 14 years later and there was night when I cried because I was sorry I was so neglectful. But nobody can’t blame me, I was a kid.
Lots of my life decision was made considering my father and brothers college for example but I am not getting into details. 7 years after my mom passed away I finally able to let her go. And her death makes me even grateful that she didn’t have togo through this life shittiness. The years to come I tried to find myself and to forgive myself for all the bad mistakes I’ve made in my ‘dark’ age. And it all finally come to a closure.
After 10 years I finally able to forgive myself. I can love myself without having to depend of others love. But then I still struggle with the guilt over neglecting my brother. I thought I should be man up. I know no excuse but I was damned at that time. And I was hoping to a redemption. That my life goal was changing into making my brothers happy. So I would do everything to support them.
I was hoping that we would always be in the same way. I expected the same success. The same faith. The same future. The same afterlife. But God forbid me I guess because once I married my life goal wasn’t them anymore. It was hard at first to realize and to admit but then I finally able to let them go.
I thought that we own our own journey. That my brothers own their own journey too. Of how succeed their work life would be. Of how deep their faith to God. Of how happy their life. And each of them might have different definition for all of that. So I let them go and let myself go. That they’re adults and they responsible to their own future and life. But I will always here watching with a hawk-eye and here and there remembering them and praying for the best of them.
Sometimes in life you’ll meet with a moment where you have to let go one or two or even three things in your life. Easy? You wish. Admit it doesn’t mean you’re weak but to me it means you strong. You don’t have to shout it out loud to the world but to yourself. And then try to let ’em go because by letting go you actually being grateful. And That you believe God has His hands on it.
I know, I’ve been around just for reading. I have no power of writing and blogging even though I miss it damn much. I have some new posts in the draft and my notepad it’s just I am have no intention to read it and edit it. So I decide to hibernate for a while, well I have no idea until when. Since also am expecting, that’s the good news, but the early stage isn’t something I fond of. My body cracking and I am dying if I walking. Plus it’s fasting month here and I try to fasting as best as I can. Just wish me do everything well.
I am gonna miss you readers. I will still probably around to read some of your post so until then live long and prosper.
Chameleons and I share same trait, we change color. While chameleons change color as a response to mood, temperature, health, communication, and light, I change color as a response of innocence, I guess. lol.
Have you watch or read Eat Pray Love, on one of the scene friends of Liz said
…you know, you used to look like Stephen. Now you kind of look like David. You know? What l meant was, you know how people start resembling their dogs?
that line give me a jab right on my jaw. I feel the same with Liz. I smell like A when I was with A and I turn like B when I was with B while I am Z when with myself. While Liz try to figure herself by doing a long and delicate journey to Italy, India and Indonesia (all start by an I), I didn’t try to figure my color, I just think and suck it up. It turns out by having partner means to influence each other so nothing wrong, right?
I believe past really shape me into myself today. Having to lost my universe when I was on my frail stage really shake my self-esteem and growing up with bunch of man or boys didn’t help me much. It just get worse.
It’s not that I didn’t know my color, I did, I do. Like chameleon they all have their basic color, pale greeny colour. IÂ knew my color very well, it just keep changing while I am with different people. Lack of self-esteem and weak feature make me look to other people a lot and then I’ll try to copy or mimic or put what I think work on them to me. In result, I never fully comfortable both with the process and the result.
Why I look to other people? It’s because I have no one to teach me how to make strawberry cheesecake while I never knew what the hell is strawberry cheesecake. My husband did a great deal teaching me a lot of stuff I never knew it’s exist. Though I am getting better and better, I mostly struggle with girly stuff nowadays because no way my husband can fill up that hole.
My basic color when it comes to clothes is jeans and T-shirt and sneakers. I used to whine why this world make a big deal of how we should look in front of other people. But sadly it matter. This leave me struggling and look up to what other people wear isn’t always good on me. But it always struck me right in the gut and I have to tear all apart. I envy what girls could wear and look good while apparently if I want I can’t differentiate the difference. The way I think, the way I see problems, the way I saw clothes it’s like how man see it. ALthough I am grateful for that but it’s not always good.
Peer pressure or social pressure always put me over the edge and that’s why I rarely go on social stuff with addition with my social anxiety that just make it dynamic duo. I try so hard to be fittable but I find my comfort when I was alone and didn’t care about what people might think. Like chameleon, I show my true color when I am alone and calm.
Where’s there’s good there’s bad. There’s dark there’s light. There’s guilty there’s innocent. There’s black there’s white. There’s right there’s wrong. There’s something in between.
I believe in karma. I believe in what goes around comes around. I believe in what you reap is what you sow. and I believe in God, off course.
My past taught me a lot to never judge people of what happen in people’s life or of what they choose on the choice they make. I know there’s good things and bad things. There’s right doings and there’s wrong doings. There’s guilty and there’s innocent. The good and bad things are knowledge. The right and wrong doings are a choice. The guilt and innocent aren’t my place to judge.
People cheat. People corrupt. People lie. People ignorance. People fake. Women prostitute. Men douchebag. Husband abusive. Wife addict. Child broken.
There are times you witness people you love choose to do wrongs and become so bad. There are times you really want to fix them, advice them and even tell them they’re wrong. Everything happens for reasons. Reasons that most of the time we have no clue about it but we act like we knew everything. We didn’t know what happen in other people life that make them choose to do the wrong things. We didn’t. Yet we feel that we can fix them.
To some broken soul no words can make them turn into light but God. But that’s make it not our battle but their battle. No matter how much you want to change people or make stop of people do the wrong it’s not going to flip like a pancake.
You might questions everything. Question reasons of they wrong doing. But don’t judge because you are no God. and you are no saint.
You might see your loved ones fall into darkness. Fall into what they thinks will help them. You just need to stand there with your arm stretch ready for anytime help just in case they want to crawl back into light.
I used to be judged and I know how bitter that felt. Ever since no matter how dark someone choose and all the wrong doings they act, I don’t do judge. I might admit what they do is wrong but hell that’s not my life. But I am always ready for giving help. I might admit what they do is wrong but that doesn’t mean I’ll do what they do.
I believe everything happen for reasons. Reasons I never knew. Reasons I never experienced.
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